Hardaway Hates Pittsburgh

What would Bill Cowher look like without a mustache?

2008-03-13T12:44:00.000-07:00

RIP, Myron Cope

2008-02-27T08:40:00.000-08:00

Oy Vey! One of the only things I enjoyed during my stay in the wasteland known as Western PA was hearing this guy on the radio. I hope there's a Primanti Brothers in heaven for you. Everything else in Pittsburgh still sucks, mind you.

Best Article I have read in a long time

2008-02-26T12:57:00.000-08:00

It's articles like this that make things easy . I mean, even Hollywood knows where to go to find the inbred slack-jawed yokels that this little slice of Hell on Earth is famous for. What else can I say and what arguments can there be against this? I rest my case. Oh yeah, that Cavs trade was awesome. I hated Ben Wallace, but guess what? Now that he's on my team, all is forgiven. What a shot in the arm for this team. We will be 11 deep when Andy, Sasha and Boobie all return.

Is this a breach of contract for K2?

2008-02-12T11:37:00.000-08:00

I hope Browns' management doesn't see this.

This crow tastes great!

2008-01-15T08:22:00.000-08:00

Seeing as how I'm pretty cynical and I have been conditioned to always expect the worst, I am fully prepared to man up and say there is no freaking way I expected our Brownies to go 10-6. I remember before the season began that I was dumbfounded by our coaching hires. It looked like we recruited a bunch of castoffs and unprovens for 3 of our most critical areas - 2 of them that were absolutely dreadful in 2006. So, to Rob Chudzinksi, Ted Daisher and Steve Marshall, my hat goes off to all 3 of you. For both Ted and Steve, I think everyone was well within their rights to question and criticize their hiring. Ted was the special teams coach for the Raiders in 2006, and they were in the bottom 3 overall in League Rankings. Steve came over after serving as the Offensive Line coach for the Texans, who were to offensive lines as Pittsburgh is to literacy. Anyways, all 3 of these coaches deserve all the credit in the world for transforming and maintaining excellent units throughout the 2007 season.

I'm kind of relieved the Browns chose to make a drastic measure and can Todd Grantham. I'm all for staying the course when things are rough but measurable gains are madee for the future, but the schemes and passivity that the Browns' D showed this season was mind-boggling. If everyone's hunch that our personnel sucked was correct, then being aggressive was definitely the best way to mask our deficiencies. Seeing 3rd and 4th and long converted on a regular basis was inexcusable. Here's to hoping Mel Tucker can step in and make this unit mediocre!

Andy Varejao, I will never doubt you or make fun of you again. I love you and your game. We needed you. I missed you like a yinzer misses his terrible towel when he runs out of toilet paper.

5 out of the 6 big name Buckeye Juniors have come back, including Little Animal! Hurray! The SEC better look out! We are going to get bigger and faster on the defensive and offensive lines because of this.

Redemption

2008-01-08T10:10:00.000-08:00

That's how I wanted my team to come out last night! Inventive offensive formations, domination on the defensive line of scrimmage, running backs who grinded out tough yards, forcing our DBs into man coverage, mistake and penalty free football and a QB who stayed calm under pressure and made the right reads and the occasional key special teams play. Now if my team was the LSU Tigers, that's what I would be saying. Unfortunately, my team sucked. How did Tressel and staff manage to get thoroughly out-manuevered and field the less disciplined, both emotionally and mentally, team for the second straight year? That was ridiculous. Austin Spitter or Spitler or whatever your name is, how did you manage to miss that ball completely? That was taintrific, sucktastic and craptacular all rolled into one. Todd Boeckmann, Steve Bellisari called and would like to give you some pointers on decision-making and timing.

Let's see, in the span of one year, we've had the Tribe, Cavs, Browns and finally the Buckeyes (times 3) choke. Even when we do good, we still get kicked in the nuts as fans.

There's a football game or something tonight

2008-01-07T09:14:00.001-08:00

This is too easy, so I will refrain from comment

I was in Phoenix last year in January, trying to score tickets to the big game. I almost paid 950.00 for two terrible seats. Best investment I never made, to say the least. My wife and I decided to watch the game from a bar in Scottsdale and proceeded to drink our sorrows away while being glad that I didn't give up a third of my mortgage payment to watch that craptacular game. I definitely don't feel the sense of excitement from Buckeye Nation that was definitely there last year and for good reason. I am glad we're the underdog. I think with no expectations, this team will be loose and motivated. I'm not guaranteeing anything, but I do think this team and this game will be much more competitive than any of the national pundits are predicting. Beanie Wells is a beast, and he alone will keep us in this game. My only other thoughts on this game is that Jacob Hester may be the missing link.

Hey team up North, why did you fire a coach who chokes in big games for a coach that chokes even harder in big games? Did they make up their mind before Pitt went in as a 28 point dog and handed the Mountaineers their grundles? Oh well, I take those comments back. Great Hire!

Even though we didn't make the playoffs (and we didn't deserve to after that Cincitucky game, even though Jim Sorgi couldn't start for the small school I played for and Tennessee really only had 9 1/2 wins), watching playoff football this week was pretty enjoyable. I was hoping DC would make it past Seattle just because I live down here and it would be nice to see them make it after all they've been through, but Todd Collins is Todd Collins, and it ultimately bit them in the butt. But the two most enjoyable games were definitely San Diego taking Tennessee out to the woodshed and revealing what a joke they are and what a pathetic excuse Vince Young is for an NFL QB. There was a clip when he came out of the draft comparing his throwing motion and Uncle Rico's from Napoleon Dynamite and they still look identical. But the piece-de-resistance of course was Jacksonville revealing the Inbred Valley Surrounded by 3 Rivers and Ben Toothlesshoofer as total jokes. Sure they made a nice comeback (aided by the worst pass interference call I have seen in ages), but in the end their retarded fans had to take their stupid towels and wipe away the tears and blood stains from the inveitable wife beatings that occured afterwards.

Enjoying Life

2007-12-07T08:02:00.000-08:00

either we're doing good or there's a rump roast in front of the podium

I don't know about you, but these past 13 weeks have been awesome. Food tastes better. Work is more enjoyable. Getting up and facing the day is something I look forward to. Sleep is more refreshing. My 2 year old son isn't as fussy. DC traffic is more bearable. Ben Toothlessberger isn't as ugly. Pittsburgh doesn't suck as much (it still sucks, mind you). The last two are completely false, but I just can't bring myself to be angry about the inbred valley surrounded by 3 rivers.

Anyways, I haven't been posting lately for a wide variety of reasons, but mainly because I'm not angry. This blog was an outlet for my frustrations in being a Cleveland sports fan. What do I have to complain about? Absolutely nothing. 3 of the teams I root for have made it to the top of their respective sports. They haven't won, but I'll take being close over what we've been experiencing. If the Browns make the playoffs, one could argue that this is the greating sporting year ever for the city of Cleveland. I am so proud of these Browns and what they've accomplished, I'm not even that angry about losing twice to you know who (we can't get everything we want all at once, can we?).

I had a chance to go home and see a game in person for the first time in 7 years last month against the Seahawks (my buddy was doing the coin toss for Veteran's Day, a fair trade for losing your leg to an IED). What an awesome game to be at...that Stadium was as loud as the old one and people were in such a good mood. It made me miss home in the worst way. One of these days, I will be back in God's country and be better for it. Enjoy this, Browns fans. This team certainly doesn't look like they've been put together as a flash in the pan (a la the Saints) and betters days surely lie ahead.

The Browns are back! No they're not!

2007-09-27T18:01:00.000-07:00

Romeo's view after the Cincinnati game

Sorry for the lack of posts recently, especially in light of the results of the past few weeks. All I can say is putting food on the table takes precedence, unfortunately. The roller coaster ride that is the Cleveland Browns has officially begun (I'm sure someone else has already used this analogy)! However, the drops on this ride are usually much steeper and last longer than any hills that it does get to the top of. First, we’ll detail the Bengals’ game briefly. This game was exactly like the Chiefs’ game of last year. No expectations were on the team, so what to do they do? Go out and play like gangbusters and take it to a superior team (supposedly). This only pertains to the offense, but holy smokes, that was awesome. Every single thing you expect from this team in terms of effort and execution came to fruition in one beautiful 60 minute display. Our playmakers made plays, our line blocked effectively in both the run and pass, our running back ran like it was 2003, and our coach showed some semblance of emotion. Our defense? Well, that’s another topic for another novel (a horror story, with multiple grisly killings and missed assignments in the secondary).

Anyways, games like this gives us fans a glimmer of hope and we start thinking, maybe, just maybe, this team is starting to turn the corner and put it together. And then the first car in the roller coaster clears the top of the hill, and you know what happens after that. Another kick in the nuts. Seriously, that is exactly what the Raiders game and every other game following a victory has been since 2003. The effort they put forward last Sunday was a kick in the collective groins of everyone that roots for the Brown and Orange. Maybe not giving a crap or overconfidence or whatever you want to call that display of effort is part of the growing process (which I've heard suggested). But if it is, the Browns should be about 50 feet tall with 60 inch pipes from all the “growing” that’s been going on since I can remember. I say this based on only the hearsay and 2nd hand accounts I’ve read and here’s why: I didn’t watch the game this weekend. Before you get on my case, I have a very good reason. I was in Chicago visiting family and actually trying to enjoy my Sunday in the Windy City. I was planning on watching the game when I got home and had it DVR’d and ready to go for when I got back to DC. I refused to even watch the Sunday night Bears game (Rex Grossman has to be Chuck Frye’s brother from another mother) until they had put tape over the scoreboard ticker on the late afternoon games before I sat down in front of the TV. Just as I had sat down, though, CBS cut into a game breaking moment and it was none other than our Browns getting ready to kick the game winning field goal over the Raiders. “Turn it!!!” I shrieked to my brother-in-law and he obliged. But, after thinking for a split second, I said, “to hell with it, turn it back.” I then saw a field goal attempt that had all the effort and intensity of Rosie O’Donnell resisting a second trip to the buffet line or Ben Roethlisberger not trying to look ugly. Seriously, the blocking looked like a no-contact run-through for a high school team the night before the big game. And then I saw some d0u#he with a single bar facemask in a Brown's uniform give a pathetic attempt at scooping it up and running (I know who he is). Piss poor. And you know what? I am so glad I did. Just by seeing that one play, I saved myself wasting 4 hours of my life when I got back home to see that horrible ending. I don’t know what it is, but how is it that we are usually the only team on the field that takes at least a quarter to “get it” and get competitive? Is this coaching? Is this the players? I don’t know but somebody needs to figure this out and fast.

I know I promised myself I wouldn’t go into any more games after that first one with any expectations. After that Cincy game, I couldn’t help but to have just a small amount of hope and excitement like everyone else, but once again, that is officially out the door. On a side note, Chicago is fast becoming my second favorite city. I had one of the best Saturday afternoons I can remember sporting-wise. I started the day off at an Ohio State Bakery and followed that up with a trip to an Ohio State Bar for brunch and to hang out with some fellow Buckeyes before the game that afternoon. After downing a few adult beverages, including my first Old Style, I then went to my first Cubs game. Wow is all I can say about it. We had seats 3 rows behind the bullpen for the Cubs and the interaction that Wrigley Field provides to the players is awesome. You can seriously reach out and grab them. I love the Jake and have nothing but awesome memories of the 90’s and the sellouts that made those games awesome, but being in Wrigley during a Pennant race with a packed house was just breath-taking. You could just feel the collective will of everyone in that place take the Cubs’ play to another level. And to top it all off, they wailed on that Inbred Valley surrounded by 3 Rivers. Beautiful. After that, we made our way back to the Buckeye Bar and then watched with about 100 OSU fans the butt-whipping of a lifetime given to the unfortunate Northwestern Wildcats. It was also funny to see Appalachian State T-shirts everywhere and even on sale in the Big-Ten Store in the OSU section. At least one of the football teams I root for doesn’t suck out loud. Even my wife and brother and sister in-law , all yinzers, can sit through those games. Now before anyone starts calling me a turncoat or anything, I love Cleveland and I am certain if our city ever got its act together, we could transform our Lakefront and surrounding area into what Chicago has (hasn’t this been suggested for about 20 years now? Our city government continues to suck).

Congratulations to the Indians and the AL Central Pennant! I, like just about everyone else from our beloved city, devotes way too much time and attention to the loser that is masquerading as our Browns and way too little time to this team that has come together and has one of the best starting rotations in the majors and a 2 deep bullpen that is lights out (I’m leaving Joe Borowski out of the “lights out” description). Even sub-par years from Grady and Hafner didn’t prevent this team from coming together, getting timely hitting when it had to and winning. I am very proud of them and I wish them the best. I know I had said before that I was tired of watching this team because I know what’s going to happen, but a post-season disappointment is much better than a total disappointment (I’m talking to you, Romeo).

For this upcoming game against the Ravens, here's my original prediction :

September 30

BALTIMORE RAVENS

W, 35-3

Matt Stover holds off shutout, Brian Billick acts smug

I am definitely sticking to this one. Chalk up another big day for Derek Anderson and the Brownies!

I’m going to end this rambling post with one side note. I predicted the Browns would put up 56 vs Cincinnati. I should have bet that and given 5 points in Vegas. Darn it.

Goodbye, Charlie!

2007-09-11T11:53:00.000-07:00

Just read this on si.com. Charlie never lived up to expectations here and even though I am all for sticking through a rough patch in hopes of positive returns, it didn't look like it was going to happen with him. Best of luck to you, but it needed to be done.

This is a joke, right?

2007-09-11T06:35:00.000-07:00

I just found this article on the Cleveland Brown's site. Seriously, who approved an article like this?

IS BYRON LEFTWICH STILL AVAILABLE?

2007-09-10T06:40:00.000-07:00

WE SUCK AGAIN!

Seriously, what the h&ll was that? In my heart of hearts, I didn't expect a win, but I did expect a competitive game where we came out and pretended like we cared. There were tons of things wrong with this game, but the thing that stood out the most in my mind and I think is the most troubling was the quarterback play. It seemed like Charlie had ample time on at least 3 of the sacks and just held on to the stupid ball too long. Maybe the synapses just don't fire quickly enough up there to be a starting quarterback in this league. Also, I know a lot of people are hanging Sean Jones out there to dry because he showed up Brodney Pool on that ridiculously easy 40 yd completion for a TD, but I am glad he did it. At least someone back there cares. There is no freakin way a slot receiver should be that wide open when you are running cover 2. It looked to me like Mr Pool had his sights set on blowing up somebody on a running play and forgot his most important responsibility. When you screw up that bad, someone should be pissed. Mr. Wright, soft coverage probably works on Mountain West receivers almost all the time, but against NFL receivers, if that's all you're comfortable with, well, nice knowing ya (I know it's his first game, but I'm annoyed at everyone this morning).

I blame myself for believing the hype that this would be an improved team and things are looking up for the future. I'm not saying we would have won, but with a competent QB in there, our receivers aren't turning around to try to catch passes and maybe we can keep a drive alive. Also, 4 penalties on one play? I have never seen that in all my years of playing or watching football. That is a testament to bringing in a special teams coach whose squad was near the bottom last year. Romeo, the rest is on you. Cook, clean, do something, anything!! There were 2 players who played like they gave a poop, Kellen Winslow and Antwan Peek. Thanks to you 2, and everyone else can get bent. It made me sick to my stomach seeing ugly Ben on the sidelines in the 4th quarter laughing it up like he just found out they finally legalized inner-family marriage in Allegheny County.

wait a second, getting sacked is a bad thing?

Finally, I guess it's a good thing this happened so quickly this year, so I have absolutely no more expectations for the rest of the year and save myself countless kicks of my son's toys across the family room. I wonder if the Browns will give me a refund for the 250.00 I waste every year to watch them 3 states away? I take that back, they should have given refunds first to everyone at the door. Seriously, I think every fan that made the effort to get down there put more effort into being there than the players did.

Addendum: Just read the Munilot and one of the posts jogged my memory on this one too: Lawrence Vickers, you are a grade A jackass. When Kellen Winslow is coming over to you and gesturing, "Okay, Okay, get moving..." that is probably a good cue to stop. Butthead.

Time to start caring again

2007-09-07T07:39:00.001-07:00

coach...Starting coach.

Hi Everyone,

Well, the preseason has come and gone and I seriously tried to pay as little attention to it as possible. Sure, I watched the games on the NFL Network and got to hear a drunk Bernie Kosar make some really good points and and provide some spot-on analysis, but aside from that, I tried to stay away from it. I want to go into this season with no or low expectations so when the losing does start, I won't kick too many of my son's toys across the living room. I do think we'll be better, but that's like saying you're the tallest midget. Big deal. Seriously, how many of us will be ready to call the season a total loss after week 1 if we get our taints handed to us by the Stee___ (I can't bring myself to write it). Please just be competitive this week, Brownies. Is that too much to ask?

One more thing, Leigh Bodden, you are an idiot. I don't care who you're picking up. The response by the police may have been a little excessive, but you are still an idiot. I can't stand it when people at an airport think the rules don't apply to them.

Anyways, after the draft, I did a quick game by game analysis of this upcoming season with my predictios for each game. It's right here . As promised, I will review each of my predictions and also add any additional insight I can for every game. Some of the predictions won't come true, obviously, so I will address these and issue new ones.

Here was the prediction for the first game:

September 9 PITTSBURGH STEELERS

W, 42-0 - Quinn throws for 450 yds in debut

I am still sticking to my score prediction. However, I may have to change the side note on this one unless Charlie Frye goes down on the first drive.

So here's my new prediction:

As of kickoff at 1:05 pm on Sunday, September 9th, Pittsburgh will still suck.

Addendum:

Ben Roethlishoofer will still have a bulbous nose.

Stay tuned next week for some post-game analysis!

By the way, wasn't it a great to be an Ohio football fan last week? We more than held our own against the entire country in Kirk Hirbstreit's Ohio vs. USA High School Football Challenge, Ohio State won, Mount Union set a college record for most points scored in a quarter (as a former D3er, please believe me when I say every school prays that these guys don't end up on your non-conference schedule, I'd love to see them matched up against a 1-AA team some time).

But the piece-de-resistance of last weekend was seeing the team up north get some Deliverance treatment by a 1 - AA TEAM!!!!! It doesn't get any better than that. All I can say to the administration up there is this (and everyone who loves the Bucks repeat after me):

KEEP LLOYD CARR! KEEP LLOYD CARR!

The Plain Dealer is about to get a million times better

2007-08-15T12:58:00.000-07:00

I'm in trouble

Just read this from the Akron Beacon Journal's website:

Akron Beacon Journal sports columnist Terry Pluto announced Tuesday that he is resigning from the newspaper after 22 years.
He has accepted a similar position with the Plain Dealer in Cleveland.

I guess this means that Bud, Paul and Tony will have to start trying now. I am glad this market isn't losing this guy. He's definitely my favorite read of any Cleveland sports columnist and seems like a genuine and decent guy to boot. Congrats on the move up, Terry. I hope the pessimism of the aforementioned doesn't rub off on you.

Jaguars are in for a big suprise

2007-08-14T08:11:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you about the time I almost caught the ball in traffic!

Just for old time's sake, I did a quick search on google news and found this. Glowing review after glowing review of one Dennis Northcutt. Apparently, he's been named the number one receiver during this year's training camp and has been catching everything in site. While he did have his moments here and there as a Brown, I'm certain it's only a matter of time before he's alligator clapping all of the balls that are thrown his way. Be verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry careful, Jacksonville, about putting too much hope in this guy.

What, Vinny Del Negro wasn't available?

2007-08-13T10:27:00.001-07:00

Allan makes his annual visit to Pittsburgh

Danny Ferry has had all offseason to make improvements to our up-and-coming, yet flawed roster, and as of right now, the only news that's headline worthy is this?

From Brian Windhorst:

Team sources said the Cavs have interest in former New York Knicks star Allan Houston, who is planning a comeback two years after being forced to retire because of knee problems. Houston, 36, was one of the best shooting guards in the game in his prime. He told ESPN.com last week that his knee is feeling better and he hopes to play this season.

Mr. Houston personifies the term "one-dimensional". I guess this is a good thing?!

VALIDATION

2007-08-09T09:06:00.000-07:00

I've got something in my pocket for youuuu....

The Hornless Rhino from the blog Vinny and the Hornless Rhino has this excellent take on why I gave my blog this name. It's a beautiful thing when wild speculation and blind loathing lead to validation.

Exlusive Company

2007-08-08T10:06:00.001-07:00

Just saw a report on ESPNews about the last two quarterbacks that were drafted 22nd besides Quinn. This guy and this guy . Here's to hoping past performance is not indicative of future results.

Hooray! Brady will save the day!

2007-08-07T11:13:00.000-07:00

Brady, you no hold out

Here's the latest from the PD: Brady Quinn has signed a contract with the Browns and will be heading to camp soon. Just what we need, another quarterback to throw erratic passes to our receivers!

Bandwagon Fans

2007-08-06T09:33:00.000-07:00

I haven't had too much to post about lately. I know training camp is in full swing and there are all kinds of stories coming out of Berea, but what can I add to the reports that people that are actually there are giving you? That is the worst part about being out of state...I only have to go off of what other people tell me. I promise you once I actually get to use my NFL DirectTicket package, I'll have something useful to add to the Browns' blogging world.

I did get to see the HOF induction ceremonies, and this one seemed to be one of the more emotional affairs I have seen in a long time. I actually felt something other than hatred for Michael Irvin watching him give his acceptance speech. You could tell he knew he messed up and was now paying the price that his short-sightedness and addictions cost him. Seriously, what is he going to tell his sons when they are older and want to get into trouble? Don't do it? Why? Because you'll end up in the most revered sports hall of fame like me? Ouch. By far the most bittersweet moment of this year's induction ceremony Was seeing Bobby Mitchell, LeRoy Kelly and Jim Brown roll out the newest Brown to get in, Gene Hickerson. Reading his story and how he was so long overdue and the onset of dementia was heart breaking. Here's to hoping you were able to to at least enjoy this moment in your mind, Gene. This was also another reminder of what used to be and it makes our present situation with this team all the more frustrating. It's hard to believe that with atrocious play of these new Browns that we actually have 16 players in the Hall of Fame...and I was alive for only one of their careers.

As far as the Browns training camp goes, my biggest concern by far is the QBs. I definitely believe it when I read and see that neither one of these guys has done anything to stand out. Just for continuity's sake and to get some finality on whether or not he has what it takes to be a starter in this league, I want Chuck in there as the starter on September 9th. From what we've seen so far, it looks like that's going to happen. I am totally indifferent on the Quinn issue and here's why: the longer this goes on, the less likely he is to see the field this year. That is the best possible scenario for everyone involved. I think the Browns know and Tom Condon knows it.

If the Ryan Tucker debacle ends up being the worst thing that happens at training camp, consider me a happy man.

Here's my new favorite Steeler (replacing Kordell Stewart).

My grandfather in law just about had an aneuryism this weekend when the in-laws came to visit. He's a great guy and I love him, but he's a Steeler fan in every sense of the word. I thought it would be funny to cover his bed entirely with my Browns' blanket when he came up to go to bed, but we needed tranquilizers to calm him down after he saw that beautiful brown and orange festooning the place he was supposed to lay his head.

Apparently, people from Pittsburgh don't like it when you tell them, "Oh, I'm so sorry! That must have been just awful." When you meet them for the first time and they proudly tell you where they're from.

There's been a topic on my mind that has been bothering me for quite some time. There are a good number of Steelers fans down here in DC, but a ton of them aren't even from that little slice of hell on earth. Most of these "fans" grew up during the 70's and due to geographic restrictions or just plain idiocy, decided to jump on the bandwagon of whatever team was winning at the time of their formative years. I've ran into more than a few of these guys and the conversation usually goes like this...

Me: Yeah, I'm not too thrilled about how the Browns are looking this year, we are probably going to suck again. As long as we beat Pittsburgh, though, I'll be happy.

Idiot: Really? I'm a Steeler's fan!

Me: No kidding? I'm sorry to hear that. Are you from Pittsburgh?

Idiot: No.

Me: Do you have family from Pittsburgh?

Idiot: No...

Me: Do you have in any way, shape or form, any connection to that horrible place besides the fact that you liked a good, yet roided-up, football team when you were a little idiot and have been on their bandwagon ever since?

Idiot: Uhhh, No...

Me: I hate you.

Seriously, I don't know whether to punch these guys in the face when I meet them, or just pretend like I didn't hear the stupidity that just came out of their mouth. These guys drive me even more crazy than regular yinzers because they voluntarily became yinzers by association and then act like they did something braver than just rooting for whatever team was winning when they started to get hair in their bathing suit areas. That is one thing I can appreciate and love about Browns' fans, you don't choose to become one and there are definitely no fair weather ones.

The Fruitiest Cars Ever Made

2007-07-17T07:46:00.000-07:00

Since absolutely nothing is going on in the world of sports right now (except baseball), I figured I would do another list that's been running through my head for quite some time: Fruity cars. There's a ton of them out there and every time I see one I think to myself, "What exactly is the thought process that leads to someone purchasing this car?" I dont want to hear the argument that finances has anything to do with it. For every Dodge Neon, there's a perfectly fine Toyota Corolla or Honda Civic that you can purchase in its place. I honestly don't know what the reasoning is, but in any case, it provides me a brief amount of enjoyment to see a dude cruising through his neighborhood in any one of the ones I'm going to mention below. Here it goes:

9. Scion xB - Still not quite sure what Toyota's designers were thinking with this one...it's basically a box with wheels. A fruity box with wheels. I know you can customize it Gand add all kinds of neat trinkets, graphics and gadgets, but at the end of the day, it's still a box with wheels plus trinkets, graphics and gadgets. Special mention goes to Honda for their Element, that is basically a box with wheels designed to go camping as well.

8. Audi TT - This thing looks like an ovary with wheels.

7. Geo (Chevy) Tracker - I want to go off-roading. I want to hit the dirt trails blazing with a 4WD that doesn't take crap from the road. I want a tough vehicle that tells the road "Who's you're daddy?" I also want to take the top down and feel the cool breeze blowing in my face and all around me as I conquer the unpaved wilderness foot by foot. What am I going to choose? Definitely not a Geo Tracker. If it was possible for a car to talk, this one would scream "estrogen".

6. Hyundai Tiburon - the designers at Hyundai were thinking that making a car look like a bananna with wheels would attract the heavily coveted driving monkey segment of the population. I put this one on my list because a friend of mine drives this one and we agreed it should be on here.

5. Chrysler PT Cruiser - originally when this came out, everyone thought this was a throwback car to the 40's and was a fun and silly little vehicle. I even remember my dad saying that he liked the design because it reminded him of cars from his childhood. Not anymore. This car has so many effeminate connotations that should only make it in purple and sell it in Lakewood, Pittsburgh, and San Francisco. It looks like a fruity thation wagon with curveth. A special kick in the crotch goes out to Chevy for making the copycat in the HHR even after knowing that its design was on a destination to fruitcake city.

4. Mazda Miata - I've heard the argument time and time again that it's a fun little driving machine that handles like a dream and is fun for both men and women and blah blah blah. This thing is girly as girly gets. The Miata is like a go-cart that has been injected with mommy parts.

3. Dodge Neon - If that isn't the girliest name for a car outside of "Plymouth Breeze", I don't know what is. I know a lot of kids like to soup this car up so it looks a little less girly, but it's like putting lipstick on a pig. At the end of the day, your call is still called a "Dodge Neon".

2. Hummer H2 - Let me ask you this? How many total bada$$es do you actually see driving a car like this? None? One? That's about right. This car is usually driven by soccer moms or guys who have something to prove (you know what the say about guys with big cars). I think the average height of H2 drivers is around 4'8".

and the number one girliest car is......................

1. Volkswagen Beetle - This was way too easy. Not a single straight line on the entire body of this car. This car is one big bundle of curves. The most stylish accessory for this ride is a flower in the cup holder. Let me repeat that: The most stylish accessory for this ride is a flower in the cup holder. There is no reason for a male to ever be driving this car at any time. Ever.

There it is folks. If I forgot any, please let me know. And if you drive any of these, I'm sorry. But not really.

I'm back from vacation

2007-07-11T10:01:00.000-07:00

Trying hard now...Gonna Fly now...

Hi All,

Sorry again for the lack of postings, but I've been on vacation for a few weeks and sick or travelling for the others. I promise I will try to do this on a more regular basis. Here are some random thoughts over the last few weeks:

1. Will the All Star Game ever be as exciting as it once was? Maybe it's always been this boring, but I distinctly remember when it was at the Jake being as excited as I can remember for any sporting event (especially when Sandy Alomar hit that bomb). It just seems like no one cares anymore. I think the only memorable thing I can think of besides Ichiro's and Victor's HRs was when Paula Cole (?!) came out to sing God Bless America and couldn't get her keyboard started and it sounded like there was some booing going on. Since it was San Fran, they were probably booing the song choice or the smug lifting.

2. All the reports I've been hearing are saying the Derek Anderson has the clear leg up on the other 2 in camp for the starting QB spot. I don't know what to make of this. All offseason I've been reading that Chud's gameplan is to have a lot of rollouts and bootlegs and that would seem to fit perfectly into Chucky Frye's wheelhouse. I know this is all speculation and we'll see for sure once the pads are on, but I felt like it was my duty to weigh in on this pointless topic.

3. I also saw that LeChuck is trying to make a comeback for this year. How can every single report before this announcement be so way off-base? I'm actually impressed that Bentley managed to fool anyone and everyone by laying so low and not having one source leak out his intentions until he was ready to do so. Comebacks like this aren't supposed to happen in Cleveland, so although I wish him the best, I'll believe it when I see it.

4. I don't get why the Tribe is still having problems drawing huge crowds to their games. They have dominant pitching, an excellent lineup with 4 stars (Grady, Victor, Hafner, and Ja-honny) and are true contenders for the AL Central crown. I know I said before that they are probably just going to let us down again, but that didn't stop me from trying to get out to see them every opportunity I had anyways. Besides, what else is there to do right now, go to the Flats?

5. I had the bright idea of taking my 20 month old son to Disneyland. Big mistake. I don't know if I was spoiled to death by summer after summer of Cedar Point, but every other amusement park just disappoints me. All I really wanted was for my kid to see Mickey Mouse and they make you wait 40 minutes in a stupid line and when we finally got to see him for 10 seconds, it was the Old-School Steamboat Willie Version, not the new one my son sees on their cable extension of their evil conglomerate. I wanted to kick Mickey right in the crotchal region but my better judgement told me not to. What did my son do when he saw this version of Mickey? Try to take his nose off. I couldn't of been prouder of him. Anyways, he caught a virus while we were there and had to go to the Doctor's the rest of the time we were on vacation. He was screaming his head off in 94 degree heat and direct sunlight while on loudspeakers everywhere a song was blaring that had the lyrics "This is the happiest place I've ever been" - I kid you not.

6. Is there a more beautiful place in the continental US than San Diego? Every time I go there to visit family I don't want to come back. Beautiful beaches on one side, beautiful mountains on the other, and a climate that varies between 65 and 90 year round. Drink it in, because it definitely goes down smooth. Seriously, anyone who complains about living there deserves to be punched.

7. My college friends and I had our yearly weekend get-together this past Saturday at a cabin in Berkely Springs, WV. Three things about this:

A) You know you're getting old when you and everyone else is in bed by 11:3o.

B) You couldn't pay me enough money to live in Berkely Springs. We walked into a restaurant and everyone in the place was not talking or eating, just looking at us. I dont' look down on people living in small towns, but man, was that place depressing. It just boggles my mind that someone would want to and enjoys living there.

C) When your stomach is used to eating turkey burgers and 97/3 burgers, 70/30 burgers, while initially tasting good, lead to many, many potty breaks.

Cleveland Browns, Come on Down!

2007-06-14T10:44:00.001-07:00

Slap Hands!

With this year's improbable run to the Championships and the probable ending that all of those so-called "experts" predicted, it's time to start looking again at the lifeblood of this town, the Brown and Orange. Before I do that though, here's a few of my thoughts (since you asked) on the first 3 games so far:

"Deve ser o herói, deve fazer exame do tiro para o glory do basketball"

- This is what was going through Anderson Varejao's mind as he inexplicably took a nice entry pass from His Highness and spun wildly into the paint and put up a flailing semi-hook, semi-layup, semi-total brick with time winding down in Game 3. Roughly translated from Portugese to English, it states, "must be hero, must take basketball shot for glory". I don't know how it works in Brazil, Anderson, but in America, if you aren't completely wide open and have no discernible go-to post up moves to speak of, you pass the basketball to the best player in the world (sort of) to take that final shot. Criminy.

-I've been trying to figure out who Sasha Pavlovic reminded me of and on Tuesday night it hit me:

-Boobie Gibson, I ain't mad at ya, but welcome to pressure. Here's to hoping you handle it better the next time around.

-The first two losses were easier to take than this last one. In the first two games, we definitely didn't deserve to win and had the deer-in-headlights look except for the 4th quarter in both games, but on Tuesday: ouch, that one stung. We were the better defensive team, the more aggressive, the more dominant in the paint, and we basically shut down 2 of their big 3, and still lost. I don't know what we can do except shoot, shoot, shoot in the offseason to improve our offensive game. There were plenty of nice drives and open looks, but no finishes.

-Whatever happens this last game, I'm still proud of this team and glad I got to at least experience what it felt like to be playing for something important again.

On to the Browns:

-I've read on a few of the sites I have links to that we are located at or near the bottom of the power rankings on a few major publications. Good. I don't want any expectations or victory predictions by anyone (Braylon, this means you) for this upcoming season. If you go into this season expecting the very worse, you won't come away disappointed if it happens (easier said than done).

- I think I like the fact that Rob Chudzinski and Romeo are taking this approach to installing the new offense: drinking from the firehose. Throw it all out there, see what sticks and then see what areas need to be improved on. No more hand-holding, coddling or gradually introducing anything. These guys are all professionals making a lot more money than the average schlub and can at least be expected to grasp a plan for playing a game. I also think it's good for the QB competition. All of them are now on a level playing field and whoever can grasp this offense and its nuances the fastest and most accurately will be the starter. For this season, I honestly do hope it's Frye because I want to see him succeed, Quinn's not ready by all appearances and supposedly this offense involves more rollouts, which is Charlie's forte.

- When K2's knee status makes national headlines (I just saw it on the NFL Network), not good. We need this guy in the worst way (not in a Pittsburgh kind of wanting, but nonetheless).

- Just saw an article on how Joe Thomas and Chase Pittman got into a fight during minicamp. I'm sure RAC was thrilled that the 3rd overall pick in the draft was getting into it with someone who probably won't even be on the roster.

San Antonio tries to be mean, but fails miserably

2007-06-07T12:00:00.000-07:00

ooooooooooohhhhhh, come on CAVS!

Here's an interesting (for the Plain Dealer) article I found on Cleveland.com: San Antonio tries to be mean, and basically comes off looking like a bunch of second graders in the insult department. Here's a couple of gems:

"The Cuyahoga River caught on fire"

"We haven't won a title in over 40 years"

"The Cleveland Browns stink"

"We've lost games with names like The Drive, The Fumble and The Shot"

"Anderson Varejao looks like Sideshow Bob"

People in Texas like cowboys, right?

Ouch, guys, make it stop. Those insults sound like something that was said at a taping of "Wild'n Out" in Salt Lake City. I have nothing to say about San Antonio, and here's why: San Antonio doesn't matter. San Antonio has no bearing on anything. San Antonio is not relevant to anything. Bascially, San Antonio is just there. That being said, they do have a good basketball team. That's all I can come up with. Is that good or bad? I don't know, but it's the truth. I can't think of a single mean thing to say about San Antonio or a single nice thing to say. If that city didn't have a basketball team, there would be absolutely no reason for me or anyone outside of that general vicinity to even acknowledge its existence.

I think this series will be closer than most of these "experts" think. You can't discount the fact that Lebron played two excellent games against them and we beat them twice already this year. I know this is the Finals and we don't know what to expect and blah, blah, blah, but I am tired of being negative about this team so I will actually make a prediction that I enjoy writing: Cavs in 7. Lebron will not be denied!!!! Enjoy these games, folks, we are so close!!!!

WOW.

2007-06-03T10:11:00.001-07:00

I'll admit it. I got choked up last night. My wife came down into the basement as the game was ending and asked me an incredulous, "Are you crying?". All I said was a quiet "It's been so long".

I got choked up seeing the thousands upon thousands of people downtown watching the game outside after the Tribe had let out. I got choked up seeing a Cleveland sporting arena alive and shaking like I've never seen before. I got choked up seeing Lebron and Z embrace in a hug that for Z, seemed to give him a brief respite from the sorrow and agony of losing two unborn children this year. I got choked up thinking that the undisputed best young player in the league is one of us and knew, like only someone who has experienced the Cleveland sporting experience can, what was riding on this series and played liked the hopes and dreams of the region were resting on his broad shoulders. I got choked up as all of the years of frustration, anger and disappointment of being a Cleveland sports fan completely left my mind, if only for that night. For that night, and maybe only for that night, Cleveland was on top of the sports world. Cleveland had what everyone wanted to see. Cleveland, yes CLEVELAND, was the place to be. I know we still haven't won anything, but like I stated above, for that one moment in time, I couldn't have been prouder of a team from Cleveland. I wish so badly that I could have been there to be a part of this and to share it with everyone else who has experienced what I've experienced as a sports fan. My brother and sister were down at the Jake and described to me the atmosphere that was downtown and the electricity and excitement of what was going on. I know we are still a long shot, but I can tell you this: if we do win the title, a 7 hour car ride will have never seemed so short.

I won't get into too much analysis about the game because if you're reading this, there's probably a 99.9% chance that you cared enough about the game to actually watch it. It was nice to see the Pistons strategy of double and triple teaming Lebron completely backfire due to the one factor that this strategy relied on, no other player being able to step up and fill LBJ's shoes, fail miserably. Boobie Gibson was ice cold and buried dagger after dagger after dagger after dagger in the 4th in the Pistons' collective hearts. It's shocking that a second round draft pick that was barely a factor in the regular season is now the wild card that gives the Cavs a fighting chance against the Spurs. Things like that aren't supposed to happen in Cleveland. It was also nice to see some offensive strategy being put into play, especially when Detroit went to a trap and we spaced out everyone around the perimeter and then flashed a big man to the top of the key for an entry pass. Drew Gooden did this a couple of times. He was so wide open on one of them, he didn't know what to do.

Sorry to be so melodramatic, but to win 4 straight games after losing the first 2 and to do so in such a convincing fashion is the stuff of legends. For the generations of you who bleed the brown and orange, the wine and gold and the red, white and blue, enjoy this. Enjoy like it may never happen again, because everyone from Cleveland surely knows that moments like this are never promised and definitely rarely ever given.

That was sick

2007-05-31T20:59:00.000-07:00

Just got done watching this Double OT thriller that Lebron just took into his own hands. He was playing with a will and drive that I have never, ever ever ever seen from a Cleveland sports figure. That was freakin awesome. Thank you Lebron for making me proud to say I'm a Cavs fan. Detroit played equally well and Chauncey Billups is straight gangsta when it comes to taking big shots. More on this later.

Mike Brown showed me his Boobie and I liked them too!

2007-05-31T10:49:00.000-07:00

Wow, my lack of posts lately has been unacceptable. What can I say besides the fact that having a real job is not so much fun. Anyways, I have been thoroughly enjoying this last week. Sweeping the Tigers and taking 2 straight from the Pistons? No offense Detroit, but when was the last time Cleveland could say they owned another city, if even for a weekend?

Never? That sounds about right.

Boobie, you say? How does one get this nickname?

The Cavs have completely outplayed the Pistons in all 4 games and this should have been over or at least 3-1 right now. I know it and Detroit knows it. Anyways, nothing has been more encouraging (besides Lebron's deciding to start caring again) than the emergence of one Daniel "Boobie" Gibson. This guy is doing what we've been harping on Larry Hughes for not doing time and time again: TAKING IT TO THE HOLE. He is playing much bigger than his 6' frame is reflecting. How hard is it to think "drive first, shoot second"? Maybe it is his youth and naivete that is letting him play free of any hesitancy, but whatever it is, he needs to explain to Larry that this is how it's done. This may be a moot point now that Larry is in all likelihood, out for the rest of the series, but I seriously can't wait to turn the TV on tonight and then off for the third quarter, and then back on again.

On a side note, I was able to ask Rasheed Wallace after game 3 how Lebron's armpit tasted. He let me know that the hairs were a little wiry, but the sweat and Right Guard gave them a very nice and light taste, almost like a refreshing spritzer sprinkled over angel hair pasta. It was nice to see him finally lose it in game 4 and pout like the ugly, skilled and rangy baby he is. I was almost expecting Scut Farkus to run onto the court and ask him if he was going to cry. Anyways, it's nice to see that Chauncey Billups and Richard Hamilton realize that I hate them and that they are doing their best to make sure we win.

Conference Runners Up, Here We Come!!!!

2007-05-21T19:21:00.001-07:00

nothing funny about this picture...at all.

Well, well, well…look’s who’s in the conference Finals. After some of the most unimpressive playoff basketball I can remember seeing in recent history, the Cavs managed to not suck nearly as bad as the Nets and are standing in front of the beast of the East once again, the Detroit Pistons. I hate the Pistons. I hate the fact that their best player has a name from the 1920’s (Chauncey Billups), I hate the fact that Rasheed Wallace has a skunk patch and that he is going to complain like he just found out that smoking weed is illegal, I hate the fact that a member of the Fab Five is now playing for them and he’s still pretty good, I hate the fact that Detroit is just as ugly, if not uglier, a city than Pittsburgh, I hate the fact that Tayshaun Prince looks like Gollum’s and Morgan Freeman’s love child, I hate the fact that Rip Hamilton looks like a Junior Varsity d-bag and has a silky smooth jumper, I hate the fact that Carlos Arroyo is Carlos Arroyo and I hate the fact that we are probably going to lose.

The parallels between Lebron James and Michael Jordan are eerily similar in this aspect, both will probably have to lose to a bunch of a-hats from Detroit before achieving any further success in the playoffs. I have no idea why I have such a fatalistic attitude with the Cavs, but it’s easy to pinpoint why with the Indians. They have a good team, a potentially really good team, but I’ve seen this show before and I liked it better when the actors had names like Albert Belle, Jim Thome, Manny Ramirez and Carlos Obed Baerga. This team is going to tantalize with good play when it really doesn’t matter and will choke when it comes to crunch time, mark my words.

I waited 5 hours in line for his autograph

Some of my best memories in regards to Cleveland sports were when I was in college and high school and going to the Jake on a warm summer’s night when it was the place to be. It was great seeing people in downtown Cleveland past 5 pm and actually enjoying themselves outside of the Flats. People actually wanted to be there and a ticket was hard to come by. Hanging around Homerun Porch with a cold beverage in your hand, BS’ing with some dude from Wickliffe that under the normal circumstances, I would have mocked mercilessly, about anything and everything Tribe related…it didn’t get any better than that. I remember the excitement of hearing a friend’s dad had a last minute meeting or obligation and those season tickets were now available. Or a cop that I am very good friends with would have us come downtown without tickets, walk around for a while, and bust the very first opposing team’s fans that were drinking outside of the stadium and give us their tickets (the same went for Browns’ games – nothing better than a yinzer spitting up his Iron City all over his Zubaz pants as he realizes he just got screwed ten ways from Tuesday and the only way out of getting arrested was to give a Browns’ fan his tickets – beautiful). Anyways, I feel like Randy Quaid in Major League II. I won’t be convinced we are going to win anything until those final seconds tick off the clock in the deciding game we are winning. Basically, I will never be convinced. The Browns on the other hand, are a different story. They can have a good draft and I’m ready to put RAC’s moobs on my head if I think it will give us a chance to go .500. Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, the Cavs are in the finals. Sweet! Here’s my prediction: Rasheed Wallace is ugly. Prediction #2: I think the Pistons will take this in 6.

ewwwwwwwww.....

Do we have to say they are part of Ohio?

2007-05-18T20:30:00.000-07:00

equals

If a certain geographic area has more in common with its surrounding states (ie spousal abuse and drunk driving) is it okay to say they are not part of your state? Here is another Bengal's arrest article . It'd be funny if spousal abuse was a laughing matter.

San Francisco = Pittsburgh West

2007-05-18T07:01:00.000-07:00

To the yinzers who contacted their boyfriends and let them know I was in San Francisco:

Do you think that breaking into my rental car and stealing my laptop will stop me from exposing the truth about your backwater city and breeding habits? I will not be silenced!!!!!

Sorry for the lack of recent posts, but my computer was stolen while I was on the West Coast for business. I hope to start posting again regularly, so fear not my loyal readers (who number in the 9s). I have tons of stupid ideas for even stupider articles that I'm sure no one will care about.

On a side note, Cavs basketball, it's craptastic!!!!!

Steeler busted for running a prositution ring

2007-05-11T08:28:00.000-07:00

Deadspin.com just posted this nice little story out of Pittsburgh. A Steeler running an underage prostitution ring? Is anyone suprised by this? My only questions are the following: Where was he going to find customers willing to pay to sleep with their cousins? Can you be called a "pimp" if all you have are gigolos in your stable? This also explains why he haven't seen or heard from Kordell Stewart for a while.

Hardaway Hates Pittsburgh Exclusive: An interview with Joe Theismann

2007-05-09T12:41:00.000-07:00

So Brady Quinn showed up to the Browns’ Rookie Camp on Friday with a new hairdo. Gone was the wavy, unkempt locks of the latest emo band and in its place was a regular old haircut. While this really isn’t news unless you have a subscription to Tiger Beat, this made headlines because of the reason for the new haircut. On Mike and Mike in the morning a few days before camp opened, Joe Theismann ripped into Brady Quinn because of his “unprofessional appearance” during the draft. This has created headlines (which is exactly what I’m sure Joe T. was hoping for) throughout the sports world. We here at Hardaway Hates Pittsburgh are proud to say we have scored an exclusive interview with the man himself. He agreed to do this interview with us in order to clear up any confusion or speculation over what was said last week. We sat down with him here in DC and the following is a transcript of our chat:

HHP: Joe, can I call you Joe? Thank you so much for taking the time out of your busy schedule to sit down with us so we can get some clarification on your comments last week.

Joe Theismann: Sure, no problem!

HHP: First question: What do you enjoy more, beating up the homeless or farting in church?

JT: That’s an easy one. Beating up the homel----Wait a second. Where did you say you were from again?

HHP: The New York Times. Where I’m from isn’t important, Joe. Clearing up your good name is and that’s what I’m here for. Just trying to keep it light and loosen up the tension. Relax! Okay, now on to the serious stuff. When you made those comments last week, what were you hoping to come across as? An attention-hungry publicity whore or a cranky old fart?

JT: Neither. I was just stating my opinion that being invited to the draft is serious business and an honor, and should be treated as such.

HHP: So you feel your comments were warranted, even after taking into account that Brady had to sit in the Green Room for over 4 ½ hours and maybe that tie was getting a little too tight considering the embarrassment of not going anywhere near where he was projected to go?

JT: Absolutely. If you had to wait for an interview for 4 ½ hours, you wouldn’t loosen your tie.

HHP: Did it ever occur to you that maybe his hairstyle is what is popular with the kids today and might even be considered an homage to the awful hairstyles that were around in the 70s? I’ve seen some of your hairdos from that time, and Lord knows, you really don’t have a lot of room to talk. Also, it’s a known fact that anyone who perpetuated or partook in any type of fashion statement from the 70’s is not allowed to make any fashion judgements again for the rest of their life.

JT: No it’s not. The 70’s was a great time to be alive and lot of experimentation in all facets of life was going on, including the fashion wor—

HHP: Can you remember another instance of a highly regarded prospect, both in terms of ability and character, being ripped by an alumnus and former player of his own school? Aren’t you supposed to show solidarity and support to those responsible for representing your program, especially since the recent run of Notre Dame quarterbacks in the NFL has been, to put it nicely, piss poor? I mean, Keyshawn Johnson, likable guy that he is, handled the Panthers’ drafting of his replacement, from his own school no less, with more class than the comments you made.

JT: uhhh..

HHP: Moving on, Joe Montana has gone on the record to say that you are a disgrace to every Notre Dame Quarterback who has ever put on the Golden Dome and your mother should have had her tubes tied well before you were born. What do you have to say in response?

JT: Joe Montana didn’t say that. Where did you get that???

HHP: It’s on the records. Check it out for yourself. What Joe Montana did or didn’t say is not relevant to this interview. What is relevant is that the sports world wants to know, do you unequivocally stand by your statements and have no regrets making them?

JT: Yes.

HHP: Boxers or Briefs?

JT: What?? Uh, depends…

HHP: That sounds about right. Joe, you’ve been known to make some pretty interesting comments during your broadcasting career. I wanted to bring out a few of them and get some feedback from you as far as what was going through your head while making them, okay?

JT: Okay.

HHP: First up: In 1996, you stated during a Sunday Night Football telecast that, “The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein”. Did you notify Norman beforehand that you were going to be using him as an example of a genius?

JT: What are you talking about? Norman Einstein was a scientist during the 30’s and 40’s and has been dead for over 60 years!

HHP: Sorry, my mistake. On a side note, is Norman in any way related to Albert?

JT: Not that I’m aware of. What does that have to do with this interview?

HHP: Nothing, nothing at all. I have a few more comments from this last season of Monday Night Football that I’d like to go over with you. In regards to Brett Favre, you stated, “You are not allowed to go away yet. We want you. We need you.”* Were you on your wife’s cycle when you made this statement? Also, do Brett Favre’s lips taste like a sweet summer’s day?

JT: Where did you say you were from again?

HHP: Better Homes and Gardens. You also made this quote during last season, ”This is a home game. This is where you finally get to play at home”. * Did you ride the short bus when you were growing up?

JT: What is that supposed to mean?

HHP: Just an expression, that’s all…You were recently fired from Monday Night Football. Did this have any bearing in your decision to make those statements about Brady? Were you hoping to get some publicity for other possible openings out there? Also, does it bother you that Jared, the tool from Subway, is getting more interaction with athletes than you currently are?

JT: No.

HHP: True or False: The DC sports media treats you like their drunk uncle. They desperately want to like you, but you do so many things to embarrass yourself that they have to make fun of you behind your back.

JT: False. Everyone likes me.

HHP: Do you have AIDS?

JT: No.

HHP: Are you positive?

JT: Yes.

HHP: hee hee…You have publicly stated that Ron Jaworski looks like a cross between a walrus and Chunk from “The Goonies”. Does it bother you that they selected his mug to replace you on Monday Night Football? Also, did the fact that he actually studies game film to formulate an opinion have any bearing on ESPN’s decision to replace you with him?

JT: I have never said that about Ron. He and I are good friends and I review plenty of game film beforehand.

HHP: Right. Aside from yourself, who is the worst former-athlete turned broadcaster? Sean Salisbury? OJ Simpson?

JT: Number one, I am definitely not the worst. Number two, there are no bad ones, each has their own unique style and skill set.

HHP: Where are you more likely to get a better meal, Chi-Chi’s or Joe Theismann’s?

JT: I’m not familiar with Chi-Chi’s, but at Joe Theismann’s, you can get a great meal at an affordable price any day of the week!

HHP: I’ve been to your restaurant, Joe. Let’s not kid ourselves. As a favor to you, we thought we’d give you the opportunity for an on-air audition for a play-by-play gig. We will give you a play from a past game to call, and we’ll record it and send it out to the stations looking to fill any open positions. What do you think?

JT: Sounds great! What play will I be calling?

HHP: Here it is: A Monday Night Football Game on national TV. It’s going to be a pass play and for the audition’s sake, we’ll call the quarterback “Slow Not-so-wiseman”. He’s dropping back to pass and the coverage around him is breaking down. All of a sudden a hard-hitting linebacker, we’ll call him “Lawrence Taylor”…

JT: This interview is over.

*Thanks to JoeSportsFan for the quotes

The 5 Greasiest Players in this Year's Playoffs

2007-05-03T19:32:00.000-07:00

Well, the good news for Cavs’ fans is that we swept a Washington Wizards team that was down its two best players. Is anybody excited yet? I think this might have been the most unimpressive sweep I have ever seen. As I stated before, I don’t think we are a championship caliber team yet. I don’t know what it is, but I definitely can’t put my finger on it. Call me jaded, but I need to see them absolutely demolish the Nets (I'm assuming they win) before I can really get into this year’s playoffs. With that being said, I thought my next article should be one that required a great deal of in-depth analysis and research:

The 5 greasiest players in this year’s NBA playoffs:

Even though these guys are earning millions of dollars, they still come across as greasy. Each one is unique in his own special way, but greasy nonetheless. I’ve ranked them in terms of greasiness and also where I can see these guys being greasy if they weren’t in the NBA. As always, if I forgot someone who is extra greasy, please add them to the comments list.

5. Steve Nash – He just comes across as looking as if he just stepped out of a sauna or spent all night clubbing. He looked even greasier last year when his hair was long, but make no mistake, the haircut only covers up a little bit of the greasiness since it appears to always be matted down. I picture him as a high-powered aerobics or spinning instructor shouting out words of encouragement to a group of over-weight, middle-aged yentas and wearing super tight spandex shorts and a tight Under Armour top with a hip pack around his waist with two water bottles attached to it.

4. Anderson Varejao – I know he is a hometown favorite and I love the guy as a player, but if you’ll take off your wine and gold colored glasses for a second, you’ll see he is greasy. He would be perfect as a stunt double in that Soul-Glo commercial. Can’t you see him with his head down, spraying activator all over his fro/ pube-wig and then whipping his head back and forth as he looks up and winks at the camera? Just let your soooouuuullllllll glo!

3. Etan Thomas – Ugh. He is so greasy, my keyboard got oily just typing his name. Those hideous dreadlocks make him look like a feminine version of Sheryl Swoopes. Seriously, he would average at least 4 more points and 2 more boards a game if he wasn’t using all that energy to lug that hair around. The greasiness that is his hair is a direct result of a lack of shampooing and profusely sweating night in and night out for half the year. I also hear Etan fancies himself a poet of sorts, even publishing a book called “More Than an Athlete: Poems by Etan Thomas”. This might explain why he hasn’t improved his game on the floor in the past 6 years. Anyways, this one is easy. The location: an open mic night at some artsy fartsy bookstore like Politics and Prose or Olsson’s in Dupont Circle (if you’re not familiar with this area of DC, let’s just say Hardaway is not a fan). The scene: Etan comes to the mic wearing a wool turtleneck sweater that was around during the Nixon Administration and probably hasn’t been washed since then and skin-tight bell bottom pants with his hair up in a bun. The disctinctive scent and smoke of cloves and the sticky-icky permeates the dimly lit room and hipsters of all sort are lounging around, waiting to hear what angst and bile spews forth from this unusually tall poet’s mouth. Etan steps to the mike:

Ahem…Milk, Milk, Lemonade
Turn the corner, Fud……Hello?
Is this on?

2. Jorge Garbajosa – Obviously, the top two spots on this list are occupied by foreign players. This Borat look-alike just oozes grease from his pores. He can easily be spotted in the off-season in euro-trash clubs all over Europe, wearing the latest Euro-tight turtleneck with short sleeves and mad gumby gold all over, grinding up behind women and seeing if they want sexy time with Jorge. I hear he pees his shorts before every game so both his shorts and shirt stink to high heaven and nobody will want to D up on him. Not really.

1. Fabricio Oberto – Greasy, thy name is Fabricio. Wow. Just look at those pictures. To say he is greasy is like saying Rosie O’Donnell likes the occasional rump roast. Nappy hair with the mullet highlights? Check. 10 day stubble with all kinds of dirt trapped in the whiskers? Check. Creepy, smoldering glare that looks like he is trying to undress you with his eyes (both men and women)? Check. Stench emanating from all crevices of his body due to an allergy of showers? I’m assuming check. This guy gets his grooming accessories from the bottom of the French Fry pit at McDonalds. I really can’t classify his greasiness since it encompasses such a wide spectrum, but I can see him fitting in easily in any of the scenarios above.

There you have it folks, the greasiest players in this year’s NBA draft. Remember them and their contributions to advancing the greasy cause.

Joe Thomas' Aunt

2007-05-02T10:05:00.000-07:00

I just found this pic on ESPN.com's draft blog. You don't see too many geriatrics out there with mohawks. She should fit in nicely with the Dawg Pound. Those are awesome earrings!

Andruzzi Released

2007-05-02T09:31:00.000-07:00

I like walks on the beach, puppies ...

Just read on ESPN.com that the Browns have released Joe Andruzzi. While I don't know if releasing another live body on the line is necessarily a good idea, it is obvious that he never lived up to the team's expectations in the 2 years he was here. This means both of our starting guards from last year are no longer with the team. I always liked the way Andruzzi came across as a down to earth, blue-collar guy, but that doesn't do us any good when he is a sieve on the line. It has also been reported that Kevin Shaffer has asked to be traded, but I doubt the Browns will do that unless they can get a capable starting guard in return. A below average tackle for a starting caliber guard? Not likely, unless Miami or Oakland are in the mix.

Draft Recap and predictions for the upcoming season

2007-04-30T12:36:00.000-07:00

Now that this year’s draft is over, here’s a brief overview of our draft picks and some very early pre-season predictions on what to expect next year. Like every other Browns’ fan, I was giddy like a school girl Saturday night and am glad we addressed areas of need the second day. I can’t remember the last time I was this excited to be a Browns’ fan. The moves made by that team yesterday could not have been the Browns. Draft days like that aren’t supposed to happen to us. We got pretty much everything we wanted and then some. On the flip side, could this just be a way of fate setting us up for an even bigger kick in the groin in the upcoming years? Only time will tell, but for now, I’m happy.

Round 1

Joe Thomas – I wanted to take Peterson, but I can’t really argue or second-guess this pick. This guy seems like everything you would want in an cornerstone left tackle. He’s agile, a great technician and aggressive. The Browns did a great job of smoke screening this pick.

Welcome to Cleveland!

Brady Quinn – This was the defining move of the entire 2007 draft. Everyone who is on Quinn’s bandwagon points to a stat out there that shows that college QBs with more than 40 career starts have an extremely high success rate in the NFL (Peyton Manning, Carson Palmer and others) vs QBs with only one or two years of starting experience. The Browns addressed two huge areas of need with possibly the two best players at their respective positions.

Round 2

Eric Wright – We traded a lot of picks to get this guy, so he better pan out. Everyone is saying he has 1st round talent, but those character issues are still there. If he does pan out, Phil just got 3 starters with 3 picks. I don’t know if I buy the whole “I went to Vegas to prove I could stay out of trouble for 2 years” line he is throwing out. I think it should be more along the lines of “when you have a date rape charge on your rap sheet, only a Mountain West Team will look at you”.

Long pause…

Round 5

Brandon McDonald – This CB out of Memphis is described as a versatile player who can return punts and play all of the defensive backfield positions. The NFL Network’s downside on him is that he doesn’t tackle well in the open field…just what we needed!

Round 6

Melila Purcell – This DE out of Hawaii is a project in the truest sense of the word. He has a high motor, great wingspan and tremendous upside. Did I miss any other idiotic draft day adjectives?

Round 7

Syndric Steptoe – This WR out of Arizona will poop his pants if he makes the team. He can return kicks, though.

Pre-Season predictions

Now, as is common with all Browns fans, we have sky-high projections and expectations as to what will happen in the coming season based on what we’ve accomplished in the off-season. I’m here to tell you to CALM DOWN. We still have a ways to go and none of these moves guarantee instant success. Let’s be real with our expectations and we must still have patience. With that being said, here are some preliminary predictions and a break-down of our schedule with what I feel will be the final scores for each of these games.

September 9
PITTSBURGH STEELERS
W, 42-0
Quinn throws for 450 yds in debut

September 16
CINCINNATI BENGALS
W, 56-7
Only Bengals TD is a fumble return

September 23
at Oakland Raiders
W,63-2
Quinn: 420yds, Russell: -8yds

September 30
BALTIMORE RAVENS
W, 35-3
Matt Stover holds off shutout, Brian Billick acts smug

October 7
at New England Patriots
W, 28-7
Belichick finally apologizes to Cleveland for sucking

October 14
MIAMI DOLPHINS
W, 73-6
Cleo Lemon throws 5 INTs

BYE WEEK
W, 24-0

October 28
at St. Louis Rams
W, 45-0
Jim Everett throws 2 INTs

November 4
SEATTLE SEAHAWKS
W, 35-9
Quinn throws 8 TDs

November 11
at Pittsburgh Steelers
W, 77-14
Hines Ward plays up his Korean roots even more by eating KimChee after a TD

November 18
at Baltimore Ravens
W, 56-8
Jamal Lewis rushes for 312 yds

November 25
HOUSTON TEXANS
W, 35-14
Dave Zastudil punts for first time this season

December 2
at Arizona Cardinals
L, 21-22
Defense is left at home by accident

December 9
at New York Jets
W, 54-12
Eric Mangini eats Phil Dawson

December 16
BUFFALO BILLS
W, 49-16
What’s funny about Buffalo? Nothing.

December 23
at Cincinnati Bengals
W, 56-7
Chris Henry drinks a fifth for their season

December 30
SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS
W, 42-10
Brady feels a little too comfortable out on the town

I think the scores above are perfectly reasonable to expect in light of the happenings of this past weekend. I know we won’t win them all, but I think the above results are pretty realistic. I may even keep track of my scores and predictions during the season so I can rub it in your face when I turn out to be right. All of you pie-in-the-sky Brown’s fans need to come back down to earth and realize we won’t win them all.

Here are some other predictions for this season:

SUPERBOWL XLII result: Browns over Carolina, 37-21

When Joe Thomas’ and Brady Quinn’s sweat mix on a towel, the cure for AIDS is accidentally discovered. Phil Savage wins the Nobel Prize for bringing them together. Savage states that this day is the day that “turned the world around”.

Charlie’s Fryes change their names to Brady’s Quinns and come to games dressed like this:

The Super Bowl win will start a run of 5 more consecutive Superbowl trips and wins, giving Cleveland one for the thumb and another to shove right up Pittsburgh’s pooper.

Charlie Frye loses his life-long battle with the English language.

Kellen Winslow, Joe Jurevicius and Braylon Edwards become the first trio of teammates in NFL history to each catch 100 passes.

Pittsburgh Steelers finally realize that their logo of a ketchup bottle is about as retarded as you can get and change it to a tampon.

Romeo Crennel goes shirtless for the Seahawks game.

Please let me know if you have any predictions of your own in the comments section.

Did that just happen?

2007-04-28T13:32:00.000-07:00

I love this man, but not in a Pittsburgh kind of way

I think it's safe to say we won our Super Bowl this year. Mr. Savage, thank you for showing the intestinal fortitude to pull the trigger. If Quinn really did have top 5 potential, this could be the draft that turns us around (but I'll believe it when I see it).

Update: Phil just traded our 3rd, 4th and 6th round pick for Dallas' 2nd round pick and took Eric Wright, a CB out of UNLV (wasn't that Eazy-E's real name?). Everyone seems to think he has first round potential and is a shut-down corner, but I don't know about those character issues. Drug and date rape charges? Thank God the Flats are a ghost town. Savage is still pissing excellence as far as I'm concerned

Did the Browns do something smart?

2007-04-28T09:44:00.000-07:00

I can't believe they went with the safe and smart pick instead of the all flash, no cash pick. I seriously don't believe this. I tip my cap to Phil Savage...he practices what he preaches. Welcome to the Dawg Pound Joe! Oh yeah, that poem the NFL Network recited by the hood rat after the pick was announced was just awful.

The Top 6 Music Acts to Come Out of Cleveland

2007-04-27T18:24:00.000-07:00

Everyone’s got a draft preview on their sites, so if you want to view mine, it's at the bottom of the blog. It's a given that Cleveland is the Rock and Roll Capital of the Universe, but for my next non-sports related post, I thought I’d take a look at the best/most famous music groups/singers that have come out of Cleveland and rank them in terms of critical and commercial success. The criteria for a band or singer to be considered from Cleveland and ranked are as follows:

- either the entire band or person most associated with the band (usually the lead singer) has to have roots in Cleveland
- if not directly from the city of Cleveland, they have to be within the general vicinity (Akron, Canton, Kent, etc)

Other things things to consider on this list:

- rankings are not based on strictly commercial success, but may also include critical success or the impact on the genre they are based in
- if I personally hate them, then I can leave them off since it’s my list

As I stated before, this is all purely subjective and I’m sure I probably left someone or some group of note off of this list. If you can think of them, please feel free to add them to the comments.

6. Michael Stanley Band – Was a pioneering rocker that emerged from the early 70’s to dominate the charts and – just kidding, he sucks. Now on to the real countdown

6. Devo – formed in Akron, OH in 1972, Devo was a groundbreaking act that ushered in the New Wave scene in the late 70’s and early 80’s. They had experimented with all kinds of different music styles, including punk. They were formed by a group of Kent State Students who, according to Wikipedia, “were deeply affected by the Kent State shootings of 1970. Devo stands for “Devolution” which was probably a more profound statement as a band name than many of their song lyrics would indicate. They never achieved great commercial success, but are best known for their single “Whip It” and the subsequent music video, which received all kinds of air time on MTV. On stage, they are famous for their hazmat outfits and “energy domes”. They are on this list for influencing and ushering in a new music genre (whether you like New Wave or not is a whole different story). They had 3 Gold Albums and 1 Platinum Album for their career.

5. Filter – These guys were one of my favorite groups in college and high school and that was even before I found out I grew up right by the lead singer, Richard Patrick. Filter was an industrial rock act that was heavily influenced by Nine Inch Nails, which is apropos since Patrick was a guitarist for the group (I left off Nine Inch Nails since they are supposed to be a one-man band and Trent Reznor’s roots are in Who Cares, PA). Richard has a very distinct voice that can reach octaves few males should be allowed to reach. They’ve had 2 platinum albums and 2 gold albums as well as 7 singles chart on various billboard tables. They are most well known for 2 singles, “Hey Man, Nice Shot” and “Take a Picture”, which sounds nothing like their other music but is my personal favorite.

4. Gerald LeVert – This soul crooner and son of Eddie Levert (lead singer of the O’Jays) sang in two very successful R&B groups. LeVert, the group he formed with his brother Sean and friend Marc Gordon, and LSG, with fellow R&B superstars Johnny Gill and Keith Sweat (I actually bought this group’s CD). Between his solo career and 2 groups he produced over 10 Gold albums and 4 Platinum albums. My two favorite songs from his career are “My Body” with the group LSG and “Casanova” with the group LeVert. He was born in Cleveland and was living in Northeast Ohio when he passed away at the much too early age of 40 after an apparent heart attack from a lethal (and accidental) mix of prescription and over the counter pills.

3. The Pretenders – I’ll stand by them as my third choice (I can’t believe I just typed that and yes, I am laughing to myself). The founder and one constant member of this group is Chryssie Hynde who was born in Akron, attended Kent State and according to Wikipedia, “experimented with the hippie counterculture, psychotropic drugs, eastern mysticism, vegetarianism and of course, joining or starting a band”. She actually was in a band with Mark Mothersbaugh, who made this list as a member of Devo. She formed the Pretenders in the UK after bouncing around in the UK and France with failed bands as well with Mick Jones from The Clash. There have been two drug related departures by original members of the group, one after Chryssie kicked out and the second died from a drug overdose. They have been steadily recording since 1980 and had a long time in between hits. In the early 80’s they scored hit albums off of the singles “Brass in My Pocket” and “Back on the Chain Gang” and in 1994 had a hit with “I’ll Stand by You”. They have had 2 Platinum albums and 6 Gold Albums.

2. Scott Weiland – Although he was born in California, he spent much of his childhood in Chagrin Falls, so he gets to be on my list (lucky him). He was the frontman for one of the most popular bands of the Nineties and the genre of alternative rock: Stone Temple Pilots. They have had huge hits such as: “Interstate Love Song”, “Vasoline” and “Big Empty”. STP has always been derided by critics and loved by their fans, so I guess they are kind of like the Adam Sandler of Alt Rock. They also won the Grammy for Best New Artist in 1994. According to wikipedia, Stone Temple Pilots is not the original name of the band and you should check the site to find out what it originally was. Unfortunately for Scott, his drug use and run-ins with the law have made him almost as popular as being a singer has. When STP disbanded, Scott formed Velvet Revolver with a bunch of former Guns N Roses members and has had commercial success with them as well. Between the two groups, Scott has 7 Gold Albums and 5 Platinum Albums (with Core and Purple going 8 and 6 times over, respectively).

And my number one choice for a music group/artist to come from Cleveland is………..

1. Bone Thugs N Harmony – There really can’t be too much debate with this one. Regardless of what your opinion of Hippity Hop is, there is no denying the lasting impact these 4 rappers from the Streets of Cleveland (“it’s mandatory we leave you bleedin”) have had. They are easily the most commercially and critically successful music group to come from this city. To date, they have over 30 million albums sold (holy reefer, Batman!) and it looks like another big hit coming in Strength & Loyalty, due out next month. Among a few of their career highlights include:

- at the time, the highest and fastest selling single of all time with “Tha Crossroads”
- collaborations with both the Notorious BIG and 2Pac
- 2 Grammys and an AMA
-15 singles on the charts, including 5 #1s
-Platinum status for all their albums with multiple status for almost all of them

Not only did they achieve great commercial success, they also introduced a new style of rap that was more sing-song and rapid fire and incorporated melodies and harmonies (hence the name). They have also embraced the fact that they are from Cleveland and state it multiple times on many albums. I absolutely love the single “Cleveland Rocks” from the album Thug World Order.

There you have it folks. Some others that I did not include on this list but deserve honorable mention are: Macy Gray, Avant, the O’Jays and Marilyn Manson. Please let me know if I forgot anyone.

Cavs Recap and What's Missing?

2007-04-26T17:11:00.000-07:00

Pinch a little harder...little more...oooooh, that's the ticket!

This game was again much closer than it needed to be. They let the Wizards hang around way too long in my opinion. It was nice to see Lebron go off when he felt like it and Drew Gooden nail 6 straight jumpers, but what was that semi-retarded dance he did afterwards? Yikes. I found out afterwards that he was “making it rain”. Drew, I hope that works out for you. Yes, I am grateful that we won and this might sound like I’m nitpicking, but I just don’t see a championship level team here yet. On paper, it seems like we pretty much have all the tools as of right now to make a run at the title

-Game-changing premier player? Check.
-Sidekick that, when healthy, can provide a very credible scoring alternative? Check.
-All-Star caliber center? Check.
-Power Forward that rebounds in bunches and is capable of going off on the offensive end on any given night? Check.
-High-energy sub that gives you an instant spark on the court and is dedicated to defense? Check.

-Token white guy that can shoot and create his own offense? Check.

-Deep bench with more than one three-point specialist? Check.

So what’s missing? After thinking about some of the previous dynasties and championship teams, I was able to find one ingredient that was common with a whole bunch of them that we definitely don’t have. A thug.

I'd take him if he had a good low post game

A down and dirty, intimidating SOB that will kick your grandma in the teeth if given the chance. Someone who makes up for whatever skill he lacks with a bad attitude and then some. Of course, it’s a plus if your thug has both skill and a bad attitude, but I’ll take one with just the latter if that’s all that’s available. The Pistons had Laimbeer. The Bulls had Rodman. The Spurs had Rodman. The Rockets had Otis Thorpe. The second go-round for the Pistons had the Wallace boys. The Lakers and Heat both had Shaq (who I think is an extremely skilled thug, or just a brute force of nature). The only recent champs I can think of that didn’t have a thug on their team is the second go-round for the Spurs, but when you have 3 All-Star caliber players, Bruce Bowen can fill in nicely. Are the Cavs soft? Does a yinzer’s family tree only have two branches? I don’t know what they can do to address this now, but I think that the intimidation factor is a vital piece missing from our roster. Here’s to hoping they can get past this anyways.

LJ to Cleveland?

2007-04-24T19:11:00.000-07:00

I am watching the NFL Network as am I writing this and one of the players they said is up on the trading block is Larry Johnson and they stated that the Browns are one of the 3 or 4 suitors for his services. Imagine that. I seriously don't know what I'd do if that would happen. He seems like he's kind of a pompous blowhard, but I would welcome him to my team in a second (we even have an African American coach, not that it should even matter, but apparently it does for him). Getting one of the top 3 running backs in the league in his prime would require quite a bit, I'm sure. Aside from our 1st and 2nd round picks, what else do we have to bargain with? I will believe it when I see it. I can't remember if the NFL Network is still blacked out in Cleveland, but those tidbits make it worth watching as much as possible.

Who drafts worse, the Browns or Cavs?

2007-04-24T11:05:00.000-07:00

One of the main reasons for failure that has been pounded in Cleveland’s collective head is the poor draft record of all our teams. I don’t disagree with this notion, but I wanted to do a breakdown between the Cavs and Browns over the last few years and determine who exactly has been the suckiest of this bunch of sucks. I am starting my analysis from 1986 until now and will only be looking at the first two picks for each team for each year (since we can’t go any further than that for the Cavs after ’89). Each pick will be awarded either a:

0 – total bust
1 – marginal player at best
2 – productive starter and/or backup
3 – superstar (needless to say, not many of these will be awarded)

I will also include a bonus point up through ’89 if any steals were found in the later rounds of that year. No drafts for the Cavs from 96-98 will be included since the Browns had some time off. Since this is all completely subjective, any and all second-guessing/scrutiny is welcome (unless you’re from Pittsburgh, in which case I’ll have to ask you to stop playing with this here computer, pick up your mop and get back to work).

1986

Browns:
Webster Slaughter – 2 (I know some people would consider him to be a superstar, but let’s be realistic)
Nick Miller – 0 (if I don’t know who he is and he only played one year for us, that’s a bust)

Cavs:
Brad Daugherty – 3
Ron Harper – 3

Total: Browns 2, Cavs 6 (they hit the motherload this year)

1987

Browns:
Mike Junkin – 0 (this pick screwed us for years to come, read it here at http://www.kidcleveland.blogspot.com/)
Gregg Rakoczy - 2

Cavs:
Kevin Johnson – 3
Kannard Johnson – 0 (when you play a total of 12 minutes for your career, it might be safe to say you are a bust)

Total: Browns 2, Cavs 4 – (I am giving the Cavs an extra bonus point for this year since they drafted Chris Dudley in Round 4)

1988

Browns:
Clifford Charlton – 0
Michael Dean Perry – 2

Cavs:
Randolph Keys – 1
Winston Bennett – 1

Total: Browns 2, Cavs 2

1989

Browns:
Eric Metcalf – 2
Lawyer Tillman - 1

Cavs:
John Morton – 0
Chucky Brown – 2

Total: Browns 3, Cavs 2

1990

Browns:
Leroy Hoard – 2 (the only reason why I’m giving him a 2 is my fatt butt used to pretend I was him in our pickup football games)
Anthony Pleasant - 2

Cavs:
Stefan Rusconi – 0 (who the? – I also think Ron Harper was traded around this time for the rights to Danny Ferry - ouch)

Total: Browns 4, Cavs 0

1991

Browns:
Eric Turner – 3
Ed King - 1

Cavs:
Terrell Brandon – 2
Jimmy Oliver – 1

Total: Browns 4, Cavs 3

1992

Browns:
Tommy Vardell – 1 (based on the expectations)
Patrick Rowe – 0
Cavs:
None – 0

Total: Browns 1, Cavs 0 (is anyone surprised by this?)

1993

Browns:
Steve Everitt - 2
Dan Footman – 1 (he did have one monster season in 96 with the Colts and had 10.5 sacks, but that doesn’t do us any good)

Cavs:
Chris Mills – 2

Total: Browns 2, Cavs 1

1994

Browns:
Antonio Langham – 1
Derrick Alexander - 2

Cavs:
Gary Collier – 0

Total: Browns 3, Cavs 0 (side note: I know I am not including any later round picks for bonus points, but the Browns did take Romeo Bandison in the 3rd round of this draft)

Total: Browns 3, Cavs 0

1995

Browns:
Craig Powell – 0
Eric Zeier - 1

Cavs:
Bob Sura – 2 (I always liked him for some reason)
Donny Marshall – 0 (definitely not to be confused for Donyell Marshall, who also went to UConn)

Total: Browns 1, Cavs 2

1996-1998

No points are given due to the Browns absence, but the Cavs might have made up some ground here with Z being drafted

1999

Browns:
Tim Couch – 1 (I hate to call him a total bust due to the circumstances and the fact that no more tears need to be shed)
Kevin Johnson - 2

Cavs:
Andre Miller – 2
Trajan Langdon - 1

Total: Browns 3, Cavs 3

2000

Browns:
Courtney Brown – 1
Dennis Northcutt – 2

Cavs:
Chris Mihm – 2 (hard to believe, I know, but he’s still in the league)

Total: Browns 3, Cavs 2

2001

Browns:
Gerard Warren – 1
Quincy Morgan - 1

Cavs:
Desagana Diop – 2
Brendan Haywood – 2
Jeff Trepagnier – 1

Total: Browns 2, Cavs 5

2002

Browns:
William Green – 1
Andre Davis - 1

Cavs:
Dajuan Wagner – 1
Carlos Boozer – 3 (curse his bulbous head and hard-nosed playing style)

Total: Browns 2, Cavs 4

2003

Browns:
Jeff Faine – 2 (D’Oh!)
Chaun Thompson - 1

Cavs:
Lebron James – 3 (I think he has shown the potential to be really good)
Jason Kapono – 2 (who knew?)

Total: Browns 3, Cavs 5

2004

Browns:
Kellen Winslow – 3 (I am giving him this grade because my brown and orange colored glasses think he’s the closest thing to a superstar that the Browns have)
Sean Jones – 2 (this might change in a year or two)

Cavs:
Luke Jackson – 1

Total: Browns 5, Cavs 1

2005

Browns:
Braylon Edwards – 2
Brodney Pool – 2

Cavs:
None – (Hello Jiri Welsch!) – 0 – is it possible to give a double 0?

Total: Browns 4, Cavs 0

2006

Browns:
Kamerion Wimbley – 2
D’Qwell Jackson – 2

Cavs:
Shannon Brown – 1
Daniel Gibson – 2
Ejike Ugboaja – 0 (who?)

These are based off of first impressions, so these are definitely subject to change in the future.

Total: Browns 4, Cavs 3

Now, let’s do a quick rundown via a tabled representation of these scores:

Year Browns Cavs
1986 2 6
1987 2 4
1988 2 2
1989 3 2
1990 4 0
1991 4 3
1992 1 0
1993 2 1
1994 3 0
1995 1 2
1999 3 3
2000 2 2
2001 2 5
2002 2 4
2003 3 5
2004 5 1
2005 4 0
2006 4 3

Total
Browns - 49
Cavs - 43

What does this tell us? Absolutely nothing. But it does show that although they are both terrible at drafting, the Cavs have been even worse than the Browns (if that's possible). The average scores for the Browns and Cavs with their first two picks over this time span has been 2.7 and 2.4, respectively. That means, according to my scoring system, they have been drafting a little more than one solid player with their first two picks per draft. Not good! The Cavs have by default a better team due to the fact that Planet Basketball decided to send down its Chosen One in the form of Lebron James and for some reason, picked Northeast Ohio to place him in our midst. Go figure.

My Brother is getting out of the Army - Hooray!

2007-04-24T07:25:00.000-07:00

Even though I am a huge fan of Cleveland and all things related to the town and its sports, there is another group that I am an even bigger fan of: The U.S. Army. My brother is an Airborne Ranger and was an Infantry Officer in the 82nd for 4 years. I read this from the AP today:

The nine U.S. soldiers killed when a truck bomb exploded next to their patrol base in Iraq were all paratroopers from the 82nd Airborne Division, the division said Tuesday. Twenty of their colleagues were wounded in the attack.
Maj. Tom Earnhardt, a spokesman for the division at Fort Bragg, said it was the highest number of casualties for the division since the Iraq war began.
It was also the single deadliest attack on ground forces since Dec. 1, 2005, when a roadside bomb killed 10 Marines and wounded 11 on a foot patrol near Fallujah. An insurgent group that includes al-Qaida in Iraq claimed responsibility, according to an Internet-posted statement Tuesday.
The soldiers were members of the 5th Squadron, 73rd Cavalry Regiment, 3rd Brigade Combat Team, Earnhardt said. A civilian interpreter was also wounded in Monday's explosion.
"Fifteen of the wounded were superficial and they were treated on the spot and returned to duty," Earnhardt said. "Five were evacuated to a military hospital, but none of the five have life-threatening injuries."
Earnhardt said the unit deployed in August to Iraq. It is one of three of the division's four brigade combat teams now in Iraq or Afghanistan.
The identities of the soldiers killed Tuesday were not immediately released. Earnhardt said the families were still being notified.

It's stuff like this that makes me pause for a second and think about all of our men and women in harm's way. My brother's last day is today and he's done more and seen more than I can possibly imagine. He's a hero in every sense of the word and never brags or talks about what he's done, so I'll do it for him. His and every other soldier's sacrifice allows me to sit in my office and make asinine (but true) comments about the armpit of America and lead an otherwise normal life. I am glad he's getting out and taking some well deserved rest in Cleveland. Meeting his men was a bigger thrill for me than meeting any of the professional athletes I have ever come across (even Felix Fermin). Anyways, not to get too mushy, but thank a soldier if you know one or see one. I hope to post a pic of him when I have a chance later today.

My 5 Favorite Places to get food when I'm back in Cleveland

2007-04-23T09:51:00.000-07:00

As I've noted in my previous posts, I currently don't live in Cleveland and am now in the DC/Northern Virginia area. I don't think anyone is from this area, but you go where the jobs are. Most of the people I run into down here have an interesting story about what got them here. Since you were wondering, here's mine: I graduated from a good school with a good degree and couldn't find jack squat in the Northeast Ohio area after three months of searching. My girlfriend at the time (now my wife) suggested I take a look in Pittsburgh. I looked at her as if she had an arm growing out of her head and told her I wasn't interested in being an English language speech therapist or work in a battered woman's shelter. I moved down to DC and found a job in 2 weeks. That was 7 years ago and I still look forward to the day I can get back to God's Country.

Memo to Frank Jackson: Please stop screwing up my city. You almost have to make a conscious effort to run a city so poorly.

As my first non sports-related posting, I want to address a very serious issue that is near and dear to my heart: Food. This is a total fat boy post, but as a recovering fatty, I occassionally get back on the wagon and take it to bloated city. One of the things I miss about Cleveland is all of the excellent food. Most of it comes from mom and pop shops that litter the East and West Side. Living down here in Northern VA, all of the neighborhoods, shops and restaurants are all fairly new. It's an endless sea of Panera Bread, Starbucks, Potbelly Sandwich Works, Chipotle (which I am grateful for) and smoothie/juice bars. Basically, it's a yuppy paradise. When I get back home, even for the day, I always make it a point to visit one of the fine establishments that are listed below. If you have any others that you want to add to this list, please feel free to do so in the comments section.

5. Panini Brothers- Locations all over Cleveland - I only get one thing whenever I come here: The Overstuffed Pastrami Sandwich with an egg on top. The combination of a huge pile of Pastrami, a mountain of cole slaw and fries, 2 slices of Provolone cheese and a sunny-side up egg is enough to put any man into a food induced coma. I feel myself getting fatter as I type this. I know it is basically a rip-off of the Primanti Brothers sandwich in Pittsburgh, but there is one difference that makes the Panini Brothers' sandwich infinitely better: no filthy Pittsburgh fingers are used to make this sandwich. Scoreboard!

4. Slyman's Restaurant - St. Clair on the East Side- Quite possibly the perfect corned beef sandwich. They shave the beef in front of you and make it fresh daily. The beef has the perfect amount of moisture and saltiness to it and doesn't dry up in your mouth. Any other condiment aside from mustard should be a crime on this bad boy. Oh yeah, they also stack it about 5 inches high, so unless you have an unlocking jaw, you will need to eat this in sections.

3. Joe's Deli & Restaurant - Hilliard Road & Wooster Road - Everything on this menu is served in huge portions, but I am a big fan of the breakfast menu, and specifically, the pancakes. These aren't the light and fluffy kind you garnish with a rasberry puree or fruit compote. These are the kind you drown in syrup, wipe up excess egg yolk with, and then wonder how someone was able to shove a brick down your throat and lodge it perfectly in your stomach for the rest of the day. Absolutely awesome.

The ones above are definite favorites of mine, but these next two are just about the most perfect foods ever created in the history of man. You have something seriously wrong with you if you do not like either of them:

2. Frank's Bratwurst - Westside Market - Good Lord, where to start with this one. The most flavorful, mild and perfectly mixed sausage ever produced at any given moment in the history of earth. I think they use a veal mix to make this and it goes down smooth. Smother a ton of sauerkraut on top of this and put it on a bun (they use hard rolls here, but I prefer a soft one) and you have heaven in a processed meat form. These naughty little treats are to die for. I had my parents buy a dozen of these, store them in a cooler, and make the 7 hour drive down here just so I could have one. Awesome, awesome, awesome. And yes, I am a fat loser with body odor.

1. Fragapane Bakery & Deli - West Side of Cleveland (Bay Village, North Olmsted & others) - This is my personal food Mecca for one reason: their doughnuts. Anyone who tells you that Krispy Kreme makes the best doughnuts has never been near this place. There are two kinds in particular that are just out-of-this-world good: the chocolate sticks and the maple sticks. They bake all of their doughnuts fresh every morning and I think there is approximately 2 gallons of cream filling put into each chocolate and maple stick and about 3 inches of chocolate or maple frosting put on top of them to boot. I can only finish two of them before I am ready for a nap. If you are in the Cleveland area, you seriously need to go to this place and thank the Good Lord you were fortunate enough to experience this carbohydrate and cream filled blod-clot-waiting-to-happen.

Cavs - Wizards Preview

2007-04-22T10:30:00.000-07:00

Thank goodness the Cavs finally backed into a little bit of luck. The road to hoe as the second seed is substantially less problematic than being the fifth seed. I am writing this post as the Cavs are playing the Wiz in the first game of this matchup. It seems that they have taken this approach so far as well. The only strategy I can see being used so far is to be lethargic and hope the Wizards realize that they are supposed to lose. If I see Larry Hughes launch one more long 2 pointer with plenty of time left on the shot clock, I will drive up to Cleveland myself and teach him the basics of post play as taught to me by my middle school coach. This should not be a challenge at all. It is unexcusable if this goes to 6 games. There should be no drama, no side stories, nothing. This should be an absolute slaughter. With all that being said, I am sure this will go at least 6 games because this is Cleveland and nothing comes easy. Being down here in DC it's interesting to see the other fan base's reaction and attitude towards this series. I think the fans down here are as about as apathetic as you can possibly get for a major sports playoff series. There is no buzz on the local talk radio, not a ton of coverage on the news and by and large no big amount of hype by the fans. Even they are resigned to the fact that this should be a trouncing. I don't blame them, though. Imagine if Lebron and Larry were out for this series...we'd be toast. All this is setting up for us to let our guard down and for them to "shock the world"...stay tuned.

update: we won. whew.

Being a Cleveland Sports Fan

2007-04-21T19:45:00.000-07:00

Being a Cleveland Sports Fan isn't easy, never has, and probably never will. The teams are are down on their luck just like the economic environment they inhabit. No team in this city has won anything since 1964. Fast forward a decade later, and I still wasn't even born. All I have to base my memories on are losing season after losing season for the Tribe, mediocre to good Cavs' teams that got owned by Michael Jordan and crushing, bitter playoff defeats for my beloved Browns, even when they had the better team on the field. I hate the horse known as Elway almost as much as the inbred valley surrounded by three rivers. Cleveland has a lot of things wrong with it, that's for sure. However, it does have one HUGE thing going for it, it isn't Pittsburgh. The people and their passion for sports and hatred of Pittsburgh are what make this area second to none as a sports town. I definitely appreciate this more now that I live down in the DC area. When I got to DC people asked me, "Hey, Hardaway Hates Pittsburgh, why do you do root for Cleveland, man? What are you? Some kind of losing junkie?" I won't say a goddam word. Why? They won't understand. They won't understand why we do it. They won't understand that it's about the fan next to you. And that's it. That's all it is. *

*If you don't know where this line comes from, this blog definitely isn't for you.

Browns Draft Preview

2007-04-21T18:32:00.000-07:00

This is definitely the hot topic of the moment and I guess there is no better place for me to start. I am going to break down the top 5 prospects and give you my thoughts on them and why or why not they would be a good fit for the Browns. Any one of the following is going to be worth a high first round pick and will immediately make our team better.

5. Tommy Vardell - RB/Stanford - 6'2" 234 lbs - They don't call him "Touchdown" Tommy Vardell for nothing. He set the Stanford career touchdown record with 37 as well as the single season record with 20(!) his senior year! We need this kind of production in the backfield and even if he can only produce half of what he did in college, we will be good to go. His running style is similar to Jamal Lewis', the only difference being is he scores touchdowns like they were going out of style, which I'm sure he'll have no problem doing in the NFL.

4. Antonio Langham - CB/Alabama - 6'0" 187 lbs - 3 year starter at left corner for Alabama. Set school records for interceptions with 19 and INTs returned for TDs with 3. Was a first team All-American his senior year. Has excellent size and speed. I see him pairing up with Leigh Bodden to give us this millenium's version of Mighty Minnie and Top Dawg. Shutdown corners are hard to come by and it's going to be hard to pass up one with a resume like this. I see him making 4 or 5 Pro Bowls, minimum, and anchoring one CB slot for the next decade.

3. Craig Powell - LB/Ohio State - 6'4" 230 lbs - A high-motor LB that grew up right in our backyard. He has speed, speed and more speed. He plays hard all the time and was definitely not a reason the Buckeyes got their taints handed to them during the BCS Championship. He would provide more depth to one of the few strong points on the team.

2. Courtney Brown - DE/Penn State - 6'4" 285 lbs. - What's not to love about this guy? He plays hard every down, doesn't complain and doesn't have a bad attitude. He has been remarkably durable and has no injury history whatsoever. I see him being the next Lawrence Taylor at best and the next Jason Taylor at worst. This guy is awesome and should be a rock solid foundation for our D-line for years and years to come.

1. Mike Junkin - LB/Duke - 6'3" 242 - With the nickname "Mad Dog" how can you go wrong? He earned this nickname by being a nonstop force on the field, moving from sideline to sideline with his blazing 4.6 speed and eating up running backs like they had a milkbone on their back. He would be able to learn on the job from wily vet Willie McGinest and be ready for a full time starting position within a year or two. Teaming him up with Kamerion Wimbley would give us bookend LBs that would dominate the AFC North for years to come. We need playmakers, and aside from a fairly minor injury history, he's about as surefire as you're going to get. Absolutely no downside to this pick. At all.

As I said at the top of the post, any one of these picks are going to immediately improve our team and I would be happy with any one of them on our roster. Oh yeah, there's a running back out of Oklahoma named Adrian Peterson who has shown a lot of promise as well. If none of the above are available, I'd take him.

Hello Cleveland!

2007-04-21T18:16:00.000-07:00

Hi Guys (I won't even mention girls since there are none reading anything like this),

I'm a little new to this here interwebs and I wanted start a blog since there are so few out there right now. I couldn't decide if I wanted to name my blog "Hardaway hates Pittsburgh" or "Amaechi loves Pittsburgh", but you get the point. I love all things Cleveland and pretty much hate all things Pittsburgh (except my lovely wife). I hope to post my thoughts on Cleveland sports on here from time to time.