Tuesday, July 17, 2007

The Fruitiest Cars Ever Made

Since absolutely nothing is going on in the world of sports right now (except baseball), I figured I would do another list that's been running through my head for quite some time: Fruity cars. There's a ton of them out there and every time I see one I think to myself, "What exactly is the thought process that leads to someone purchasing this car?" I dont want to hear the argument that finances has anything to do with it. For every Dodge Neon, there's a perfectly fine Toyota Corolla or Honda Civic that you can purchase in its place. I honestly don't know what the reasoning is, but in any case, it provides me a brief amount of enjoyment to see a dude cruising through his neighborhood in any one of the ones I'm going to mention below. Here it goes:

9. Scion xB - Still not quite sure what Toyota's designers were thinking with this one...it's basically a box with wheels. A fruity box with wheels. I know you can customize it Gand add all kinds of neat trinkets, graphics and gadgets, but at the end of the day, it's still a box with wheels plus trinkets, graphics and gadgets. Special mention goes to Honda for their Element, that is basically a box with wheels designed to go camping as well.

8. Audi TT - This thing looks like an ovary with wheels.

7. Geo (Chevy) Tracker - I want to go off-roading. I want to hit the dirt trails blazing with a 4WD that doesn't take crap from the road. I want a tough vehicle that tells the road "Who's you're daddy?" I also want to take the top down and feel the cool breeze blowing in my face and all around me as I conquer the unpaved wilderness foot by foot. What am I going to choose? Definitely not a Geo Tracker. If it was possible for a car to talk, this one would scream "estrogen".

6. Hyundai Tiburon - the designers at Hyundai were thinking that making a car look like a bananna with wheels would attract the heavily coveted driving monkey segment of the population. I put this one on my list because a friend of mine drives this one and we agreed it should be on here.

5. Chrysler PT Cruiser - originally when this came out, everyone thought this was a throwback car to the 40's and was a fun and silly little vehicle. I even remember my dad saying that he liked the design because it reminded him of cars from his childhood. Not anymore. This car has so many effeminate connotations that should only make it in purple and sell it in Lakewood, Pittsburgh, and San Francisco. It looks like a fruity thation wagon with curveth. A special kick in the crotch goes out to Chevy for making the copycat in the HHR even after knowing that its design was on a destination to fruitcake city.

4. Mazda Miata - I've heard the argument time and time again that it's a fun little driving machine that handles like a dream and is fun for both men and women and blah blah blah. This thing is girly as girly gets. The Miata is like a go-cart that has been injected with mommy parts.

3. Dodge Neon - If that isn't the girliest name for a car outside of "Plymouth Breeze", I don't know what is. I know a lot of kids like to soup this car up so it looks a little less girly, but it's like putting lipstick on a pig. At the end of the day, your call is still called a "Dodge Neon".

2. Hummer H2 - Let me ask you this? How many total bada$$es do you actually see driving a car like this? None? One? That's about right. This car is usually driven by soccer moms or guys who have something to prove (you know what the say about guys with big cars). I think the average height of H2 drivers is around 4'8".

and the number one girliest car is......................

1. Volkswagen Beetle - This was way too easy. Not a single straight line on the entire body of this car. This car is one big bundle of curves. The most stylish accessory for this ride is a flower in the cup holder. Let me repeat that: The most stylish accessory for this ride is a flower in the cup holder. There is no reason for a male to ever be driving this car at any time. Ever.

There it is folks. If I forgot any, please let me know. And if you drive any of these, I'm sorry. But not really.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

I'm back from vacation

Trying hard now...Gonna Fly now...

Hi All,

Sorry again for the lack of postings, but I've been on vacation for a few weeks and sick or travelling for the others. I promise I will try to do this on a more regular basis. Here are some random thoughts over the last few weeks:

1. Will the All Star Game ever be as exciting as it once was? Maybe it's always been this boring, but I distinctly remember when it was at the Jake being as excited as I can remember for any sporting event (especially when Sandy Alomar hit that bomb). It just seems like no one cares anymore. I think the only memorable thing I can think of besides Ichiro's and Victor's HRs was when Paula Cole (?!) came out to sing God Bless America and couldn't get her keyboard started and it sounded like there was some booing going on. Since it was San Fran, they were probably booing the song choice or the smug lifting.

2. All the reports I've been hearing are saying the Derek Anderson has the clear leg up on the other 2 in camp for the starting QB spot. I don't know what to make of this. All offseason I've been reading that Chud's gameplan is to have a lot of rollouts and bootlegs and that would seem to fit perfectly into Chucky Frye's wheelhouse. I know this is all speculation and we'll see for sure once the pads are on, but I felt like it was my duty to weigh in on this pointless topic.

3. I also saw that LeChuck is trying to make a comeback for this year. How can every single report before this announcement be so way off-base? I'm actually impressed that Bentley managed to fool anyone and everyone by laying so low and not having one source leak out his intentions until he was ready to do so. Comebacks like this aren't supposed to happen in Cleveland, so although I wish him the best, I'll believe it when I see it.

4. I don't get why the Tribe is still having problems drawing huge crowds to their games. They have dominant pitching, an excellent lineup with 4 stars (Grady, Victor, Hafner, and Ja-honny) and are true contenders for the AL Central crown. I know I said before that they are probably just going to let us down again, but that didn't stop me from trying to get out to see them every opportunity I had anyways. Besides, what else is there to do right now, go to the Flats?

5. I had the bright idea of taking my 20 month old son to Disneyland. Big mistake. I don't know if I was spoiled to death by summer after summer of Cedar Point, but every other amusement park just disappoints me. All I really wanted was for my kid to see Mickey Mouse and they make you wait 40 minutes in a stupid line and when we finally got to see him for 10 seconds, it was the Old-School Steamboat Willie Version, not the new one my son sees on their cable extension of their evil conglomerate. I wanted to kick Mickey right in the crotchal region but my better judgement told me not to. What did my son do when he saw this version of Mickey? Try to take his nose off. I couldn't of been prouder of him. Anyways, he caught a virus while we were there and had to go to the Doctor's the rest of the time we were on vacation. He was screaming his head off in 94 degree heat and direct sunlight while on loudspeakers everywhere a song was blaring that had the lyrics "This is the happiest place I've ever been" - I kid you not.

6. Is there a more beautiful place in the continental US than San Diego? Every time I go there to visit family I don't want to come back. Beautiful beaches on one side, beautiful mountains on the other, and a climate that varies between 65 and 90 year round. Drink it in, because it definitely goes down smooth. Seriously, anyone who complains about living there deserves to be punched.

7. My college friends and I had our yearly weekend get-together this past Saturday at a cabin in Berkely Springs, WV. Three things about this:

A) You know you're getting old when you and everyone else is in bed by 11:3o.

B) You couldn't pay me enough money to live in Berkely Springs. We walked into a restaurant and everyone in the place was not talking or eating, just looking at us. I dont' look down on people living in small towns, but man, was that place depressing. It just boggles my mind that someone would want to and enjoys living there.

C) When your stomach is used to eating turkey burgers and 97/3 burgers, 70/30 burgers, while initially tasting good, lead to many, many potty breaks.