Friday, December 7, 2007
I don't know about you, but these past 13 weeks have been awesome. Food tastes better. Work is more enjoyable. Getting up and facing the day is something I look forward to. Sleep is more refreshing. My 2 year old son isn't as fussy. DC traffic is more bearable. Ben Toothlessberger isn't as ugly. Pittsburgh doesn't suck as much (it still sucks, mind you). The last two are completely false, but I just can't bring myself to be angry about the inbred valley surrounded by 3 rivers.
Anyways, I haven't been posting lately for a wide variety of reasons, but mainly because I'm not angry. This blog was an outlet for my frustrations in being a Cleveland sports fan. What do I have to complain about? Absolutely nothing. 3 of the teams I root for have made it to the top of their respective sports. They haven't won, but I'll take being close over what we've been experiencing. If the Browns make the playoffs, one could argue that this is the greating sporting year ever for the city of Cleveland. I am so proud of these Browns and what they've accomplished, I'm not even that angry about losing twice to you know who (we can't get everything we want all at once, can we?).
I had a chance to go home and see a game in person for the first time in 7 years last month against the Seahawks (my buddy was doing the coin toss for Veteran's Day, a fair trade for losing your leg to an IED). What an awesome game to be at...that Stadium was as loud as the old one and people were in such a good mood. It made me miss home in the worst way. One of these days, I will be back in God's country and be better for it. Enjoy this, Browns fans. This team certainly doesn't look like they've been put together as a flash in the pan (a la the Saints) and betters days surely lie ahead.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Anyways, games like this gives us fans a glimmer of hope and we start thinking, maybe, just maybe, this team is starting to turn the corner and put it together. And then the first car in the roller coaster clears the top of the hill, and you know what happens after that. Another kick in the nuts. Seriously, that is exactly what the Raiders game and every other game following a victory has been since 2003. The effort they put forward last Sunday was a kick in the collective groins of everyone that roots for the Brown and Orange. Maybe not giving a crap or overconfidence or whatever you want to call that display of effort is part of the growing process (which I've heard suggested). But if it is, the Browns should be about 50 feet tall with 60 inch pipes from all the “growing” that’s been going on since I can remember. I say this based on only the hearsay and 2nd hand accounts I’ve read and here’s why: I didn’t watch the game this weekend. Before you get on my case, I have a very good reason. I was in Chicago visiting family and actually trying to enjoy my Sunday in the Windy City. I was planning on watching the game when I got home and had it DVR’d and ready to go for when I got back to DC. I refused to even watch the Sunday night Bears game (Rex Grossman has to be Chuck Frye’s brother from another mother) until they had put tape over the scoreboard ticker on the late afternoon games before I sat down in front of the TV. Just as I had sat down, though, CBS cut into a game breaking moment and it was none other than our Browns getting ready to kick the game winning field goal over the Raiders. “Turn it!!!” I shrieked to my brother-in-law and he obliged. But, after thinking for a split second, I said, “to hell with it, turn it back.” I then saw a field goal attempt that had all the effort and intensity of Rosie O’Donnell resisting a second trip to the buffet line or Ben Roethlisberger not trying to look ugly. Seriously, the blocking looked like a no-contact run-through for a high school team the night before the big game. And then I saw some d0u#he with a single bar facemask in a Brown's uniform give a pathetic attempt at scooping it up and running (I know who he is). Piss poor. And you know what? I am so glad I did. Just by seeing that one play, I saved myself wasting 4 hours of my life when I got back home to see that horrible ending. I don’t know what it is, but how is it that we are usually the only team on the field that takes at least a quarter to “get it” and get competitive? Is this coaching? Is this the players? I don’t know but somebody needs to figure this out and fast.
I know I promised myself I wouldn’t go into any more games after that first one with any expectations. After that Cincy game, I couldn’t help but to have just a small amount of hope and excitement like everyone else, but once again, that is officially out the door. On a side note, Chicago is fast becoming my second favorite city. I had one of the best Saturday afternoons I can remember sporting-wise. I started the day off at an Ohio State Bakery and followed that up with a trip to an Ohio State Bar for brunch and to hang out with some fellow Buckeyes before the game that afternoon. After downing a few adult beverages, including my first Old Style, I then went to my first Cubs game. Wow is all I can say about it. We had seats 3 rows behind the bullpen for the Cubs and the interaction that Wrigley Field provides to the players is awesome. You can seriously reach out and grab them. I love the Jake and have nothing but awesome memories of the 90’s and the sellouts that made those games awesome, but being in Wrigley during a Pennant race with a packed house was just breath-taking. You could just feel the collective will of everyone in that place take the Cubs’ play to another level. And to top it all off, they wailed on that Inbred Valley surrounded by 3 Rivers. Beautiful. After that, we made our way back to the Buckeye Bar and then watched with about 100 OSU fans the butt-whipping of a lifetime given to the unfortunate Northwestern Wildcats. It was also funny to see Appalachian State T-shirts everywhere and even on sale in the Big-Ten Store in the OSU section. At least one of the football teams I root for doesn’t suck out loud. Even my wife and brother and sister in-law , all yinzers, can sit through those games. Now before anyone starts calling me a turncoat or anything, I love Cleveland and I am certain if our city ever got its act together, we could transform our Lakefront and surrounding area into what Chicago has (hasn’t this been suggested for about 20 years now? Our city government continues to suck).
Congratulations to the Indians and the AL Central Pennant! I, like just about everyone else from our beloved city, devotes way too much time and attention to the loser that is masquerading as our Browns and way too little time to this team that has come together and has one of the best starting rotations in the majors and a 2 deep bullpen that is lights out (I’m leaving Joe Borowski out of the “lights out” description). Even sub-par years from Grady and Hafner didn’t prevent this team from coming together, getting timely hitting when it had to and winning. I am very proud of them and I wish them the best. I know I had said before that I was tired of watching this team because I know what’s going to happen, but a post-season disappointment is much better than a total disappointment (I’m talking to you, Romeo).
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Monday, September 10, 2007
Friday, September 7, 2007
Here was the prediction for the first game:
September 9 PITTSBURGH STEELERS
W, 42-0 - Quinn throws for 450 yds in debut
I am still sticking to my score prediction. However, I may have to change the side note on this one unless Charlie Frye goes down on the first drive.
So here's my new prediction:
As of kickoff at 1:05 pm on Sunday, September 9th, Pittsburgh will still suck.
Ben Roethlishoofer will still have a bulbous nose.
Stay tuned next week for some post-game analysis!
By the way, wasn't it a great to be an Ohio football fan last week? We more than held our own against the entire country in Kirk Hirbstreit's Ohio vs. USA High School Football Challenge, Ohio State won, Mount Union set a college record for most points scored in a quarter (as a former D3er, please believe me when I say every school prays that these guys don't end up on your non-conference schedule, I'd love to see them matched up against a 1-AA team some time).
But the piece-de-resistance of last weekend was seeing the team up north get some Deliverance treatment by a 1 - AA TEAM!!!!! It doesn't get any better than that. All I can say to the administration up there is this (and everyone who loves the Bucks repeat after me):
KEEP LLOYD CARR! KEEP LLOYD CARR!
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
He has accepted a similar position with the Plain Dealer in Cleveland.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Monday, August 13, 2007
Danny Ferry has had all offseason to make improvements to our up-and-coming, yet flawed roster, and as of right now, the only news that's headline worthy is this?
From Brian Windhorst:
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Here's the latest from the PD: Brady Quinn has signed a contract with the Browns and will be heading to camp soon. Just what we need, another quarterback to throw erratic passes to our receivers!
Monday, August 6, 2007
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
9. Scion xB - Still not quite sure what Toyota's designers were thinking with this one...it's basically a box with wheels. A fruity box with wheels. I know you can customize it Gand add all kinds of neat trinkets, graphics and gadgets, but at the end of the day, it's still a box with wheels plus trinkets, graphics and gadgets. Special mention goes to Honda for their Element, that is basically a box with wheels designed to go camping as well.
8. Audi TT - This thing looks like an ovary with wheels.
7. Geo (Chevy) Tracker - I want to go off-roading. I want to hit the dirt trails blazing with a 4WD that doesn't take crap from the road. I want a tough vehicle that tells the road "Who's you're daddy?" I also want to take the top down and feel the cool breeze blowing in my face and all around me as I conquer the unpaved wilderness foot by foot. What am I going to choose? Definitely not a Geo Tracker. If it was possible for a car to talk, this one would scream "estrogen".
6. Hyundai Tiburon - the designers at Hyundai were thinking that making a car look like a bananna with wheels would attract the heavily coveted driving monkey segment of the population. I put this one on my list because a friend of mine drives this one and we agreed it should be on here.
5. Chrysler PT Cruiser - originally when this came out, everyone thought this was a throwback car to the 40's and was a fun and silly little vehicle. I even remember my dad saying that he liked the design because it reminded him of cars from his childhood. Not anymore. This car has so many effeminate connotations that should only make it in purple and sell it in Lakewood, Pittsburgh, and San Francisco. It looks like a fruity thation wagon with curveth. A special kick in the crotch goes out to Chevy for making the copycat in the HHR even after knowing that its design was on a destination to fruitcake city.
4. Mazda Miata - I've heard the argument time and time again that it's a fun little driving machine that handles like a dream and is fun for both men and women and blah blah blah. This thing is girly as girly gets. The Miata is like a go-cart that has been injected with mommy parts.
3. Dodge Neon - If that isn't the girliest name for a car outside of "Plymouth Breeze", I don't know what is. I know a lot of kids like to soup this car up so it looks a little less girly, but it's like putting lipstick on a pig. At the end of the day, your call is still called a "Dodge Neon".
2. Hummer H2 - Let me ask you this? How many total bada$$es do you actually see driving a car like this? None? One? That's about right. This car is usually driven by soccer moms or guys who have something to prove (you know what the say about guys with big cars). I think the average height of H2 drivers is around 4'8".
and the number one girliest car is......................
1. Volkswagen Beetle - This was way too easy. Not a single straight line on the entire body of this car. This car is one big bundle of curves. The most stylish accessory for this ride is a flower in the cup holder. Let me repeat that: The most stylish accessory for this ride is a flower in the cup holder. There is no reason for a male to ever be driving this car at any time. Ever.
There it is folks. If I forgot any, please let me know. And if you drive any of these, I'm sorry. But not really.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Thursday, June 14, 2007
With this year's improbable run to the Championships and the probable ending that all of those so-called "experts" predicted, it's time to start looking again at the lifeblood of this town, the Brown and Orange. Before I do that though, here's a few of my thoughts (since you asked) on the first 3 games so far:
"Deve ser o herói, deve fazer exame do tiro para o glory do basketball"
- This is what was going through Anderson Varejao's mind as he inexplicably took a nice entry pass from His Highness and spun wildly into the paint and put up a flailing semi-hook, semi-layup, semi-total brick with time winding down in Game 3. Roughly translated from Portugese to English, it states, "must be hero, must take basketball shot for glory". I don't know how it works in Brazil, Anderson, but in America, if you aren't completely wide open and have no discernible go-to post up moves to speak of, you pass the basketball to the best player in the world (sort of) to take that final shot. Criminy.
-I've been trying to figure out who Sasha Pavlovic reminded me of and on Tuesday night it hit me:
-Boobie Gibson, I ain't mad at ya, but welcome to pressure. Here's to hoping you handle it better the next time around.
-The first two losses were easier to take than this last one. In the first two games, we definitely didn't deserve to win and had the deer-in-headlights look except for the 4th quarter in both games, but on Tuesday: ouch, that one stung. We were the better defensive team, the more aggressive, the more dominant in the paint, and we basically shut down 2 of their big 3, and still lost. I don't know what we can do except shoot, shoot, shoot in the offseason to improve our offensive game. There were plenty of nice drives and open looks, but no finishes.
-Whatever happens this last game, I'm still proud of this team and glad I got to at least experience what it felt like to be playing for something important again.
On to the Browns:
-I've read on a few of the sites I have links to that we are located at or near the bottom of the power rankings on a few major publications. Good. I don't want any expectations or victory predictions by anyone (Braylon, this means you) for this upcoming season. If you go into this season expecting the very worse, you won't come away disappointed if it happens (easier said than done).
- I think I like the fact that Rob Chudzinski and Romeo are taking this approach to installing the new offense: drinking from the firehose. Throw it all out there, see what sticks and then see what areas need to be improved on. No more hand-holding, coddling or gradually introducing anything. These guys are all professionals making a lot more money than the average schlub and can at least be expected to grasp a plan for playing a game. I also think it's good for the QB competition. All of them are now on a level playing field and whoever can grasp this offense and its nuances the fastest and most accurately will be the starter. For this season, I honestly do hope it's Frye because I want to see him succeed, Quinn's not ready by all appearances and supposedly this offense involves more rollouts, which is Charlie's forte.
- When K2's knee status makes national headlines (I just saw it on the NFL Network), not good. We need this guy in the worst way (not in a Pittsburgh kind of wanting, but nonetheless).
- Just saw an article on how Joe Thomas and Chase Pittman got into a fight during minicamp. I'm sure RAC was thrilled that the 3rd overall pick in the draft was getting into it with someone who probably won't even be on the roster.
Thursday, June 7, 2007
Here's an interesting (for the Plain Dealer) article I found on Cleveland.com: San Antonio tries to be mean, and basically comes off looking like a bunch of second graders in the insult department. Here's a couple of gems:
"The Cuyahoga River caught on fire"
"We haven't won a title in over 40 years"
"The Cleveland Browns stink"
"We've lost games with names like The Drive, The Fumble and The Shot"
"Anderson Varejao looks like Sideshow Bob"
People in Texas like cowboys, right?
I think this series will be closer than most of these "experts" think. You can't discount the fact that Lebron played two excellent games against them and we beat them twice already this year. I know this is the Finals and we don't know what to expect and blah, blah, blah, but I am tired of being negative about this team so I will actually make a prediction that I enjoy writing: Cavs in 7. Lebron will not be denied!!!! Enjoy these games, folks, we are so close!!!!
Sunday, June 3, 2007
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Boobie, you say? How does one get this nickname?
The Cavs have completely outplayed the Pistons in all 4 games and this should have been over or at least 3-1 right now. I know it and Detroit knows it. Anyways, nothing has been more encouraging (besides Lebron's deciding to start caring again) than the emergence of one Daniel "Boobie" Gibson. This guy is doing what we've been harping on Larry Hughes for not doing time and time again: TAKING IT TO THE HOLE. He is playing much bigger than his 6' frame is reflecting. How hard is it to think "drive first, shoot second"? Maybe it is his youth and naivete that is letting him play free of any hesitancy, but whatever it is, he needs to explain to Larry that this is how it's done. This may be a moot point now that Larry is in all likelihood, out for the rest of the series, but I seriously can't wait to turn the TV on tonight and then off for the third quarter, and then back on again.
On a side note, I was able to ask Rasheed Wallace after game 3 how Lebron's armpit tasted. He let me know that the hairs were a little wiry, but the sweat and Right Guard gave them a very nice and light taste, almost like a refreshing spritzer sprinkled over angel hair pasta. It was nice to see him finally lose it in game 4 and pout like the ugly, skilled and rangy baby he is. I was almost expecting Scut Farkus to run onto the court and ask him if he was going to cry. Anyways, it's nice to see that Chauncey Billups and Richard Hamilton realize that I hate them and that they are doing their best to make sure we win.
Monday, May 21, 2007
nothing funny about this picture...at all.
The parallels between Lebron James and Michael Jordan are eerily similar in this aspect, both will probably have to lose to a bunch of a-hats from Detroit before achieving any further success in the playoffs. I have no idea why I have such a fatalistic attitude with the Cavs, but it’s easy to pinpoint why with the Indians. They have a good team, a potentially really good team, but I’ve seen this show before and I liked it better when the actors had names like Albert Belle, Jim Thome, Manny Ramirez and Carlos Obed Baerga. This team is going to tantalize with good play when it really doesn’t matter and will choke when it comes to crunch time, mark my words.
I waited 5 hours in line for his autograph
Some of my best memories in regards to Cleveland sports were when I was in college and high school and going to the Jake on a warm summer’s night when it was the place to be. It was great seeing people in downtown Cleveland past 5 pm and actually enjoying themselves outside of the Flats. People actually wanted to be there and a ticket was hard to come by. Hanging around Homerun Porch with a cold beverage in your hand, BS’ing with some dude from Wickliffe that under the normal circumstances, I would have mocked mercilessly, about anything and everything Tribe related…it didn’t get any better than that. I remember the excitement of hearing a friend’s dad had a last minute meeting or obligation and those season tickets were now available. Or a cop that I am very good friends with would have us come downtown without tickets, walk around for a while, and bust the very first opposing team’s fans that were drinking outside of the stadium and give us their tickets (the same went for Browns’ games – nothing better than a yinzer spitting up his Iron City all over his Zubaz pants as he realizes he just got screwed ten ways from Tuesday and the only way out of getting arrested was to give a Browns’ fan his tickets – beautiful). Anyways, I feel like Randy Quaid in Major League II. I won’t be convinced we are going to win anything until those final seconds tick off the clock in the deciding game we are winning. Basically, I will never be convinced. The Browns on the other hand, are a different story. They can have a good draft and I’m ready to put RAC’s moobs on my head if I think it will give us a chance to go .500. Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, the Cavs are in the finals. Sweet! Here’s my prediction: Rasheed Wallace is ugly. Prediction #2: I think the Pistons will take this in 6.
Friday, May 18, 2007
Friday, May 11, 2007
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
HHP: Joe, can I call you Joe? Thank you so much for taking the time out of your busy schedule to sit down with us so we can get some clarification on your comments last week.
Joe Theismann: Sure, no problem!
HHP: First question: What do you enjoy more, beating up the homeless or farting in church?
JT: That’s an easy one. Beating up the homel----Wait a second. Where did you say you were from again?
HHP: The New York Times. Where I’m from isn’t important, Joe. Clearing up your good name is and that’s what I’m here for. Just trying to keep it light and loosen up the tension. Relax! Okay, now on to the serious stuff. When you made those comments last week, what were you hoping to come across as? An attention-hungry publicity whore or a cranky old fart?
JT: Neither. I was just stating my opinion that being invited to the draft is serious business and an honor, and should be treated as such.
HHP: So you feel your comments were warranted, even after taking into account that Brady had to sit in the Green Room for over 4 ½ hours and maybe that tie was getting a little too tight considering the embarrassment of not going anywhere near where he was projected to go?
JT: Absolutely. If you had to wait for an interview for 4 ½ hours, you wouldn’t loosen your tie.
HHP: Did it ever occur to you that maybe his hairstyle is what is popular with the kids today and might even be considered an homage to the awful hairstyles that were around in the 70s? I’ve seen some of your hairdos from that time, and Lord knows, you really don’t have a lot of room to talk. Also, it’s a known fact that anyone who perpetuated or partook in any type of fashion statement from the 70’s is not allowed to make any fashion judgements again for the rest of their life.
JT: No it’s not. The 70’s was a great time to be alive and lot of experimentation in all facets of life was going on, including the fashion wor—
HHP: Can you remember another instance of a highly regarded prospect, both in terms of ability and character, being ripped by an alumnus and former player of his own school? Aren’t you supposed to show solidarity and support to those responsible for representing your program, especially since the recent run of Notre Dame quarterbacks in the NFL has been, to put it nicely, piss poor? I mean, Keyshawn Johnson, likable guy that he is, handled the Panthers’ drafting of his replacement, from his own school no less, with more class than the comments you made.
HHP: Moving on, Joe Montana has gone on the record to say that you are a disgrace to every Notre Dame Quarterback who has ever put on the Golden Dome and your mother should have had her tubes tied well before you were born. What do you have to say in response?
JT: Joe Montana didn’t say that. Where did you get that???
HHP: It’s on the records. Check it out for yourself. What Joe Montana did or didn’t say is not relevant to this interview. What is relevant is that the sports world wants to know, do you unequivocally stand by your statements and have no regrets making them?
HHP: Boxers or Briefs?
JT: What?? Uh, depends…
HHP: That sounds about right. Joe, you’ve been known to make some pretty interesting comments during your broadcasting career. I wanted to bring out a few of them and get some feedback from you as far as what was going through your head while making them, okay?
HHP: First up: In 1996, you stated during a Sunday Night Football telecast that, “The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein”. Did you notify Norman beforehand that you were going to be using him as an example of a genius?
JT: What are you talking about? Norman Einstein was a scientist during the 30’s and 40’s and has been dead for over 60 years!
HHP: Sorry, my mistake. On a side note, is Norman in any way related to Albert?
JT: Not that I’m aware of. What does that have to do with this interview?
HHP: Nothing, nothing at all. I have a few more comments from this last season of Monday Night Football that I’d like to go over with you. In regards to Brett Favre, you stated, “You are not allowed to go away yet. We want you. We need you.”* Were you on your wife’s cycle when you made this statement? Also, do Brett Favre’s lips taste like a sweet summer’s day?
JT: Where did you say you were from again?
HHP: Better Homes and Gardens. You also made this quote during last season, ”This is a home game. This is where you finally get to play at home”. * Did you ride the short bus when you were growing up?
JT: What is that supposed to mean?
HHP: Just an expression, that’s all…You were recently fired from Monday Night Football. Did this have any bearing in your decision to make those statements about Brady? Were you hoping to get some publicity for other possible openings out there? Also, does it bother you that Jared, the tool from Subway, is getting more interaction with athletes than you currently are?
HHP: True or False: The DC sports media treats you like their drunk uncle. They desperately want to like you, but you do so many things to embarrass yourself that they have to make fun of you behind your back.
JT: False. Everyone likes me.
HHP: Do you have AIDS?
HHP: Are you positive?
HHP: hee hee…You have publicly stated that Ron Jaworski looks like a cross between a walrus and Chunk from “The Goonies”. Does it bother you that they selected his mug to replace you on Monday Night Football? Also, did the fact that he actually studies game film to formulate an opinion have any bearing on ESPN’s decision to replace you with him?
JT: I have never said that about Ron. He and I are good friends and I review plenty of game film beforehand.
HHP: Right. Aside from yourself, who is the worst former-athlete turned broadcaster? Sean Salisbury? OJ Simpson?
JT: Number one, I am definitely not the worst. Number two, there are no bad ones, each has their own unique style and skill set.
HHP: Where are you more likely to get a better meal, Chi-Chi’s or Joe Theismann’s?
JT: I’m not familiar with Chi-Chi’s, but at Joe Theismann’s, you can get a great meal at an affordable price any day of the week!
HHP: I’ve been to your restaurant, Joe. Let’s not kid ourselves. As a favor to you, we thought we’d give you the opportunity for an on-air audition for a play-by-play gig. We will give you a play from a past game to call, and we’ll record it and send it out to the stations looking to fill any open positions. What do you think?
JT: Sounds great! What play will I be calling?
HHP: Here it is: A Monday Night Football Game on national TV. It’s going to be a pass play and for the audition’s sake, we’ll call the quarterback “Slow Not-so-wiseman”. He’s dropping back to pass and the coverage around him is breaking down. All of a sudden a hard-hitting linebacker, we’ll call him “Lawrence Taylor”…
JT: This interview is over.
*Thanks to JoeSportsFan for the quotes
Thursday, May 3, 2007
The 5 greasiest players in this year’s NBA playoffs:
Even though these guys are earning millions of dollars, they still come across as greasy. Each one is unique in his own special way, but greasy nonetheless. I’ve ranked them in terms of greasiness and also where I can see these guys being greasy if they weren’t in the NBA. As always, if I forgot someone who is extra greasy, please add them to the comments list.
5. Steve Nash – He just comes across as looking as if he just stepped out of a sauna or spent all night clubbing. He looked even greasier last year when his hair was long, but make no mistake, the haircut only covers up a little bit of the greasiness since it appears to always be matted down. I picture him as a high-powered aerobics or spinning instructor shouting out words of encouragement to a group of over-weight, middle-aged yentas and wearing super tight spandex shorts and a tight Under Armour top with a hip pack around his waist with two water bottles attached to it.
4. Anderson Varejao – I know he is a hometown favorite and I love the guy as a player, but if you’ll take off your wine and gold colored glasses for a second, you’ll see he is greasy. He would be perfect as a stunt double in that Soul-Glo commercial. Can’t you see him with his head down, spraying activator all over his fro/ pube-wig and then whipping his head back and forth as he looks up and winks at the camera? Just let your soooouuuullllllll glo!
3. Etan Thomas – Ugh. He is so greasy, my keyboard got oily just typing his name. Those hideous dreadlocks make him look like a feminine version of Sheryl Swoopes. Seriously, he would average at least 4 more points and 2 more boards a game if he wasn’t using all that energy to lug that hair around. The greasiness that is his hair is a direct result of a lack of shampooing and profusely sweating night in and night out for half the year. I also hear Etan fancies himself a poet of sorts, even publishing a book called “More Than an Athlete: Poems by Etan Thomas”. This might explain why he hasn’t improved his game on the floor in the past 6 years. Anyways, this one is easy. The location: an open mic night at some artsy fartsy bookstore like Politics and Prose or Olsson’s in Dupont Circle (if you’re not familiar with this area of DC, let’s just say Hardaway is not a fan). The scene: Etan comes to the mic wearing a wool turtleneck sweater that was around during the Nixon Administration and probably hasn’t been washed since then and skin-tight bell bottom pants with his hair up in a bun. The disctinctive scent and smoke of cloves and the sticky-icky permeates the dimly lit room and hipsters of all sort are lounging around, waiting to hear what angst and bile spews forth from this unusually tall poet’s mouth. Etan steps to the mike:
Ahem…Milk, Milk, Lemonade
Turn the corner, Fud……Hello?
Is this on?
2. Jorge Garbajosa – Obviously, the top two spots on this list are occupied by foreign players. This Borat look-alike just oozes grease from his pores. He can easily be spotted in the off-season in euro-trash clubs all over Europe, wearing the latest Euro-tight turtleneck with short sleeves and mad gumby gold all over, grinding up behind women and seeing if they want sexy time with Jorge. I hear he pees his shorts before every game so both his shorts and shirt stink to high heaven and nobody will want to D up on him. Not really.
1. Fabricio Oberto – Greasy, thy name is Fabricio. Wow. Just look at those pictures. To say he is greasy is like saying Rosie O’Donnell likes the occasional rump roast. Nappy hair with the mullet highlights? Check. 10 day stubble with all kinds of dirt trapped in the whiskers? Check. Creepy, smoldering glare that looks like he is trying to undress you with his eyes (both men and women)? Check. Stench emanating from all crevices of his body due to an allergy of showers? I’m assuming check. This guy gets his grooming accessories from the bottom of the French Fry pit at McDonalds. I really can’t classify his greasiness since it encompasses such a wide spectrum, but I can see him fitting in easily in any of the scenarios above.
There you have it folks, the greasiest players in this year’s NBA draft. Remember them and their contributions to advancing the greasy cause.