Thursday, May 31, 2007

That was sick

Just got done watching this Double OT thriller that Lebron just took into his own hands. He was playing with a will and drive that I have never, ever ever ever seen from a Cleveland sports figure. That was freakin awesome. Thank you Lebron for making me proud to say I'm a Cavs fan. Detroit played equally well and Chauncey Billups is straight gangsta when it comes to taking big shots. More on this later.

Mike Brown showed me his Boobie and I liked them too!

Wow, my lack of posts lately has been unacceptable. What can I say besides the fact that having a real job is not so much fun. Anyways, I have been thoroughly enjoying this last week. Sweeping the Tigers and taking 2 straight from the Pistons? No offense Detroit, but when was the last time Cleveland could say they owned another city, if even for a weekend?

Never? That sounds about right.

Boobie, you say? How does one get this nickname?

The Cavs have completely outplayed the Pistons in all 4 games and this should have been over or at least 3-1 right now. I know it and Detroit knows it. Anyways, nothing has been more encouraging (besides Lebron's deciding to start caring again) than the emergence of one Daniel "Boobie" Gibson. This guy is doing what we've been harping on Larry Hughes for not doing time and time again: TAKING IT TO THE HOLE. He is playing much bigger than his 6' frame is reflecting. How hard is it to think "drive first, shoot second"? Maybe it is his youth and naivete that is letting him play free of any hesitancy, but whatever it is, he needs to explain to Larry that this is how it's done. This may be a moot point now that Larry is in all likelihood, out for the rest of the series, but I seriously can't wait to turn the TV on tonight and then off for the third quarter, and then back on again.

On a side note, I was able to ask Rasheed Wallace after game 3 how Lebron's armpit tasted. He let me know that the hairs were a little wiry, but the sweat and Right Guard gave them a very nice and light taste, almost like a refreshing spritzer sprinkled over angel hair pasta. It was nice to see him finally lose it in game 4 and pout like the ugly, skilled and rangy baby he is. I was almost expecting Scut Farkus to run onto the court and ask him if he was going to cry. Anyways, it's nice to see that Chauncey Billups and Richard Hamilton realize that I hate them and that they are doing their best to make sure we win.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Conference Runners Up, Here We Come!!!!

nothing funny about this all.

Well, well, well…look’s who’s in the conference Finals. After some of the most unimpressive playoff basketball I can remember seeing in recent history, the Cavs managed to not suck nearly as bad as the Nets and are standing in front of the beast of the East once again, the Detroit Pistons. I hate the Pistons. I hate the fact that their best player has a name from the 1920’s (Chauncey Billups), I hate the fact that Rasheed Wallace has a skunk patch and that he is going to complain like he just found out that smoking weed is illegal, I hate the fact that a member of the Fab Five is now playing for them and he’s still pretty good, I hate the fact that Detroit is just as ugly, if not uglier, a city than Pittsburgh, I hate the fact that Tayshaun Prince looks like Gollum’s and Morgan Freeman’s love child, I hate the fact that Rip Hamilton looks like a Junior Varsity d-bag and has a silky smooth jumper, I hate the fact that Carlos Arroyo is Carlos Arroyo and I hate the fact that we are probably going to lose.

The parallels between Lebron James and Michael Jordan are eerily similar in this aspect, both will probably have to lose to a bunch of a-hats from Detroit before achieving any further success in the playoffs. I have no idea why I have such a fatalistic attitude with the Cavs, but it’s easy to pinpoint why with the Indians. They have a good team, a potentially really good team, but I’ve seen this show before and I liked it better when the actors had names like Albert Belle, Jim Thome, Manny Ramirez and Carlos Obed Baerga. This team is going to tantalize with good play when it really doesn’t matter and will choke when it comes to crunch time, mark my words.

I waited 5 hours in line for his autograph

Some of my best memories in regards to Cleveland sports were when I was in college and high school and going to the Jake on a warm summer’s night when it was the place to be. It was great seeing people in downtown Cleveland past 5 pm and actually enjoying themselves outside of the Flats. People actually wanted to be there and a ticket was hard to come by. Hanging around Homerun Porch with a cold beverage in your hand, BS’ing with some dude from Wickliffe that under the normal circumstances, I would have mocked mercilessly, about anything and everything Tribe related…it didn’t get any better than that. I remember the excitement of hearing a friend’s dad had a last minute meeting or obligation and those season tickets were now available. Or a cop that I am very good friends with would have us come downtown without tickets, walk around for a while, and bust the very first opposing team’s fans that were drinking outside of the stadium and give us their tickets (the same went for Browns’ games – nothing better than a yinzer spitting up his Iron City all over his Zubaz pants as he realizes he just got screwed ten ways from Tuesday and the only way out of getting arrested was to give a Browns’ fan his tickets – beautiful). Anyways, I feel like Randy Quaid in Major League II. I won’t be convinced we are going to win anything until those final seconds tick off the clock in the deciding game we are winning. Basically, I will never be convinced. The Browns on the other hand, are a different story. They can have a good draft and I’m ready to put RAC’s moobs on my head if I think it will give us a chance to go .500. Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, the Cavs are in the finals. Sweet! Here’s my prediction: Rasheed Wallace is ugly. Prediction #2: I think the Pistons will take this in 6.


Friday, May 18, 2007

Do we have to say they are part of Ohio?


If a certain geographic area has more in common with its surrounding states (ie spousal abuse and drunk driving) is it okay to say they are not part of your state? Here is another Bengal's arrest article . It'd be funny if spousal abuse was a laughing matter.

San Francisco = Pittsburgh West

To the yinzers who contacted their boyfriends and let them know I was in San Francisco:

Do you think that breaking into my rental car and stealing my laptop will stop me from exposing the truth about your backwater city and breeding habits? I will not be silenced!!!!!

Sorry for the lack of recent posts, but my computer was stolen while I was on the West Coast for business. I hope to start posting again regularly, so fear not my loyal readers (who number in the 9s). I have tons of stupid ideas for even stupider articles that I'm sure no one will care about.

On a side note, Cavs basketball, it's craptastic!!!!!

Friday, May 11, 2007

Steeler busted for running a prositution ring just posted this nice little story out of Pittsburgh. A Steeler running an underage prostitution ring? Is anyone suprised by this? My only questions are the following: Where was he going to find customers willing to pay to sleep with their cousins? Can you be called a "pimp" if all you have are gigolos in your stable? This also explains why he haven't seen or heard from Kordell Stewart for a while.

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

Hardaway Hates Pittsburgh Exclusive: An interview with Joe Theismann

So Brady Quinn showed up to the Browns’ Rookie Camp on Friday with a new hairdo. Gone was the wavy, unkempt locks of the latest emo band and in its place was a regular old haircut. While this really isn’t news unless you have a subscription to Tiger Beat, this made headlines because of the reason for the new haircut. On Mike and Mike in the morning a few days before camp opened, Joe Theismann ripped into Brady Quinn because of his “unprofessional appearance” during the draft. This has created headlines (which is exactly what I’m sure Joe T. was hoping for) throughout the sports world. We here at Hardaway Hates Pittsburgh are proud to say we have scored an exclusive interview with the man himself. He agreed to do this interview with us in order to clear up any confusion or speculation over what was said last week. We sat down with him here in DC and the following is a transcript of our chat:

HHP: Joe, can I call you Joe? Thank you so much for taking the time out of your busy schedule to sit down with us so we can get some clarification on your comments last week.

Joe Theismann: Sure, no problem!

HHP: First question: What do you enjoy more, beating up the homeless or farting in church?

JT: That’s an easy one. Beating up the homel----Wait a second. Where did you say you were from again?

HHP: The New York Times. Where I’m from isn’t important, Joe. Clearing up your good name is and that’s what I’m here for. Just trying to keep it light and loosen up the tension. Relax! Okay, now on to the serious stuff. When you made those comments last week, what were you hoping to come across as? An attention-hungry publicity whore or a cranky old fart?

JT: Neither. I was just stating my opinion that being invited to the draft is serious business and an honor, and should be treated as such.

HHP: So you feel your comments were warranted, even after taking into account that Brady had to sit in the Green Room for over 4 ½ hours and maybe that tie was getting a little too tight considering the embarrassment of not going anywhere near where he was projected to go?

JT: Absolutely. If you had to wait for an interview for 4 ½ hours, you wouldn’t loosen your tie.

HHP: Did it ever occur to you that maybe his hairstyle is what is popular with the kids today and might even be considered an homage to the awful hairstyles that were around in the 70s? I’ve seen some of your hairdos from that time, and Lord knows, you really don’t have a lot of room to talk. Also, it’s a known fact that anyone who perpetuated or partook in any type of fashion statement from the 70’s is not allowed to make any fashion judgements again for the rest of their life.

JT: No it’s not. The 70’s was a great time to be alive and lot of experimentation in all facets of life was going on, including the fashion wor—

HHP: Can you remember another instance of a highly regarded prospect, both in terms of ability and character, being ripped by an alumnus and former player of his own school? Aren’t you supposed to show solidarity and support to those responsible for representing your program, especially since the recent run of Notre Dame quarterbacks in the NFL has been, to put it nicely, piss poor? I mean, Keyshawn Johnson, likable guy that he is, handled the Panthers’ drafting of his replacement, from his own school no less, with more class than the comments you made.

JT: uhhh..

HHP: Moving on, Joe Montana has gone on the record to say that you are a disgrace to every Notre Dame Quarterback who has ever put on the Golden Dome and your mother should have had her tubes tied well before you were born. What do you have to say in response?

JT: Joe Montana didn’t say that. Where did you get that???

HHP: It’s on the records. Check it out for yourself. What Joe Montana did or didn’t say is not relevant to this interview. What is relevant is that the sports world wants to know, do you unequivocally stand by your statements and have no regrets making them?

JT: Yes.

HHP: Boxers or Briefs?

JT: What?? Uh, depends…

HHP: That sounds about right. Joe, you’ve been known to make some pretty interesting comments during your broadcasting career. I wanted to bring out a few of them and get some feedback from you as far as what was going through your head while making them, okay?

JT: Okay.

HHP: First up: In 1996, you stated during a Sunday Night Football telecast that, “The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein”. Did you notify Norman beforehand that you were going to be using him as an example of a genius?

JT: What are you talking about? Norman Einstein was a scientist during the 30’s and 40’s and has been dead for over 60 years!

HHP: Sorry, my mistake. On a side note, is Norman in any way related to Albert?

JT: Not that I’m aware of. What does that have to do with this interview?

HHP: Nothing, nothing at all. I have a few more comments from this last season of Monday Night Football that I’d like to go over with you. In regards to Brett Favre, you stated, “You are not allowed to go away yet. We want you. We need you.”* Were you on your wife’s cycle when you made this statement? Also, do Brett Favre’s lips taste like a sweet summer’s day?

JT: Where did you say you were from again?

HHP: Better Homes and Gardens. You also made this quote during last season, ”This is a home game. This is where you finally get to play at home”. * Did you ride the short bus when you were growing up?

JT: What is that supposed to mean?

HHP: Just an expression, that’s all…You were recently fired from Monday Night Football. Did this have any bearing in your decision to make those statements about Brady? Were you hoping to get some publicity for other possible openings out there? Also, does it bother you that Jared, the tool from Subway, is getting more interaction with athletes than you currently are?

JT: No.

HHP: True or False: The DC sports media treats you like their drunk uncle. They desperately want to like you, but you do so many things to embarrass yourself that they have to make fun of you behind your back.

JT: False. Everyone likes me.

HHP: Do you have AIDS?

JT: No.

HHP: Are you positive?

JT: Yes.

HHP: hee hee…You have publicly stated that Ron Jaworski looks like a cross between a walrus and Chunk from “The Goonies”. Does it bother you that they selected his mug to replace you on Monday Night Football? Also, did the fact that he actually studies game film to formulate an opinion have any bearing on ESPN’s decision to replace you with him?

JT: I have never said that about Ron. He and I are good friends and I review plenty of game film beforehand.

HHP: Right. Aside from yourself, who is the worst former-athlete turned broadcaster? Sean Salisbury? OJ Simpson?

JT: Number one, I am definitely not the worst. Number two, there are no bad ones, each has their own unique style and skill set.

HHP: Where are you more likely to get a better meal, Chi-Chi’s or Joe Theismann’s?

JT: I’m not familiar with Chi-Chi’s, but at Joe Theismann’s, you can get a great meal at an affordable price any day of the week!

HHP: I’ve been to your restaurant, Joe. Let’s not kid ourselves. As a favor to you, we thought we’d give you the opportunity for an on-air audition for a play-by-play gig. We will give you a play from a past game to call, and we’ll record it and send it out to the stations looking to fill any open positions. What do you think?

JT: Sounds great! What play will I be calling?

HHP: Here it is: A Monday Night Football Game on national TV. It’s going to be a pass play and for the audition’s sake, we’ll call the quarterback “Slow Not-so-wiseman”. He’s dropping back to pass and the coverage around him is breaking down. All of a sudden a hard-hitting linebacker, we’ll call him “Lawrence Taylor”…

JT: This interview is over.

*Thanks to JoeSportsFan for the quotes

Thursday, May 3, 2007

The 5 Greasiest Players in this Year's Playoffs

Well, the good news for Cavs’ fans is that we swept a Washington Wizards team that was down its two best players. Is anybody excited yet? I think this might have been the most unimpressive sweep I have ever seen. As I stated before, I don’t think we are a championship caliber team yet. I don’t know what it is, but I definitely can’t put my finger on it. Call me jaded, but I need to see them absolutely demolish the Nets (I'm assuming they win) before I can really get into this year’s playoffs. With that being said, I thought my next article should be one that required a great deal of in-depth analysis and research:

The 5 greasiest players in this year’s NBA playoffs:

Even though these guys are earning millions of dollars, they still come across as greasy. Each one is unique in his own special way, but greasy nonetheless. I’ve ranked them in terms of greasiness and also where I can see these guys being greasy if they weren’t in the NBA. As always, if I forgot someone who is extra greasy, please add them to the comments list.

5. Steve Nash – He just comes across as looking as if he just stepped out of a sauna or spent all night clubbing. He looked even greasier last year when his hair was long, but make no mistake, the haircut only covers up a little bit of the greasiness since it appears to always be matted down. I picture him as a high-powered aerobics or spinning instructor shouting out words of encouragement to a group of over-weight, middle-aged yentas and wearing super tight spandex shorts and a tight Under Armour top with a hip pack around his waist with two water bottles attached to it.

4. Anderson Varejao – I know he is a hometown favorite and I love the guy as a player, but if you’ll take off your wine and gold colored glasses for a second, you’ll see he is greasy. He would be perfect as a stunt double in that Soul-Glo commercial. Can’t you see him with his head down, spraying activator all over his fro/ pube-wig and then whipping his head back and forth as he looks up and winks at the camera? Just let your soooouuuullllllll glo!

3. Etan Thomas – Ugh. He is so greasy, my keyboard got oily just typing his name. Those hideous dreadlocks make him look like a feminine version of Sheryl Swoopes. Seriously, he would average at least 4 more points and 2 more boards a game if he wasn’t using all that energy to lug that hair around. The greasiness that is his hair is a direct result of a lack of shampooing and profusely sweating night in and night out for half the year. I also hear Etan fancies himself a poet of sorts, even publishing a book called “More Than an Athlete: Poems by Etan Thomas”. This might explain why he hasn’t improved his game on the floor in the past 6 years. Anyways, this one is easy. The location: an open mic night at some artsy fartsy bookstore like Politics and Prose or Olsson’s in Dupont Circle (if you’re not familiar with this area of DC, let’s just say Hardaway is not a fan). The scene: Etan comes to the mic wearing a wool turtleneck sweater that was around during the Nixon Administration and probably hasn’t been washed since then and skin-tight bell bottom pants with his hair up in a bun. The disctinctive scent and smoke of cloves and the sticky-icky permeates the dimly lit room and hipsters of all sort are lounging around, waiting to hear what angst and bile spews forth from this unusually tall poet’s mouth. Etan steps to the mike:

Ahem…Milk, Milk, Lemonade
Turn the corner, Fud……Hello?
Is this on?

2. Jorge Garbajosa – Obviously, the top two spots on this list are occupied by foreign players. This Borat look-alike just oozes grease from his pores. He can easily be spotted in the off-season in euro-trash clubs all over Europe, wearing the latest Euro-tight turtleneck with short sleeves and mad gumby gold all over, grinding up behind women and seeing if they want sexy time with Jorge. I hear he pees his shorts before every game so both his shorts and shirt stink to high heaven and nobody will want to D up on him. Not really.

1. Fabricio Oberto – Greasy, thy name is Fabricio. Wow. Just look at those pictures. To say he is greasy is like saying Rosie O’Donnell likes the occasional rump roast. Nappy hair with the mullet highlights? Check. 10 day stubble with all kinds of dirt trapped in the whiskers? Check. Creepy, smoldering glare that looks like he is trying to undress you with his eyes (both men and women)? Check. Stench emanating from all crevices of his body due to an allergy of showers? I’m assuming check. This guy gets his grooming accessories from the bottom of the French Fry pit at McDonalds. I really can’t classify his greasiness since it encompasses such a wide spectrum, but I can see him fitting in easily in any of the scenarios above.

There you have it folks, the greasiest players in this year’s NBA draft. Remember them and their contributions to advancing the greasy cause.

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Joe Thomas' Aunt

I just found this pic on's draft blog. You don't see too many geriatrics out there with mohawks. She should fit in nicely with the Dawg Pound. Those are awesome earrings!

Andruzzi Released

I like walks on the beach, puppies ...

Just read on that the Browns have released Joe Andruzzi. While I don't know if releasing another live body on the line is necessarily a good idea, it is obvious that he never lived up to the team's expectations in the 2 years he was here. This means both of our starting guards from last year are no longer with the team. I always liked the way Andruzzi came across as a down to earth, blue-collar guy, but that doesn't do us any good when he is a sieve on the line. It has also been reported that Kevin Shaffer has asked to be traded, but I doubt the Browns will do that unless they can get a capable starting guard in return. A below average tackle for a starting caliber guard? Not likely, unless Miami or Oakland are in the mix.