Tuesday, July 17, 2007

The Fruitiest Cars Ever Made

Since absolutely nothing is going on in the world of sports right now (except baseball), I figured I would do another list that's been running through my head for quite some time: Fruity cars. There's a ton of them out there and every time I see one I think to myself, "What exactly is the thought process that leads to someone purchasing this car?" I dont want to hear the argument that finances has anything to do with it. For every Dodge Neon, there's a perfectly fine Toyota Corolla or Honda Civic that you can purchase in its place. I honestly don't know what the reasoning is, but in any case, it provides me a brief amount of enjoyment to see a dude cruising through his neighborhood in any one of the ones I'm going to mention below. Here it goes:

9. Scion xB - Still not quite sure what Toyota's designers were thinking with this one...it's basically a box with wheels. A fruity box with wheels. I know you can customize it Gand add all kinds of neat trinkets, graphics and gadgets, but at the end of the day, it's still a box with wheels plus trinkets, graphics and gadgets. Special mention goes to Honda for their Element, that is basically a box with wheels designed to go camping as well.

8. Audi TT - This thing looks like an ovary with wheels.

7. Geo (Chevy) Tracker - I want to go off-roading. I want to hit the dirt trails blazing with a 4WD that doesn't take crap from the road. I want a tough vehicle that tells the road "Who's you're daddy?" I also want to take the top down and feel the cool breeze blowing in my face and all around me as I conquer the unpaved wilderness foot by foot. What am I going to choose? Definitely not a Geo Tracker. If it was possible for a car to talk, this one would scream "estrogen".

6. Hyundai Tiburon - the designers at Hyundai were thinking that making a car look like a bananna with wheels would attract the heavily coveted driving monkey segment of the population. I put this one on my list because a friend of mine drives this one and we agreed it should be on here.

5. Chrysler PT Cruiser - originally when this came out, everyone thought this was a throwback car to the 40's and was a fun and silly little vehicle. I even remember my dad saying that he liked the design because it reminded him of cars from his childhood. Not anymore. This car has so many effeminate connotations that should only make it in purple and sell it in Lakewood, Pittsburgh, and San Francisco. It looks like a fruity thation wagon with curveth. A special kick in the crotch goes out to Chevy for making the copycat in the HHR even after knowing that its design was on a destination to fruitcake city.

4. Mazda Miata - I've heard the argument time and time again that it's a fun little driving machine that handles like a dream and is fun for both men and women and blah blah blah. This thing is girly as girly gets. The Miata is like a go-cart that has been injected with mommy parts.

3. Dodge Neon - If that isn't the girliest name for a car outside of "Plymouth Breeze", I don't know what is. I know a lot of kids like to soup this car up so it looks a little less girly, but it's like putting lipstick on a pig. At the end of the day, your call is still called a "Dodge Neon".

2. Hummer H2 - Let me ask you this? How many total bada$$es do you actually see driving a car like this? None? One? That's about right. This car is usually driven by soccer moms or guys who have something to prove (you know what the say about guys with big cars). I think the average height of H2 drivers is around 4'8".

and the number one girliest car is......................

1. Volkswagen Beetle - This was way too easy. Not a single straight line on the entire body of this car. This car is one big bundle of curves. The most stylish accessory for this ride is a flower in the cup holder. Let me repeat that: The most stylish accessory for this ride is a flower in the cup holder. There is no reason for a male to ever be driving this car at any time. Ever.

There it is folks. If I forgot any, please let me know. And if you drive any of these, I'm sorry. But not really.


gk said...

I think the Miata should be on the list twice.

Hornless Rhino said...

No love for the Honda Element?

Hornless Rhino said...

Oops, my bad. I see that you did give the Element a mention.

Hardaway Hates Pittsburgh said...

I did forget any and all hybrid cars

Anonymous said...

The Miata is a cool little Roadster that is financially in reach by the average Joe. I think Hardaway has too much time on his hands. I wonder what he drives.......could it be a car associated with gays. Why not?

Cole said...

Not all hybrids are ugly little elf shoes (like the Toyota Prius). There are many decent looking cars that you can get in hybrid form. Take for example, the 2008 Chevy Tahoe.

Cole said...

Don't forget the Toyota Yaris.

chumgrinder said...

Say what you like about the 96-98 2D Tracker (Suzuki Sidekick), but I've had mine for 12 years and it's still in perfect shape.

I'm 6'6" 360lb., and this car FITS ME in perfect comfort. (The next model year, Chevy ditched the 2D Suzuki and offered only the 4D native, planting an unwelcome pillar in tall drivers' shoulder joints, so sayonara Geo.)

I do drive it on outback desert trails, as well as haul work trailers with it. It's given me 26MPG for 12 years, and I hope to drive it 12 more.

And yeah, mine is purple, and I just built a matching trailer for it.

geo tracker parts said...

Juicy I should say.. Great collection you have here mate. But I would love to see Geo Tracker at the top..