Wednesday, May 9, 2007

Hardaway Hates Pittsburgh Exclusive: An interview with Joe Theismann

So Brady Quinn showed up to the Browns’ Rookie Camp on Friday with a new hairdo. Gone was the wavy, unkempt locks of the latest emo band and in its place was a regular old haircut. While this really isn’t news unless you have a subscription to Tiger Beat, this made headlines because of the reason for the new haircut. On Mike and Mike in the morning a few days before camp opened, Joe Theismann ripped into Brady Quinn because of his “unprofessional appearance” during the draft. This has created headlines (which is exactly what I’m sure Joe T. was hoping for) throughout the sports world. We here at Hardaway Hates Pittsburgh are proud to say we have scored an exclusive interview with the man himself. He agreed to do this interview with us in order to clear up any confusion or speculation over what was said last week. We sat down with him here in DC and the following is a transcript of our chat:

HHP: Joe, can I call you Joe? Thank you so much for taking the time out of your busy schedule to sit down with us so we can get some clarification on your comments last week.

Joe Theismann: Sure, no problem!

HHP: First question: What do you enjoy more, beating up the homeless or farting in church?

JT: That’s an easy one. Beating up the homel----Wait a second. Where did you say you were from again?

HHP: The New York Times. Where I’m from isn’t important, Joe. Clearing up your good name is and that’s what I’m here for. Just trying to keep it light and loosen up the tension. Relax! Okay, now on to the serious stuff. When you made those comments last week, what were you hoping to come across as? An attention-hungry publicity whore or a cranky old fart?

JT: Neither. I was just stating my opinion that being invited to the draft is serious business and an honor, and should be treated as such.

HHP: So you feel your comments were warranted, even after taking into account that Brady had to sit in the Green Room for over 4 ½ hours and maybe that tie was getting a little too tight considering the embarrassment of not going anywhere near where he was projected to go?

JT: Absolutely. If you had to wait for an interview for 4 ½ hours, you wouldn’t loosen your tie.

HHP: Did it ever occur to you that maybe his hairstyle is what is popular with the kids today and might even be considered an homage to the awful hairstyles that were around in the 70s? I’ve seen some of your hairdos from that time, and Lord knows, you really don’t have a lot of room to talk. Also, it’s a known fact that anyone who perpetuated or partook in any type of fashion statement from the 70’s is not allowed to make any fashion judgements again for the rest of their life.

JT: No it’s not. The 70’s was a great time to be alive and lot of experimentation in all facets of life was going on, including the fashion wor—

HHP: Can you remember another instance of a highly regarded prospect, both in terms of ability and character, being ripped by an alumnus and former player of his own school? Aren’t you supposed to show solidarity and support to those responsible for representing your program, especially since the recent run of Notre Dame quarterbacks in the NFL has been, to put it nicely, piss poor? I mean, Keyshawn Johnson, likable guy that he is, handled the Panthers’ drafting of his replacement, from his own school no less, with more class than the comments you made.

JT: uhhh..

HHP: Moving on, Joe Montana has gone on the record to say that you are a disgrace to every Notre Dame Quarterback who has ever put on the Golden Dome and your mother should have had her tubes tied well before you were born. What do you have to say in response?

JT: Joe Montana didn’t say that. Where did you get that???

HHP: It’s on the records. Check it out for yourself. What Joe Montana did or didn’t say is not relevant to this interview. What is relevant is that the sports world wants to know, do you unequivocally stand by your statements and have no regrets making them?

JT: Yes.

HHP: Boxers or Briefs?

JT: What?? Uh, depends…

HHP: That sounds about right. Joe, you’ve been known to make some pretty interesting comments during your broadcasting career. I wanted to bring out a few of them and get some feedback from you as far as what was going through your head while making them, okay?

JT: Okay.

HHP: First up: In 1996, you stated during a Sunday Night Football telecast that, “The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein”. Did you notify Norman beforehand that you were going to be using him as an example of a genius?

JT: What are you talking about? Norman Einstein was a scientist during the 30’s and 40’s and has been dead for over 60 years!

HHP: Sorry, my mistake. On a side note, is Norman in any way related to Albert?

JT: Not that I’m aware of. What does that have to do with this interview?

HHP: Nothing, nothing at all. I have a few more comments from this last season of Monday Night Football that I’d like to go over with you. In regards to Brett Favre, you stated, “You are not allowed to go away yet. We want you. We need you.”* Were you on your wife’s cycle when you made this statement? Also, do Brett Favre’s lips taste like a sweet summer’s day?

JT: Where did you say you were from again?

HHP: Better Homes and Gardens. You also made this quote during last season, ”This is a home game. This is where you finally get to play at home”. * Did you ride the short bus when you were growing up?

JT: What is that supposed to mean?

HHP: Just an expression, that’s all…You were recently fired from Monday Night Football. Did this have any bearing in your decision to make those statements about Brady? Were you hoping to get some publicity for other possible openings out there? Also, does it bother you that Jared, the tool from Subway, is getting more interaction with athletes than you currently are?

JT: No.

HHP: True or False: The DC sports media treats you like their drunk uncle. They desperately want to like you, but you do so many things to embarrass yourself that they have to make fun of you behind your back.

JT: False. Everyone likes me.

HHP: Do you have AIDS?

JT: No.

HHP: Are you positive?

JT: Yes.

HHP: hee hee…You have publicly stated that Ron Jaworski looks like a cross between a walrus and Chunk from “The Goonies”. Does it bother you that they selected his mug to replace you on Monday Night Football? Also, did the fact that he actually studies game film to formulate an opinion have any bearing on ESPN’s decision to replace you with him?

JT: I have never said that about Ron. He and I are good friends and I review plenty of game film beforehand.

HHP: Right. Aside from yourself, who is the worst former-athlete turned broadcaster? Sean Salisbury? OJ Simpson?

JT: Number one, I am definitely not the worst. Number two, there are no bad ones, each has their own unique style and skill set.

HHP: Where are you more likely to get a better meal, Chi-Chi’s or Joe Theismann’s?

JT: I’m not familiar with Chi-Chi’s, but at Joe Theismann’s, you can get a great meal at an affordable price any day of the week!

HHP: I’ve been to your restaurant, Joe. Let’s not kid ourselves. As a favor to you, we thought we’d give you the opportunity for an on-air audition for a play-by-play gig. We will give you a play from a past game to call, and we’ll record it and send it out to the stations looking to fill any open positions. What do you think?

JT: Sounds great! What play will I be calling?

HHP: Here it is: A Monday Night Football Game on national TV. It’s going to be a pass play and for the audition’s sake, we’ll call the quarterback “Slow Not-so-wiseman”. He’s dropping back to pass and the coverage around him is breaking down. All of a sudden a hard-hitting linebacker, we’ll call him “Lawrence Taylor”…

JT: This interview is over.

*Thanks to JoeSportsFan for the quotes

1 comment:

Dwayne Rudd said...

Somewhere "on the internet" I read that Joe Theismann really did know a Norman Einstein, and that he was Joe's High School class valedictorian, and that SI even did some investigating to confirm Norman's existence. So Joe, while still an idiot, is an idiot in a different way than most people think.