That was sick

Just got done watching this Double OT thriller that Lebron just took into his own hands. He was playing with a will and drive that I have never, ever ever ever seen from a Cleveland sports figure. That was freakin awesome. Thank you Lebron for making me proud to say I'm a Cavs fan. Detroit played equally well and Chauncey Billups is straight gangsta when it comes to taking big shots. More on this later.

Mike Brown showed me his Boobie and I liked them too!

Wow, my lack of posts lately has been unacceptable. What can I say besides the fact that having a real job is not so much fun. Anyways, I have been thoroughly enjoying this last week. Sweeping the Tigers and taking 2 straight from the Pistons? No offense Detroit, but when was the last time Cleveland could say they owned another city, if even for a weekend?

Never? That sounds about right.

Boobie, you say? How does one get this nickname?

The Cavs have completely outplayed the Pistons in all 4 games and this should have been over or at least 3-1 right now. I know it and Detroit knows it. Anyways, nothing has been more encouraging (besides Lebron's deciding to start caring again) than the emergence of one Daniel "Boobie" Gibson. This guy is doing what we've been harping on Larry Hughes for not doing time and time again: TAKING IT TO THE HOLE. He is playing much bigger than his 6' frame is reflecting. How hard is it to think "drive first, shoot second"? Maybe it is his youth and naivete that is letting him play free of any hesitancy, but whatever it is, he needs to explain to Larry that this is how it's done. This may be a moot point now that Larry is in all likelihood, out for the rest of the series, but I seriously can't wait to turn the TV on tonight and then off for the third quarter, and then back on again.



On a side note, I was able to ask Rasheed Wallace after game 3 how Lebron's armpit tasted. He let me know that the hairs were a little wiry, but the sweat and Right Guard gave them a very nice and light taste, almost like a refreshing spritzer sprinkled over angel hair pasta. It was nice to see him finally lose it in game 4 and pout like the ugly, skilled and rangy baby he is. I was almost expecting Scut Farkus to run onto the court and ask him if he was going to cry. Anyways, it's nice to see that Chauncey Billups and Richard Hamilton realize that I hate them and that they are doing their best to make sure we win.

Conference Runners Up, Here We Come!!!!

nothing funny about this picture...at all.

Well, well, well…look’s who’s in the conference Finals. After some of the most unimpressive playoff basketball I can remember seeing in recent history, the Cavs managed to not suck nearly as bad as the Nets and are standing in front of the beast of the East once again, the Detroit Pistons. I hate the Pistons. I hate the fact that their best player has a name from the 1920’s (Chauncey Billups), I hate the fact that Rasheed Wallace has a skunk patch and that he is going to complain like he just found out that smoking weed is illegal, I hate the fact that a member of the Fab Five is now playing for them and he’s still pretty good, I hate the fact that Detroit is just as ugly, if not uglier, a city than Pittsburgh, I hate the fact that Tayshaun Prince looks like Gollum’s and Morgan Freeman’s love child, I hate the fact that Rip Hamilton looks like a Junior Varsity d-bag and has a silky smooth jumper, I hate the fact that Carlos Arroyo is Carlos Arroyo and I hate the fact that we are probably going to lose.

The parallels between Lebron James and Michael Jordan are eerily similar in this aspect, both will probably have to lose to a bunch of a-hats from Detroit before achieving any further success in the playoffs. I have no idea why I have such a fatalistic attitude with the Cavs, but it’s easy to pinpoint why with the Indians. They have a good team, a potentially really good team, but I’ve seen this show before and I liked it better when the actors had names like Albert Belle, Jim Thome, Manny Ramirez and Carlos Obed Baerga. This team is going to tantalize with good play when it really doesn’t matter and will choke when it comes to crunch time, mark my words.


I waited 5 hours in line for his autograph

Some of my best memories in regards to Cleveland sports were when I was in college and high school and going to the Jake on a warm summer’s night when it was the place to be. It was great seeing people in downtown Cleveland past 5 pm and actually enjoying themselves outside of the Flats. People actually wanted to be there and a ticket was hard to come by. Hanging around Homerun Porch with a cold beverage in your hand, BS’ing with some dude from Wickliffe that under the normal circumstances, I would have mocked mercilessly, about anything and everything Tribe related…it didn’t get any better than that. I remember the excitement of hearing a friend’s dad had a last minute meeting or obligation and those season tickets were now available. Or a cop that I am very good friends with would have us come downtown without tickets, walk around for a while, and bust the very first opposing team’s fans that were drinking outside of the stadium and give us their tickets (the same went for Browns’ games – nothing better than a yinzer spitting up his Iron City all over his Zubaz pants as he realizes he just got screwed ten ways from Tuesday and the only way out of getting arrested was to give a Browns’ fan his tickets – beautiful). Anyways, I feel like Randy Quaid in Major League II. I won’t be convinced we are going to win anything until those final seconds tick off the clock in the deciding game we are winning. Basically, I will never be convinced. The Browns on the other hand, are a different story. They can have a good draft and I’m ready to put RAC’s moobs on my head if I think it will give us a chance to go .500. Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, the Cavs are in the finals. Sweet! Here’s my prediction: Rasheed Wallace is ugly. Prediction #2: I think the Pistons will take this in 6.


ewwwwwwwww.....

Do we have to say they are part of Ohio?

equals

If a certain geographic area has more in common with its surrounding states (ie spousal abuse and drunk driving) is it okay to say they are not part of your state? Here is another Bengal's arrest article . It'd be funny if spousal abuse was a laughing matter.

San Francisco = Pittsburgh West

To the yinzers who contacted their boyfriends and let them know I was in San Francisco:

Do you think that breaking into my rental car and stealing my laptop will stop me from exposing the truth about your backwater city and breeding habits? I will not be silenced!!!!!

Sorry for the lack of recent posts, but my computer was stolen while I was on the West Coast for business. I hope to start posting again regularly, so fear not my loyal readers (who number in the 9s). I have tons of stupid ideas for even stupider articles that I'm sure no one will care about.

On a side note, Cavs basketball, it's craptastic!!!!!

Steeler busted for running a prositution ring

Deadspin.com just posted this nice little story out of Pittsburgh. A Steeler running an underage prostitution ring? Is anyone suprised by this? My only questions are the following: Where was he going to find customers willing to pay to sleep with their cousins? Can you be called a "pimp" if all you have are gigolos in your stable? This also explains why he haven't seen or heard from Kordell Stewart for a while.

Hardaway Hates Pittsburgh Exclusive: An interview with Joe Theismann

So Brady Quinn showed up to the Browns’ Rookie Camp on Friday with a new hairdo. Gone was the wavy, unkempt locks of the latest emo band and in its place was a regular old haircut. While this really isn’t news unless you have a subscription to Tiger Beat, this made headlines because of the reason for the new haircut. On Mike and Mike in the morning a few days before camp opened, Joe Theismann ripped into Brady Quinn because of his “unprofessional appearance” during the draft. This has created headlines (which is exactly what I’m sure Joe T. was hoping for) throughout the sports world. We here at Hardaway Hates Pittsburgh are proud to say we have scored an exclusive interview with the man himself. He agreed to do this interview with us in order to clear up any confusion or speculation over what was said last week. We sat down with him here in DC and the following is a transcript of our chat:

HHP: Joe, can I call you Joe? Thank you so much for taking the time out of your busy schedule to sit down with us so we can get some clarification on your comments last week.

Joe Theismann: Sure, no problem!

HHP: First question: What do you enjoy more, beating up the homeless or farting in church?

JT: That’s an easy one. Beating up the homel----Wait a second. Where did you say you were from again?

HHP: The New York Times. Where I’m from isn’t important, Joe. Clearing up your good name is and that’s what I’m here for. Just trying to keep it light and loosen up the tension. Relax! Okay, now on to the serious stuff. When you made those comments last week, what were you hoping to come across as? An attention-hungry publicity whore or a cranky old fart?

JT: Neither. I was just stating my opinion that being invited to the draft is serious business and an honor, and should be treated as such.

HHP: So you feel your comments were warranted, even after taking into account that Brady had to sit in the Green Room for over 4 ½ hours and maybe that tie was getting a little too tight considering the embarrassment of not going anywhere near where he was projected to go?

JT: Absolutely. If you had to wait for an interview for 4 ½ hours, you wouldn’t loosen your tie.

HHP: Did it ever occur to you that maybe his hairstyle is what is popular with the kids today and might even be considered an homage to the awful hairstyles that were around in the 70s? I’ve seen some of your hairdos from that time, and Lord knows, you really don’t have a lot of room to talk. Also, it’s a known fact that anyone who perpetuated or partook in any type of fashion statement from the 70’s is not allowed to make any fashion judgements again for the rest of their life.

JT: No it’s not. The 70’s was a great time to be alive and lot of experimentation in all facets of life was going on, including the fashion wor—

HHP: Can you remember another instance of a highly regarded prospect, both in terms of ability and character, being ripped by an alumnus and former player of his own school? Aren’t you supposed to show solidarity and support to those responsible for representing your program, especially since the recent run of Notre Dame quarterbacks in the NFL has been, to put it nicely, piss poor? I mean, Keyshawn Johnson, likable guy that he is, handled the Panthers’ drafting of his replacement, from his own school no less, with more class than the comments you made.

JT: uhhh..

HHP: Moving on, Joe Montana has gone on the record to say that you are a disgrace to every Notre Dame Quarterback who has ever put on the Golden Dome and your mother should have had her tubes tied well before you were born. What do you have to say in response?

JT: Joe Montana didn’t say that. Where did you get that???

HHP: It’s on the records. Check it out for yourself. What Joe Montana did or didn’t say is not relevant to this interview. What is relevant is that the sports world wants to know, do you unequivocally stand by your statements and have no regrets making them?

JT: Yes.

HHP: Boxers or Briefs?

JT: What?? Uh, depends…

HHP: That sounds about right. Joe, you’ve been known to make some pretty interesting comments during your broadcasting career. I wanted to bring out a few of them and get some feedback from you as far as what was going through your head while making them, okay?

JT: Okay.

HHP: First up: In 1996, you stated during a Sunday Night Football telecast that, “The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein”. Did you notify Norman beforehand that you were going to be using him as an example of a genius?

JT: What are you talking about? Norman Einstein was a scientist during the 30’s and 40’s and has been dead for over 60 years!

HHP: Sorry, my mistake. On a side note, is Norman in any way related to Albert?

JT: Not that I’m aware of. What does that have to do with this interview?

HHP: Nothing, nothing at all. I have a few more comments from this last season of Monday Night Football that I’d like to go over with you. In regards to Brett Favre, you stated, “You are not allowed to go away yet. We want you. We need you.”* Were you on your wife’s cycle when you made this statement? Also, do Brett Favre’s lips taste like a sweet summer’s day?

JT: Where did you say you were from again?

HHP: Better Homes and Gardens. You also made this quote during last season, ”This is a home game. This is where you finally get to play at home”. * Did you ride the short bus when you were growing up?

JT: What is that supposed to mean?

HHP: Just an expression, that’s all…You were recently fired from Monday Night Football. Did this have any bearing in your decision to make those statements about Brady? Were you hoping to get some publicity for other possible openings out there? Also, does it bother you that Jared, the tool from Subway, is getting more interaction with athletes than you currently are?

JT: No.

HHP: True or False: The DC sports media treats you like their drunk uncle. They desperately want to like you, but you do so many things to embarrass yourself that they have to make fun of you behind your back.

JT: False. Everyone likes me.

HHP: Do you have AIDS?

JT: No.

HHP: Are you positive?

JT: Yes.

HHP: hee hee…You have publicly stated that Ron Jaworski looks like a cross between a walrus and Chunk from “The Goonies”. Does it bother you that they selected his mug to replace you on Monday Night Football? Also, did the fact that he actually studies game film to formulate an opinion have any bearing on ESPN’s decision to replace you with him?

JT: I have never said that about Ron. He and I are good friends and I review plenty of game film beforehand.

HHP: Right. Aside from yourself, who is the worst former-athlete turned broadcaster? Sean Salisbury? OJ Simpson?

JT: Number one, I am definitely not the worst. Number two, there are no bad ones, each has their own unique style and skill set.

HHP: Where are you more likely to get a better meal, Chi-Chi’s or Joe Theismann’s?

JT: I’m not familiar with Chi-Chi’s, but at Joe Theismann’s, you can get a great meal at an affordable price any day of the week!

HHP: I’ve been to your restaurant, Joe. Let’s not kid ourselves. As a favor to you, we thought we’d give you the opportunity for an on-air audition for a play-by-play gig. We will give you a play from a past game to call, and we’ll record it and send it out to the stations looking to fill any open positions. What do you think?

JT: Sounds great! What play will I be calling?

HHP: Here it is: A Monday Night Football Game on national TV. It’s going to be a pass play and for the audition’s sake, we’ll call the quarterback “Slow Not-so-wiseman”. He’s dropping back to pass and the coverage around him is breaking down. All of a sudden a hard-hitting linebacker, we’ll call him “Lawrence Taylor”…

JT: This interview is over.




*Thanks to JoeSportsFan for the quotes

The 5 Greasiest Players in this Year's Playoffs

Well, the good news for Cavs’ fans is that we swept a Washington Wizards team that was down its two best players. Is anybody excited yet? I think this might have been the most unimpressive sweep I have ever seen. As I stated before, I don’t think we are a championship caliber team yet. I don’t know what it is, but I definitely can’t put my finger on it. Call me jaded, but I need to see them absolutely demolish the Nets (I'm assuming they win) before I can really get into this year’s playoffs. With that being said, I thought my next article should be one that required a great deal of in-depth analysis and research:

The 5 greasiest players in this year’s NBA playoffs:

Even though these guys are earning millions of dollars, they still come across as greasy. Each one is unique in his own special way, but greasy nonetheless. I’ve ranked them in terms of greasiness and also where I can see these guys being greasy if they weren’t in the NBA. As always, if I forgot someone who is extra greasy, please add them to the comments list.

5. Steve Nash – He just comes across as looking as if he just stepped out of a sauna or spent all night clubbing. He looked even greasier last year when his hair was long, but make no mistake, the haircut only covers up a little bit of the greasiness since it appears to always be matted down. I picture him as a high-powered aerobics or spinning instructor shouting out words of encouragement to a group of over-weight, middle-aged yentas and wearing super tight spandex shorts and a tight Under Armour top with a hip pack around his waist with two water bottles attached to it.

4. Anderson Varejao – I know he is a hometown favorite and I love the guy as a player, but if you’ll take off your wine and gold colored glasses for a second, you’ll see he is greasy. He would be perfect as a stunt double in that Soul-Glo commercial. Can’t you see him with his head down, spraying activator all over his fro/ pube-wig and then whipping his head back and forth as he looks up and winks at the camera? Just let your soooouuuullllllll glo!

3. Etan Thomas – Ugh. He is so greasy, my keyboard got oily just typing his name. Those hideous dreadlocks make him look like a feminine version of Sheryl Swoopes. Seriously, he would average at least 4 more points and 2 more boards a game if he wasn’t using all that energy to lug that hair around. The greasiness that is his hair is a direct result of a lack of shampooing and profusely sweating night in and night out for half the year. I also hear Etan fancies himself a poet of sorts, even publishing a book called “More Than an Athlete: Poems by Etan Thomas”. This might explain why he hasn’t improved his game on the floor in the past 6 years. Anyways, this one is easy. The location: an open mic night at some artsy fartsy bookstore like Politics and Prose or Olsson’s in Dupont Circle (if you’re not familiar with this area of DC, let’s just say Hardaway is not a fan). The scene: Etan comes to the mic wearing a wool turtleneck sweater that was around during the Nixon Administration and probably hasn’t been washed since then and skin-tight bell bottom pants with his hair up in a bun. The disctinctive scent and smoke of cloves and the sticky-icky permeates the dimly lit room and hipsters of all sort are lounging around, waiting to hear what angst and bile spews forth from this unusually tall poet’s mouth. Etan steps to the mike:

Ahem…Milk, Milk, Lemonade
Turn the corner, Fud……Hello?
Is this on?

2. Jorge Garbajosa – Obviously, the top two spots on this list are occupied by foreign players. This Borat look-alike just oozes grease from his pores. He can easily be spotted in the off-season in euro-trash clubs all over Europe, wearing the latest Euro-tight turtleneck with short sleeves and mad gumby gold all over, grinding up behind women and seeing if they want sexy time with Jorge. I hear he pees his shorts before every game so both his shorts and shirt stink to high heaven and nobody will want to D up on him. Not really.

1. Fabricio Oberto – Greasy, thy name is Fabricio. Wow. Just look at those pictures. To say he is greasy is like saying Rosie O’Donnell likes the occasional rump roast. Nappy hair with the mullet highlights? Check. 10 day stubble with all kinds of dirt trapped in the whiskers? Check. Creepy, smoldering glare that looks like he is trying to undress you with his eyes (both men and women)? Check. Stench emanating from all crevices of his body due to an allergy of showers? I’m assuming check. This guy gets his grooming accessories from the bottom of the French Fry pit at McDonalds. I really can’t classify his greasiness since it encompasses such a wide spectrum, but I can see him fitting in easily in any of the scenarios above.

There you have it folks, the greasiest players in this year’s NBA draft. Remember them and their contributions to advancing the greasy cause.

Joe Thomas' Aunt

I just found this pic on ESPN.com's draft blog. You don't see too many geriatrics out there with mohawks. She should fit in nicely with the Dawg Pound. Those are awesome earrings!

Andruzzi Released

I like walks on the beach, puppies ...

Just read on ESPN.com that the Browns have released Joe Andruzzi. While I don't know if releasing another live body on the line is necessarily a good idea, it is obvious that he never lived up to the team's expectations in the 2 years he was here. This means both of our starting guards from last year are no longer with the team. I always liked the way Andruzzi came across as a down to earth, blue-collar guy, but that doesn't do us any good when he is a sieve on the line. It has also been reported that Kevin Shaffer has asked to be traded, but I doubt the Browns will do that unless they can get a capable starting guard in return. A below average tackle for a starting caliber guard? Not likely, unless Miami or Oakland are in the mix.

Draft Recap and predictions for the upcoming season

Now that this year’s draft is over, here’s a brief overview of our draft picks and some very early pre-season predictions on what to expect next year. Like every other Browns’ fan, I was giddy like a school girl Saturday night and am glad we addressed areas of need the second day. I can’t remember the last time I was this excited to be a Browns’ fan. The moves made by that team yesterday could not have been the Browns. Draft days like that aren’t supposed to happen to us. We got pretty much everything we wanted and then some. On the flip side, could this just be a way of fate setting us up for an even bigger kick in the groin in the upcoming years? Only time will tell, but for now, I’m happy.

Round 1

Joe Thomas – I wanted to take Peterson, but I can’t really argue or second-guess this pick. This guy seems like everything you would want in an cornerstone left tackle. He’s agile, a great technician and aggressive. The Browns did a great job of smoke screening this pick.

Welcome to Cleveland!




Brady Quinn – This was the defining move of the entire 2007 draft. Everyone who is on Quinn’s bandwagon points to a stat out there that shows that college QBs with more than 40 career starts have an extremely high success rate in the NFL (Peyton Manning, Carson Palmer and others) vs QBs with only one or two years of starting experience. The Browns addressed two huge areas of need with possibly the two best players at their respective positions.










Round 2

Eric Wright – We traded a lot of picks to get this guy, so he better pan out. Everyone is saying he has 1st round talent, but those character issues are still there. If he does pan out, Phil just got 3 starters with 3 picks. I don’t know if I buy the whole “I went to Vegas to prove I could stay out of trouble for 2 years” line he is throwing out. I think it should be more along the lines of “when you have a date rape charge on your rap sheet, only a Mountain West Team will look at you”.







Long pause…

Round 5

Brandon McDonald – This CB out of Memphis is described as a versatile player who can return punts and play all of the defensive backfield positions. The NFL Network’s downside on him is that he doesn’t tackle well in the open field…just what we needed!









Round 6

Melila Purcell – This DE out of Hawaii is a project in the truest sense of the word. He has a high motor, great wingspan and tremendous upside. Did I miss any other idiotic draft day adjectives?

















Round 7

Syndric Steptoe – This WR out of Arizona will poop his pants if he makes the team. He can return kicks, though.







Pre-Season predictions

Now, as is common with all Browns fans, we have sky-high projections and expectations as to what will happen in the coming season based on what we’ve accomplished in the off-season. I’m here to tell you to CALM DOWN. We still have a ways to go and none of these moves guarantee instant success. Let’s be real with our expectations and we must still have patience. With that being said, here are some preliminary predictions and a break-down of our schedule with what I feel will be the final scores for each of these games.

September 9
PITTSBURGH STEELERS
W, 42-0
Quinn throws for 450 yds in debut



September 16
CINCINNATI BENGALS
W, 56-7
Only Bengals TD is a fumble return



September 23
at Oakland Raiders
W,63-2
Quinn: 420yds, Russell: -8yds



September 30
BALTIMORE RAVENS
W, 35-3
Matt Stover holds off shutout, Brian Billick acts smug



October 7
at New England Patriots
W, 28-7
Belichick finally apologizes to Cleveland for sucking



October 14
MIAMI DOLPHINS
W, 73-6
Cleo Lemon throws 5 INTs



BYE WEEK
W, 24-0

October 28
at St. Louis Rams
W, 45-0
Jim Everett throws 2 INTs



November 4
SEATTLE SEAHAWKS
W, 35-9
Quinn throws 8 TDs



November 11
at Pittsburgh Steelers
W, 77-14
Hines Ward plays up his Korean roots even more by eating KimChee after a TD





November 18
at Baltimore Ravens
W, 56-8
Jamal Lewis rushes for 312 yds



November 25
HOUSTON TEXANS
W, 35-14
Dave Zastudil punts for first time this season



December 2
at Arizona Cardinals
L, 21-22
Defense is left at home by accident



December 9
at New York Jets
W, 54-12
Eric Mangini eats Phil Dawson



December 16
BUFFALO BILLS
W, 49-16
What’s funny about Buffalo? Nothing.



December 23
at Cincinnati Bengals
W, 56-7
Chris Henry drinks a fifth for their season



December 30
SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS
W, 42-10
Brady feels a little too comfortable out on the town

I think the scores above are perfectly reasonable to expect in light of the happenings of this past weekend. I know we won’t win them all, but I think the above results are pretty realistic. I may even keep track of my scores and predictions during the season so I can rub it in your face when I turn out to be right. All of you pie-in-the-sky Brown’s fans need to come back down to earth and realize we won’t win them all.

Here are some other predictions for this season:

SUPERBOWL XLII result: Browns over Carolina, 37-21

When Joe Thomas’ and Brady Quinn’s sweat mix on a towel, the cure for AIDS is accidentally discovered. Phil Savage wins the Nobel Prize for bringing them together. Savage states that this day is the day that “turned the world around”.

Charlie’s Fryes change their names to Brady’s Quinns and come to games dressed like this:

The Super Bowl win will start a run of 5 more consecutive Superbowl trips and wins, giving Cleveland one for the thumb and another to shove right up Pittsburgh’s pooper.

Charlie Frye loses his life-long battle with the English language.

Kellen Winslow, Joe Jurevicius and Braylon Edwards become the first trio of teammates in NFL history to each catch 100 passes.

Pittsburgh Steelers finally realize that their logo of a ketchup bottle is about as retarded as you can get and change it to a tampon.

Romeo Crennel goes shirtless for the Seahawks game.

Please let me know if you have any predictions of your own in the comments section.

Did that just happen?

I love this man, but not in a Pittsburgh kind of way

I think it's safe to say we won our Super Bowl this year. Mr. Savage, thank you for showing the intestinal fortitude to pull the trigger. If Quinn really did have top 5 potential, this could be the draft that turns us around (but I'll believe it when I see it).

Update: Phil just traded our 3rd, 4th and 6th round pick for Dallas' 2nd round pick and took Eric Wright, a CB out of UNLV (wasn't that Eazy-E's real name?). Everyone seems to think he has first round potential and is a shut-down corner, but I don't know about those character issues. Drug and date rape charges? Thank God the Flats are a ghost town. Savage is still pissing excellence as far as I'm concerned

Did the Browns do something smart?

I can't believe they went with the safe and smart pick instead of the all flash, no cash pick. I seriously don't believe this. I tip my cap to Phil Savage...he practices what he preaches. Welcome to the Dawg Pound Joe! Oh yeah, that poem the NFL Network recited by the hood rat after the pick was announced was just awful.

The Top 6 Music Acts to Come Out of Cleveland

Everyone’s got a draft preview on their sites, so if you want to view mine, it's at the bottom of the blog. It's a given that Cleveland is the Rock and Roll Capital of the Universe, but for my next non-sports related post, I thought I’d take a look at the best/most famous music groups/singers that have come out of Cleveland and rank them in terms of critical and commercial success. The criteria for a band or singer to be considered from Cleveland and ranked are as follows:

- either the entire band or person most associated with the band (usually the lead singer) has to have roots in Cleveland
- if not directly from the city of Cleveland, they have to be within the general vicinity (Akron, Canton, Kent, etc)

Other things things to consider on this list:

- rankings are not based on strictly commercial success, but may also include critical success or the impact on the genre they are based in
- if I personally hate them, then I can leave them off since it’s my list

As I stated before, this is all purely subjective and I’m sure I probably left someone or some group of note off of this list. If you can think of them, please feel free to add them to the comments.

6. Michael Stanley Band – Was a pioneering rocker that emerged from the early 70’s to dominate the charts and – just kidding, he sucks. Now on to the real countdown

6. Devo – formed in Akron, OH in 1972, Devo was a groundbreaking act that ushered in the New Wave scene in the late 70’s and early 80’s. They had experimented with all kinds of different music styles, including punk. They were formed by a group of Kent State Students who, according to Wikipedia, “were deeply affected by the Kent State shootings of 1970. Devo stands for “Devolution” which was probably a more profound statement as a band name than many of their song lyrics would indicate. They never achieved great commercial success, but are best known for their single “Whip It” and the subsequent music video, which received all kinds of air time on MTV. On stage, they are famous for their hazmat outfits and “energy domes”. They are on this list for influencing and ushering in a new music genre (whether you like New Wave or not is a whole different story). They had 3 Gold Albums and 1 Platinum Album for their career.

5. Filter – These guys were one of my favorite groups in college and high school and that was even before I found out I grew up right by the lead singer, Richard Patrick. Filter was an industrial rock act that was heavily influenced by Nine Inch Nails, which is apropos since Patrick was a guitarist for the group (I left off Nine Inch Nails since they are supposed to be a one-man band and Trent Reznor’s roots are in Who Cares, PA). Richard has a very distinct voice that can reach octaves few males should be allowed to reach. They’ve had 2 platinum albums and 2 gold albums as well as 7 singles chart on various billboard tables. They are most well known for 2 singles, “Hey Man, Nice Shot” and “Take a Picture”, which sounds nothing like their other music but is my personal favorite.

4. Gerald LeVert – This soul crooner and son of Eddie Levert (lead singer of the O’Jays) sang in two very successful R&B groups. LeVert, the group he formed with his brother Sean and friend Marc Gordon, and LSG, with fellow R&B superstars Johnny Gill and Keith Sweat (I actually bought this group’s CD). Between his solo career and 2 groups he produced over 10 Gold albums and 4 Platinum albums. My two favorite songs from his career are “My Body” with the group LSG and “Casanova” with the group LeVert. He was born in Cleveland and was living in Northeast Ohio when he passed away at the much too early age of 40 after an apparent heart attack from a lethal (and accidental) mix of prescription and over the counter pills.

3. The Pretenders – I’ll stand by them as my third choice (I can’t believe I just typed that and yes, I am laughing to myself). The founder and one constant member of this group is Chryssie Hynde who was born in Akron, attended Kent State and according to Wikipedia, “experimented with the hippie counterculture, psychotropic drugs, eastern mysticism, vegetarianism and of course, joining or starting a band”. She actually was in a band with Mark Mothersbaugh, who made this list as a member of Devo. She formed the Pretenders in the UK after bouncing around in the UK and France with failed bands as well with Mick Jones from The Clash. There have been two drug related departures by original members of the group, one after Chryssie kicked out and the second died from a drug overdose. They have been steadily recording since 1980 and had a long time in between hits. In the early 80’s they scored hit albums off of the singles “Brass in My Pocket” and “Back on the Chain Gang” and in 1994 had a hit with “I’ll Stand by You”. They have had 2 Platinum albums and 6 Gold Albums.

2. Scott Weiland – Although he was born in California, he spent much of his childhood in Chagrin Falls, so he gets to be on my list (lucky him). He was the frontman for one of the most popular bands of the Nineties and the genre of alternative rock: Stone Temple Pilots. They have had huge hits such as: “Interstate Love Song”, “Vasoline” and “Big Empty”. STP has always been derided by critics and loved by their fans, so I guess they are kind of like the Adam Sandler of Alt Rock. They also won the Grammy for Best New Artist in 1994. According to wikipedia, Stone Temple Pilots is not the original name of the band and you should check the site to find out what it originally was. Unfortunately for Scott, his drug use and run-ins with the law have made him almost as popular as being a singer has. When STP disbanded, Scott formed Velvet Revolver with a bunch of former Guns N Roses members and has had commercial success with them as well. Between the two groups, Scott has 7 Gold Albums and 5 Platinum Albums (with Core and Purple going 8 and 6 times over, respectively).

And my number one choice for a music group/artist to come from Cleveland is………..

1. Bone Thugs N Harmony – There really can’t be too much debate with this one. Regardless of what your opinion of Hippity Hop is, there is no denying the lasting impact these 4 rappers from the Streets of Cleveland (“it’s mandatory we leave you bleedin”) have had. They are easily the most commercially and critically successful music group to come from this city. To date, they have over 30 million albums sold (holy reefer, Batman!) and it looks like another big hit coming in Strength & Loyalty, due out next month. Among a few of their career highlights include:

- at the time, the highest and fastest selling single of all time with “Tha Crossroads”
- collaborations with both the Notorious BIG and 2Pac
- 2 Grammys and an AMA
-15 singles on the charts, including 5 #1s
-Platinum status for all their albums with multiple status for almost all of them

Not only did they achieve great commercial success, they also introduced a new style of rap that was more sing-song and rapid fire and incorporated melodies and harmonies (hence the name). They have also embraced the fact that they are from Cleveland and state it multiple times on many albums. I absolutely love the single “Cleveland Rocks” from the album Thug World Order.

There you have it folks. Some others that I did not include on this list but deserve honorable mention are: Macy Gray, Avant, the O’Jays and Marilyn Manson. Please let me know if I forgot anyone.

Cavs Recap and What's Missing?

Pinch a little harder...little more...oooooh, that's the ticket!

This game was again much closer than it needed to be. They let the Wizards hang around way too long in my opinion. It was nice to see Lebron go off when he felt like it and Drew Gooden nail 6 straight jumpers, but what was that semi-retarded dance he did afterwards? Yikes. I found out afterwards that he was “making it rain”. Drew, I hope that works out for you. Yes, I am grateful that we won and this might sound like I’m nitpicking, but I just don’t see a championship level team here yet. On paper, it seems like we pretty much have all the tools as of right now to make a run at the title

-Game-changing premier player? Check.
-Sidekick that, when healthy, can provide a very credible scoring alternative? Check.
-All-Star caliber center? Check.
-Power Forward that rebounds in bunches and is capable of going off on the offensive end on any given night? Check.
-High-energy sub that gives you an instant spark on the court and is dedicated to defense? Check.

-Token white guy that can shoot and create his own offense? Check.

-Deep bench with more than one three-point specialist? Check.

So what’s missing? After thinking about some of the previous dynasties and championship teams, I was able to find one ingredient that was common with a whole bunch of them that we definitely don’t have. A thug.

I'd take him if he had a good low post game

A down and dirty, intimidating SOB that will kick your grandma in the teeth if given the chance. Someone who makes up for whatever skill he lacks with a bad attitude and then some. Of course, it’s a plus if your thug has both skill and a bad attitude, but I’ll take one with just the latter if that’s all that’s available. The Pistons had Laimbeer. The Bulls had Rodman. The Spurs had Rodman. The Rockets had Otis Thorpe. The second go-round for the Pistons had the Wallace boys. The Lakers and Heat both had Shaq (who I think is an extremely skilled thug, or just a brute force of nature). The only recent champs I can think of that didn’t have a thug on their team is the second go-round for the Spurs, but when you have 3 All-Star caliber players, Bruce Bowen can fill in nicely. Are the Cavs soft? Does a yinzer’s family tree only have two branches? I don’t know what they can do to address this now, but I think that the intimidation factor is a vital piece missing from our roster. Here’s to hoping they can get past this anyways.

LJ to Cleveland?

I am watching the NFL Network as am I writing this and one of the players they said is up on the trading block is Larry Johnson and they stated that the Browns are one of the 3 or 4 suitors for his services. Imagine that. I seriously don't know what I'd do if that would happen. He seems like he's kind of a pompous blowhard, but I would welcome him to my team in a second (we even have an African American coach, not that it should even matter, but apparently it does for him). Getting one of the top 3 running backs in the league in his prime would require quite a bit, I'm sure. Aside from our 1st and 2nd round picks, what else do we have to bargain with? I will believe it when I see it. I can't remember if the NFL Network is still blacked out in Cleveland, but those tidbits make it worth watching as much as possible.

Who drafts worse, the Browns or Cavs?

One of the main reasons for failure that has been pounded in Cleveland’s collective head is the poor draft record of all our teams. I don’t disagree with this notion, but I wanted to do a breakdown between the Cavs and Browns over the last few years and determine who exactly has been the suckiest of this bunch of sucks. I am starting my analysis from 1986 until now and will only be looking at the first two picks for each team for each year (since we can’t go any further than that for the Cavs after ’89). Each pick will be awarded either a:

0 – total bust
1 – marginal player at best
2 – productive starter and/or backup
3 – superstar (needless to say, not many of these will be awarded)

I will also include a bonus point up through ’89 if any steals were found in the later rounds of that year. No drafts for the Cavs from 96-98 will be included since the Browns had some time off. Since this is all completely subjective, any and all second-guessing/scrutiny is welcome (unless you’re from Pittsburgh, in which case I’ll have to ask you to stop playing with this here computer, pick up your mop and get back to work).

1986

Browns:
Webster Slaughter – 2 (I know some people would consider him to be a superstar, but let’s be realistic)
Nick Miller – 0 (if I don’t know who he is and he only played one year for us, that’s a bust)

Cavs:
Brad Daugherty – 3
Ron Harper – 3

Total: Browns 2, Cavs 6 (they hit the motherload this year)

1987

Browns:
Mike Junkin – 0 (this pick screwed us for years to come, read it here at http://www.kidcleveland.blogspot.com/)
Gregg Rakoczy - 2

Cavs:
Kevin Johnson – 3
Kannard Johnson – 0 (when you play a total of 12 minutes for your career, it might be safe to say you are a bust)

Total: Browns 2, Cavs 4 – (I am giving the Cavs an extra bonus point for this year since they drafted Chris Dudley in Round 4)

1988

Browns:
Clifford Charlton – 0
Michael Dean Perry – 2

Cavs:
Randolph Keys – 1
Winston Bennett – 1

Total: Browns 2, Cavs 2

1989

Browns:
Eric Metcalf – 2
Lawyer Tillman - 1

Cavs:
John Morton – 0
Chucky Brown – 2

Total: Browns 3, Cavs 2

1990

Browns:
Leroy Hoard – 2 (the only reason why I’m giving him a 2 is my fatt butt used to pretend I was him in our pickup football games)
Anthony Pleasant - 2

Cavs:
Stefan Rusconi – 0 (who the? – I also think Ron Harper was traded around this time for the rights to Danny Ferry - ouch)

Total: Browns 4, Cavs 0

1991

Browns:
Eric Turner – 3
Ed King - 1

Cavs:
Terrell Brandon – 2
Jimmy Oliver – 1

Total: Browns 4, Cavs 3

1992

Browns:
Tommy Vardell – 1 (based on the expectations)
Patrick Rowe – 0
Cavs:
None – 0

Total: Browns 1, Cavs 0 (is anyone surprised by this?)

1993

Browns:
Steve Everitt - 2
Dan Footman – 1 (he did have one monster season in 96 with the Colts and had 10.5 sacks, but that doesn’t do us any good)

Cavs:
Chris Mills – 2

Total: Browns 2, Cavs 1

1994

Browns:
Antonio Langham – 1
Derrick Alexander - 2

Cavs:
Gary Collier – 0

Total: Browns 3, Cavs 0 (side note: I know I am not including any later round picks for bonus points, but the Browns did take Romeo Bandison in the 3rd round of this draft)

Total: Browns 3, Cavs 0

1995

Browns:
Craig Powell – 0
Eric Zeier - 1

Cavs:
Bob Sura – 2 (I always liked him for some reason)
Donny Marshall – 0 (definitely not to be confused for Donyell Marshall, who also went to UConn)

Total: Browns 1, Cavs 2

1996-1998

No points are given due to the Browns absence, but the Cavs might have made up some ground here with Z being drafted

1999

Browns:
Tim Couch – 1 (I hate to call him a total bust due to the circumstances and the fact that no more tears need to be shed)
Kevin Johnson - 2

Cavs:
Andre Miller – 2
Trajan Langdon - 1

Total: Browns 3, Cavs 3

2000

Browns:
Courtney Brown – 1
Dennis Northcutt – 2

Cavs:
Chris Mihm – 2 (hard to believe, I know, but he’s still in the league)

Total: Browns 3, Cavs 2

2001

Browns:
Gerard Warren – 1
Quincy Morgan - 1

Cavs:
Desagana Diop – 2
Brendan Haywood – 2
Jeff Trepagnier – 1

Total: Browns 2, Cavs 5

2002

Browns:
William Green – 1
Andre Davis - 1

Cavs:
Dajuan Wagner – 1
Carlos Boozer – 3 (curse his bulbous head and hard-nosed playing style)

Total: Browns 2, Cavs 4

2003

Browns:
Jeff Faine – 2 (D’Oh!)
Chaun Thompson - 1

Cavs:
Lebron James – 3 (I think he has shown the potential to be really good)
Jason Kapono – 2 (who knew?)

Total: Browns 3, Cavs 5

2004

Browns:
Kellen Winslow – 3 (I am giving him this grade because my brown and orange colored glasses think he’s the closest thing to a superstar that the Browns have)
Sean Jones – 2 (this might change in a year or two)

Cavs:
Luke Jackson – 1

Total: Browns 5, Cavs 1

2005

Browns:
Braylon Edwards – 2
Brodney Pool – 2

Cavs:
None – (Hello Jiri Welsch!) – 0 – is it possible to give a double 0?

Total: Browns 4, Cavs 0

2006

Browns:
Kamerion Wimbley – 2
D’Qwell Jackson – 2

Cavs:
Shannon Brown – 1
Daniel Gibson – 2
Ejike Ugboaja – 0 (who?)

These are based off of first impressions, so these are definitely subject to change in the future.

Total: Browns 4, Cavs 3

Now, let’s do a quick rundown via a tabled representation of these scores:

Year Browns Cavs
1986 2 6
1987 2 4
1988 2 2
1989 3 2
1990 4 0
1991 4 3
1992 1 0
1993 2 1
1994 3 0
1995 1 2
1999 3 3
2000 2 2
2001 2 5
2002 2 4
2003 3 5
2004 5 1
2005 4 0
2006 4 3



Total
Browns - 49
Cavs - 43

What does this tell us? Absolutely nothing. But it does show that although they are both terrible at drafting, the Cavs have been even worse than the Browns (if that's possible). The average scores for the Browns and Cavs with their first two picks over this time span has been 2.7 and 2.4, respectively. That means, according to my scoring system, they have been drafting a little more than one solid player with their first two picks per draft. Not good! The Cavs have by default a better team due to the fact that Planet Basketball decided to send down its Chosen One in the form of Lebron James and for some reason, picked Northeast Ohio to place him in our midst. Go figure.

My Brother is getting out of the Army - Hooray!

Even though I am a huge fan of Cleveland and all things related to the town and its sports, there is another group that I am an even bigger fan of: The U.S. Army. My brother is an Airborne Ranger and was an Infantry Officer in the 82nd for 4 years. I read this from the AP today:

The nine U.S. soldiers killed when a truck bomb exploded next to their patrol base in Iraq were all paratroopers from the 82nd Airborne Division, the division said Tuesday. Twenty of their colleagues were wounded in the attack.
Maj. Tom Earnhardt, a spokesman for the division at Fort Bragg, said it was the highest number of casualties for the division since the Iraq war began.
It was also the single deadliest attack on ground forces since Dec. 1, 2005, when a roadside bomb killed 10 Marines and wounded 11 on a foot patrol near Fallujah. An insurgent group that includes al-Qaida in Iraq claimed responsibility, according to an Internet-posted statement Tuesday.
The soldiers were members of the 5th Squadron, 73rd Cavalry Regiment, 3rd Brigade Combat Team, Earnhardt said. A civilian interpreter was also wounded in Monday's explosion.
"Fifteen of the wounded were superficial and they were treated on the spot and returned to duty," Earnhardt said. "Five were evacuated to a military hospital, but none of the five have life-threatening injuries."
Earnhardt said the unit deployed in August to Iraq. It is one of three of the division's four brigade combat teams now in Iraq or Afghanistan.
The identities of the soldiers killed Tuesday were not immediately released. Earnhardt said the families were still being notified.

It's stuff like this that makes me pause for a second and think about all of our men and women in harm's way. My brother's last day is today and he's done more and seen more than I can possibly imagine. He's a hero in every sense of the word and never brags or talks about what he's done, so I'll do it for him. His and every other soldier's sacrifice allows me to sit in my office and make asinine (but true) comments about the armpit of America and lead an otherwise normal life. I am glad he's getting out and taking some well deserved rest in Cleveland. Meeting his men was a bigger thrill for me than meeting any of the professional athletes I have ever come across (even Felix Fermin). Anyways, not to get too mushy, but thank a soldier if you know one or see one. I hope to post a pic of him when I have a chance later today.

My 5 Favorite Places to get food when I'm back in Cleveland

As I've noted in my previous posts, I currently don't live in Cleveland and am now in the DC/Northern Virginia area. I don't think anyone is from this area, but you go where the jobs are. Most of the people I run into down here have an interesting story about what got them here. Since you were wondering, here's mine: I graduated from a good school with a good degree and couldn't find jack squat in the Northeast Ohio area after three months of searching. My girlfriend at the time (now my wife) suggested I take a look in Pittsburgh. I looked at her as if she had an arm growing out of her head and told her I wasn't interested in being an English language speech therapist or work in a battered woman's shelter. I moved down to DC and found a job in 2 weeks. That was 7 years ago and I still look forward to the day I can get back to God's Country.

Memo to Frank Jackson: Please stop screwing up my city. You almost have to make a conscious effort to run a city so poorly.

As my first non sports-related posting, I want to address a very serious issue that is near and dear to my heart: Food. This is a total fat boy post, but as a recovering fatty, I occassionally get back on the wagon and take it to bloated city. One of the things I miss about Cleveland is all of the excellent food. Most of it comes from mom and pop shops that litter the East and West Side. Living down here in Northern VA, all of the neighborhoods, shops and restaurants are all fairly new. It's an endless sea of Panera Bread, Starbucks, Potbelly Sandwich Works, Chipotle (which I am grateful for) and smoothie/juice bars. Basically, it's a yuppy paradise. When I get back home, even for the day, I always make it a point to visit one of the fine establishments that are listed below. If you have any others that you want to add to this list, please feel free to do so in the comments section.

5. Panini Brothers- Locations all over Cleveland - I only get one thing whenever I come here: The Overstuffed Pastrami Sandwich with an egg on top. The combination of a huge pile of Pastrami, a mountain of cole slaw and fries, 2 slices of Provolone cheese and a sunny-side up egg is enough to put any man into a food induced coma. I feel myself getting fatter as I type this. I know it is basically a rip-off of the Primanti Brothers sandwich in Pittsburgh, but there is one difference that makes the Panini Brothers' sandwich infinitely better: no filthy Pittsburgh fingers are used to make this sandwich. Scoreboard!

4. Slyman's Restaurant - St. Clair on the East Side- Quite possibly the perfect corned beef sandwich. They shave the beef in front of you and make it fresh daily. The beef has the perfect amount of moisture and saltiness to it and doesn't dry up in your mouth. Any other condiment aside from mustard should be a crime on this bad boy. Oh yeah, they also stack it about 5 inches high, so unless you have an unlocking jaw, you will need to eat this in sections.

3. Joe's Deli & Restaurant - Hilliard Road & Wooster Road - Everything on this menu is served in huge portions, but I am a big fan of the breakfast menu, and specifically, the pancakes. These aren't the light and fluffy kind you garnish with a rasberry puree or fruit compote. These are the kind you drown in syrup, wipe up excess egg yolk with, and then wonder how someone was able to shove a brick down your throat and lodge it perfectly in your stomach for the rest of the day. Absolutely awesome.

The ones above are definite favorites of mine, but these next two are just about the most perfect foods ever created in the history of man. You have something seriously wrong with you if you do not like either of them:

2. Frank's Bratwurst - Westside Market - Good Lord, where to start with this one. The most flavorful, mild and perfectly mixed sausage ever produced at any given moment in the history of earth. I think they use a veal mix to make this and it goes down smooth. Smother a ton of sauerkraut on top of this and put it on a bun (they use hard rolls here, but I prefer a soft one) and you have heaven in a processed meat form. These naughty little treats are to die for. I had my parents buy a dozen of these, store them in a cooler, and make the 7 hour drive down here just so I could have one. Awesome, awesome, awesome. And yes, I am a fat loser with body odor.

1. Fragapane Bakery & Deli - West Side of Cleveland (Bay Village, North Olmsted & others) - This is my personal food Mecca for one reason: their doughnuts. Anyone who tells you that Krispy Kreme makes the best doughnuts has never been near this place. There are two kinds in particular that are just out-of-this-world good: the chocolate sticks and the maple sticks. They bake all of their doughnuts fresh every morning and I think there is approximately 2 gallons of cream filling put into each chocolate and maple stick and about 3 inches of chocolate or maple frosting put on top of them to boot. I can only finish two of them before I am ready for a nap. If you are in the Cleveland area, you seriously need to go to this place and thank the Good Lord you were fortunate enough to experience this carbohydrate and cream filled blod-clot-waiting-to-happen.

Cavs - Wizards Preview

Thank goodness the Cavs finally backed into a little bit of luck. The road to hoe as the second seed is substantially less problematic than being the fifth seed. I am writing this post as the Cavs are playing the Wiz in the first game of this matchup. It seems that they have taken this approach so far as well. The only strategy I can see being used so far is to be lethargic and hope the Wizards realize that they are supposed to lose. If I see Larry Hughes launch one more long 2 pointer with plenty of time left on the shot clock, I will drive up to Cleveland myself and teach him the basics of post play as taught to me by my middle school coach. This should not be a challenge at all. It is unexcusable if this goes to 6 games. There should be no drama, no side stories, nothing. This should be an absolute slaughter. With all that being said, I am sure this will go at least 6 games because this is Cleveland and nothing comes easy. Being down here in DC it's interesting to see the other fan base's reaction and attitude towards this series. I think the fans down here are as about as apathetic as you can possibly get for a major sports playoff series. There is no buzz on the local talk radio, not a ton of coverage on the news and by and large no big amount of hype by the fans. Even they are resigned to the fact that this should be a trouncing. I don't blame them, though. Imagine if Lebron and Larry were out for this series...we'd be toast. All this is setting up for us to let our guard down and for them to "shock the world"...stay tuned.

update: we won. whew.