The Fruitiest Cars Ever Made

Since absolutely nothing is going on in the world of sports right now (except baseball), I figured I would do another list that's been running through my head for quite some time: Fruity cars. There's a ton of them out there and every time I see one I think to myself, "What exactly is the thought process that leads to someone purchasing this car?" I dont want to hear the argument that finances has anything to do with it. For every Dodge Neon, there's a perfectly fine Toyota Corolla or Honda Civic that you can purchase in its place. I honestly don't know what the reasoning is, but in any case, it provides me a brief amount of enjoyment to see a dude cruising through his neighborhood in any one of the ones I'm going to mention below. Here it goes:


9. Scion xB - Still not quite sure what Toyota's designers were thinking with this one...it's basically a box with wheels. A fruity box with wheels. I know you can customize it Gand add all kinds of neat trinkets, graphics and gadgets, but at the end of the day, it's still a box with wheels plus trinkets, graphics and gadgets. Special mention goes to Honda for their Element, that is basically a box with wheels designed to go camping as well.





8. Audi TT - This thing looks like an ovary with wheels.

7. Geo (Chevy) Tracker - I want to go off-roading. I want to hit the dirt trails blazing with a 4WD that doesn't take crap from the road. I want a tough vehicle that tells the road "Who's you're daddy?" I also want to take the top down and feel the cool breeze blowing in my face and all around me as I conquer the unpaved wilderness foot by foot. What am I going to choose? Definitely not a Geo Tracker. If it was possible for a car to talk, this one would scream "estrogen".








6. Hyundai Tiburon - the designers at Hyundai were thinking that making a car look like a bananna with wheels would attract the heavily coveted driving monkey segment of the population. I put this one on my list because a friend of mine drives this one and we agreed it should be on here.
















5. Chrysler PT Cruiser - originally when this came out, everyone thought this was a throwback car to the 40's and was a fun and silly little vehicle. I even remember my dad saying that he liked the design because it reminded him of cars from his childhood. Not anymore. This car has so many effeminate connotations that should only make it in purple and sell it in Lakewood, Pittsburgh, and San Francisco. It looks like a fruity thation wagon with curveth. A special kick in the crotch goes out to Chevy for making the copycat in the HHR even after knowing that its design was on a destination to fruitcake city.









4. Mazda Miata - I've heard the argument time and time again that it's a fun little driving machine that handles like a dream and is fun for both men and women and blah blah blah. This thing is girly as girly gets. The Miata is like a go-cart that has been injected with mommy parts.















3. Dodge Neon - If that isn't the girliest name for a car outside of "Plymouth Breeze", I don't know what is. I know a lot of kids like to soup this car up so it looks a little less girly, but it's like putting lipstick on a pig. At the end of the day, your call is still called a "Dodge Neon".















2. Hummer H2 - Let me ask you this? How many total bada$$es do you actually see driving a car like this? None? One? That's about right. This car is usually driven by soccer moms or guys who have something to prove (you know what the say about guys with big cars). I think the average height of H2 drivers is around 4'8".

















and the number one girliest car is......................



1. Volkswagen Beetle - This was way too easy. Not a single straight line on the entire body of this car. This car is one big bundle of curves. The most stylish accessory for this ride is a flower in the cup holder. Let me repeat that: The most stylish accessory for this ride is a flower in the cup holder. There is no reason for a male to ever be driving this car at any time. Ever.



There it is folks. If I forgot any, please let me know. And if you drive any of these, I'm sorry. But not really.

I'm back from vacation

Trying hard now...Gonna Fly now...

Hi All,

Sorry again for the lack of postings, but I've been on vacation for a few weeks and sick or travelling for the others. I promise I will try to do this on a more regular basis. Here are some random thoughts over the last few weeks:

1. Will the All Star Game ever be as exciting as it once was? Maybe it's always been this boring, but I distinctly remember when it was at the Jake being as excited as I can remember for any sporting event (especially when Sandy Alomar hit that bomb). It just seems like no one cares anymore. I think the only memorable thing I can think of besides Ichiro's and Victor's HRs was when Paula Cole (?!) came out to sing God Bless America and couldn't get her keyboard started and it sounded like there was some booing going on. Since it was San Fran, they were probably booing the song choice or the smug lifting.

2. All the reports I've been hearing are saying the Derek Anderson has the clear leg up on the other 2 in camp for the starting QB spot. I don't know what to make of this. All offseason I've been reading that Chud's gameplan is to have a lot of rollouts and bootlegs and that would seem to fit perfectly into Chucky Frye's wheelhouse. I know this is all speculation and we'll see for sure once the pads are on, but I felt like it was my duty to weigh in on this pointless topic.

3. I also saw that LeChuck is trying to make a comeback for this year. How can every single report before this announcement be so way off-base? I'm actually impressed that Bentley managed to fool anyone and everyone by laying so low and not having one source leak out his intentions until he was ready to do so. Comebacks like this aren't supposed to happen in Cleveland, so although I wish him the best, I'll believe it when I see it.

4. I don't get why the Tribe is still having problems drawing huge crowds to their games. They have dominant pitching, an excellent lineup with 4 stars (Grady, Victor, Hafner, and Ja-honny) and are true contenders for the AL Central crown. I know I said before that they are probably just going to let us down again, but that didn't stop me from trying to get out to see them every opportunity I had anyways. Besides, what else is there to do right now, go to the Flats?

5. I had the bright idea of taking my 20 month old son to Disneyland. Big mistake. I don't know if I was spoiled to death by summer after summer of Cedar Point, but every other amusement park just disappoints me. All I really wanted was for my kid to see Mickey Mouse and they make you wait 40 minutes in a stupid line and when we finally got to see him for 10 seconds, it was the Old-School Steamboat Willie Version, not the new one my son sees on their cable extension of their evil conglomerate. I wanted to kick Mickey right in the crotchal region but my better judgement told me not to. What did my son do when he saw this version of Mickey? Try to take his nose off. I couldn't of been prouder of him. Anyways, he caught a virus while we were there and had to go to the Doctor's the rest of the time we were on vacation. He was screaming his head off in 94 degree heat and direct sunlight while on loudspeakers everywhere a song was blaring that had the lyrics "This is the happiest place I've ever been" - I kid you not.

6. Is there a more beautiful place in the continental US than San Diego? Every time I go there to visit family I don't want to come back. Beautiful beaches on one side, beautiful mountains on the other, and a climate that varies between 65 and 90 year round. Drink it in, because it definitely goes down smooth. Seriously, anyone who complains about living there deserves to be punched.

7. My college friends and I had our yearly weekend get-together this past Saturday at a cabin in Berkely Springs, WV. Three things about this:

A) You know you're getting old when you and everyone else is in bed by 11:3o.

B) You couldn't pay me enough money to live in Berkely Springs. We walked into a restaurant and everyone in the place was not talking or eating, just looking at us. I dont' look down on people living in small towns, but man, was that place depressing. It just boggles my mind that someone would want to and enjoys living there.

C) When your stomach is used to eating turkey burgers and 97/3 burgers, 70/30 burgers, while initially tasting good, lead to many, many potty breaks.

Cleveland Browns, Come on Down!

Slap Hands!

With this year's improbable run to the Championships and the probable ending that all of those so-called "experts" predicted, it's time to start looking again at the lifeblood of this town, the Brown and Orange. Before I do that though, here's a few of my thoughts (since you asked) on the first 3 games so far:





"Deve ser o herói, deve fazer exame do tiro para o glory do basketball"


- This is what was going through Anderson Varejao's mind as he inexplicably took a nice entry pass from His Highness and spun wildly into the paint and put up a flailing semi-hook, semi-layup, semi-total brick with time winding down in Game 3. Roughly translated from Portugese to English, it states, "must be hero, must take basketball shot for glory". I don't know how it works in Brazil, Anderson, but in America, if you aren't completely wide open and have no discernible go-to post up moves to speak of, you pass the basketball to the best player in the world (sort of) to take that final shot. Criminy.

-I've been trying to figure out who Sasha Pavlovic reminded me of and on Tuesday night it hit me:

-Boobie Gibson, I ain't mad at ya, but welcome to pressure. Here's to hoping you handle it better the next time around.

-The first two losses were easier to take than this last one. In the first two games, we definitely didn't deserve to win and had the deer-in-headlights look except for the 4th quarter in both games, but on Tuesday: ouch, that one stung. We were the better defensive team, the more aggressive, the more dominant in the paint, and we basically shut down 2 of their big 3, and still lost. I don't know what we can do except shoot, shoot, shoot in the offseason to improve our offensive game. There were plenty of nice drives and open looks, but no finishes.


-Whatever happens this last game, I'm still proud of this team and glad I got to at least experience what it felt like to be playing for something important again.


On to the Browns:

-I've read on a few of the sites I have links to that we are located at or near the bottom of the power rankings on a few major publications. Good. I don't want any expectations or victory predictions by anyone (Braylon, this means you) for this upcoming season. If you go into this season expecting the very worse, you won't come away disappointed if it happens (easier said than done).

- I think I like the fact that Rob Chudzinski and Romeo are taking this approach to installing the new offense: drinking from the firehose. Throw it all out there, see what sticks and then see what areas need to be improved on. No more hand-holding, coddling or gradually introducing anything. These guys are all professionals making a lot more money than the average schlub and can at least be expected to grasp a plan for playing a game. I also think it's good for the QB competition. All of them are now on a level playing field and whoever can grasp this offense and its nuances the fastest and most accurately will be the starter. For this season, I honestly do hope it's Frye because I want to see him succeed, Quinn's not ready by all appearances and supposedly this offense involves more rollouts, which is Charlie's forte.


- When K2's knee status makes national headlines (I just saw it on the NFL Network), not good. We need this guy in the worst way (not in a Pittsburgh kind of wanting, but nonetheless).

- Just saw an article on how Joe Thomas and Chase Pittman got into a fight during minicamp. I'm sure RAC was thrilled that the 3rd overall pick in the draft was getting into it with someone who probably won't even be on the roster.

San Antonio tries to be mean, but fails miserably

ooooooooooohhhhhh, come on CAVS!

Here's an interesting (for the Plain Dealer) article I found on Cleveland.com: San Antonio tries to be mean, and basically comes off looking like a bunch of second graders in the insult department. Here's a couple of gems:

"The Cuyahoga River caught on fire"


"We haven't won a title in over 40 years"


"The Cleveland Browns stink"


"We've lost games with names like The Drive, The Fumble and The Shot"


"Anderson Varejao looks like Sideshow Bob"

People in Texas like cowboys, right?

Ouch, guys, make it stop. Those insults sound like something that was said at a taping of "Wild'n Out" in Salt Lake City. I have nothing to say about San Antonio, and here's why: San Antonio doesn't matter. San Antonio has no bearing on anything. San Antonio is not relevant to anything. Bascially, San Antonio is just there. That being said, they do have a good basketball team. That's all I can come up with. Is that good or bad? I don't know, but it's the truth. I can't think of a single mean thing to say about San Antonio or a single nice thing to say. If that city didn't have a basketball team, there would be absolutely no reason for me or anyone outside of that general vicinity to even acknowledge its existence.



I think this series will be closer than most of these "experts" think. You can't discount the fact that Lebron played two excellent games against them and we beat them twice already this year. I know this is the Finals and we don't know what to expect and blah, blah, blah, but I am tired of being negative about this team so I will actually make a prediction that I enjoy writing: Cavs in 7. Lebron will not be denied!!!! Enjoy these games, folks, we are so close!!!!

WOW.

I'll admit it. I got choked up last night. My wife came down into the basement as the game was ending and asked me an incredulous, "Are you crying?". All I said was a quiet "It's been so long".

I got choked up seeing the thousands upon thousands of people downtown watching the game outside after the Tribe had let out. I got choked up seeing a Cleveland sporting arena alive and shaking like I've never seen before. I got choked up seeing Lebron and Z embrace in a hug that for Z, seemed to give him a brief respite from the sorrow and agony of losing two unborn children this year. I got choked up thinking that the undisputed best young player in the league is one of us and knew, like only someone who has experienced the Cleveland sporting experience can, what was riding on this series and played liked the hopes and dreams of the region were resting on his broad shoulders. I got choked up as all of the years of frustration, anger and disappointment of being a Cleveland sports fan completely left my mind, if only for that night. For that night, and maybe only for that night, Cleveland was on top of the sports world. Cleveland had what everyone wanted to see. Cleveland, yes CLEVELAND, was the place to be. I know we still haven't won anything, but like I stated above, for that one moment in time, I couldn't have been prouder of a team from Cleveland. I wish so badly that I could have been there to be a part of this and to share it with everyone else who has experienced what I've experienced as a sports fan. My brother and sister were down at the Jake and described to me the atmosphere that was downtown and the electricity and excitement of what was going on. I know we are still a long shot, but I can tell you this: if we do win the title, a 7 hour car ride will have never seemed so short.

I won't get into too much analysis about the game because if you're reading this, there's probably a 99.9% chance that you cared enough about the game to actually watch it. It was nice to see the Pistons strategy of double and triple teaming Lebron completely backfire due to the one factor that this strategy relied on, no other player being able to step up and fill LBJ's shoes, fail miserably. Boobie Gibson was ice cold and buried dagger after dagger after dagger after dagger in the 4th in the Pistons' collective hearts. It's shocking that a second round draft pick that was barely a factor in the regular season is now the wild card that gives the Cavs a fighting chance against the Spurs. Things like that aren't supposed to happen in Cleveland. It was also nice to see some offensive strategy being put into play, especially when Detroit went to a trap and we spaced out everyone around the perimeter and then flashed a big man to the top of the key for an entry pass. Drew Gooden did this a couple of times. He was so wide open on one of them, he didn't know what to do.

Sorry to be so melodramatic, but to win 4 straight games after losing the first 2 and to do so in such a convincing fashion is the stuff of legends. For the generations of you who bleed the brown and orange, the wine and gold and the red, white and blue, enjoy this. Enjoy like it may never happen again, because everyone from Cleveland surely knows that moments like this are never promised and definitely rarely ever given.

That was sick

Just got done watching this Double OT thriller that Lebron just took into his own hands. He was playing with a will and drive that I have never, ever ever ever seen from a Cleveland sports figure. That was freakin awesome. Thank you Lebron for making me proud to say I'm a Cavs fan. Detroit played equally well and Chauncey Billups is straight gangsta when it comes to taking big shots. More on this later.

Mike Brown showed me his Boobie and I liked them too!

Wow, my lack of posts lately has been unacceptable. What can I say besides the fact that having a real job is not so much fun. Anyways, I have been thoroughly enjoying this last week. Sweeping the Tigers and taking 2 straight from the Pistons? No offense Detroit, but when was the last time Cleveland could say they owned another city, if even for a weekend?

Never? That sounds about right.

Boobie, you say? How does one get this nickname?

The Cavs have completely outplayed the Pistons in all 4 games and this should have been over or at least 3-1 right now. I know it and Detroit knows it. Anyways, nothing has been more encouraging (besides Lebron's deciding to start caring again) than the emergence of one Daniel "Boobie" Gibson. This guy is doing what we've been harping on Larry Hughes for not doing time and time again: TAKING IT TO THE HOLE. He is playing much bigger than his 6' frame is reflecting. How hard is it to think "drive first, shoot second"? Maybe it is his youth and naivete that is letting him play free of any hesitancy, but whatever it is, he needs to explain to Larry that this is how it's done. This may be a moot point now that Larry is in all likelihood, out for the rest of the series, but I seriously can't wait to turn the TV on tonight and then off for the third quarter, and then back on again.



On a side note, I was able to ask Rasheed Wallace after game 3 how Lebron's armpit tasted. He let me know that the hairs were a little wiry, but the sweat and Right Guard gave them a very nice and light taste, almost like a refreshing spritzer sprinkled over angel hair pasta. It was nice to see him finally lose it in game 4 and pout like the ugly, skilled and rangy baby he is. I was almost expecting Scut Farkus to run onto the court and ask him if he was going to cry. Anyways, it's nice to see that Chauncey Billups and Richard Hamilton realize that I hate them and that they are doing their best to make sure we win.

Conference Runners Up, Here We Come!!!!

nothing funny about this picture...at all.

Well, well, well…look’s who’s in the conference Finals. After some of the most unimpressive playoff basketball I can remember seeing in recent history, the Cavs managed to not suck nearly as bad as the Nets and are standing in front of the beast of the East once again, the Detroit Pistons. I hate the Pistons. I hate the fact that their best player has a name from the 1920’s (Chauncey Billups), I hate the fact that Rasheed Wallace has a skunk patch and that he is going to complain like he just found out that smoking weed is illegal, I hate the fact that a member of the Fab Five is now playing for them and he’s still pretty good, I hate the fact that Detroit is just as ugly, if not uglier, a city than Pittsburgh, I hate the fact that Tayshaun Prince looks like Gollum’s and Morgan Freeman’s love child, I hate the fact that Rip Hamilton looks like a Junior Varsity d-bag and has a silky smooth jumper, I hate the fact that Carlos Arroyo is Carlos Arroyo and I hate the fact that we are probably going to lose.

The parallels between Lebron James and Michael Jordan are eerily similar in this aspect, both will probably have to lose to a bunch of a-hats from Detroit before achieving any further success in the playoffs. I have no idea why I have such a fatalistic attitude with the Cavs, but it’s easy to pinpoint why with the Indians. They have a good team, a potentially really good team, but I’ve seen this show before and I liked it better when the actors had names like Albert Belle, Jim Thome, Manny Ramirez and Carlos Obed Baerga. This team is going to tantalize with good play when it really doesn’t matter and will choke when it comes to crunch time, mark my words.


I waited 5 hours in line for his autograph

Some of my best memories in regards to Cleveland sports were when I was in college and high school and going to the Jake on a warm summer’s night when it was the place to be. It was great seeing people in downtown Cleveland past 5 pm and actually enjoying themselves outside of the Flats. People actually wanted to be there and a ticket was hard to come by. Hanging around Homerun Porch with a cold beverage in your hand, BS’ing with some dude from Wickliffe that under the normal circumstances, I would have mocked mercilessly, about anything and everything Tribe related…it didn’t get any better than that. I remember the excitement of hearing a friend’s dad had a last minute meeting or obligation and those season tickets were now available. Or a cop that I am very good friends with would have us come downtown without tickets, walk around for a while, and bust the very first opposing team’s fans that were drinking outside of the stadium and give us their tickets (the same went for Browns’ games – nothing better than a yinzer spitting up his Iron City all over his Zubaz pants as he realizes he just got screwed ten ways from Tuesday and the only way out of getting arrested was to give a Browns’ fan his tickets – beautiful). Anyways, I feel like Randy Quaid in Major League II. I won’t be convinced we are going to win anything until those final seconds tick off the clock in the deciding game we are winning. Basically, I will never be convinced. The Browns on the other hand, are a different story. They can have a good draft and I’m ready to put RAC’s moobs on my head if I think it will give us a chance to go .500. Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, the Cavs are in the finals. Sweet! Here’s my prediction: Rasheed Wallace is ugly. Prediction #2: I think the Pistons will take this in 6.


ewwwwwwwww.....

Do we have to say they are part of Ohio?

equals

If a certain geographic area has more in common with its surrounding states (ie spousal abuse and drunk driving) is it okay to say they are not part of your state? Here is another Bengal's arrest article . It'd be funny if spousal abuse was a laughing matter.

San Francisco = Pittsburgh West

To the yinzers who contacted their boyfriends and let them know I was in San Francisco:

Do you think that breaking into my rental car and stealing my laptop will stop me from exposing the truth about your backwater city and breeding habits? I will not be silenced!!!!!

Sorry for the lack of recent posts, but my computer was stolen while I was on the West Coast for business. I hope to start posting again regularly, so fear not my loyal readers (who number in the 9s). I have tons of stupid ideas for even stupider articles that I'm sure no one will care about.

On a side note, Cavs basketball, it's craptastic!!!!!

Steeler busted for running a prositution ring

Deadspin.com just posted this nice little story out of Pittsburgh. A Steeler running an underage prostitution ring? Is anyone suprised by this? My only questions are the following: Where was he going to find customers willing to pay to sleep with their cousins? Can you be called a "pimp" if all you have are gigolos in your stable? This also explains why he haven't seen or heard from Kordell Stewart for a while.

Hardaway Hates Pittsburgh Exclusive: An interview with Joe Theismann

So Brady Quinn showed up to the Browns’ Rookie Camp on Friday with a new hairdo. Gone was the wavy, unkempt locks of the latest emo band and in its place was a regular old haircut. While this really isn’t news unless you have a subscription to Tiger Beat, this made headlines because of the reason for the new haircut. On Mike and Mike in the morning a few days before camp opened, Joe Theismann ripped into Brady Quinn because of his “unprofessional appearance” during the draft. This has created headlines (which is exactly what I’m sure Joe T. was hoping for) throughout the sports world. We here at Hardaway Hates Pittsburgh are proud to say we have scored an exclusive interview with the man himself. He agreed to do this interview with us in order to clear up any confusion or speculation over what was said last week. We sat down with him here in DC and the following is a transcript of our chat:

HHP: Joe, can I call you Joe? Thank you so much for taking the time out of your busy schedule to sit down with us so we can get some clarification on your comments last week.

Joe Theismann: Sure, no problem!

HHP: First question: What do you enjoy more, beating up the homeless or farting in church?

JT: That’s an easy one. Beating up the homel----Wait a second. Where did you say you were from again?

HHP: The New York Times. Where I’m from isn’t important, Joe. Clearing up your good name is and that’s what I’m here for. Just trying to keep it light and loosen up the tension. Relax! Okay, now on to the serious stuff. When you made those comments last week, what were you hoping to come across as? An attention-hungry publicity whore or a cranky old fart?

JT: Neither. I was just stating my opinion that being invited to the draft is serious business and an honor, and should be treated as such.

HHP: So you feel your comments were warranted, even after taking into account that Brady had to sit in the Green Room for over 4 ½ hours and maybe that tie was getting a little too tight considering the embarrassment of not going anywhere near where he was projected to go?

JT: Absolutely. If you had to wait for an interview for 4 ½ hours, you wouldn’t loosen your tie.

HHP: Did it ever occur to you that maybe his hairstyle is what is popular with the kids today and might even be considered an homage to the awful hairstyles that were around in the 70s? I’ve seen some of your hairdos from that time, and Lord knows, you really don’t have a lot of room to talk. Also, it’s a known fact that anyone who perpetuated or partook in any type of fashion statement from the 70’s is not allowed to make any fashion judgements again for the rest of their life.

JT: No it’s not. The 70’s was a great time to be alive and lot of experimentation in all facets of life was going on, including the fashion wor—

HHP: Can you remember another instance of a highly regarded prospect, both in terms of ability and character, being ripped by an alumnus and former player of his own school? Aren’t you supposed to show solidarity and support to those responsible for representing your program, especially since the recent run of Notre Dame quarterbacks in the NFL has been, to put it nicely, piss poor? I mean, Keyshawn Johnson, likable guy that he is, handled the Panthers’ drafting of his replacement, from his own school no less, with more class than the comments you made.

JT: uhhh..

HHP: Moving on, Joe Montana has gone on the record to say that you are a disgrace to every Notre Dame Quarterback who has ever put on the Golden Dome and your mother should have had her tubes tied well before you were born. What do you have to say in response?

JT: Joe Montana didn’t say that. Where did you get that???

HHP: It’s on the records. Check it out for yourself. What Joe Montana did or didn’t say is not relevant to this interview. What is relevant is that the sports world wants to know, do you unequivocally stand by your statements and have no regrets making them?

JT: Yes.

HHP: Boxers or Briefs?

JT: What?? Uh, depends…

HHP: That sounds about right. Joe, you’ve been known to make some pretty interesting comments during your broadcasting career. I wanted to bring out a few of them and get some feedback from you as far as what was going through your head while making them, okay?

JT: Okay.

HHP: First up: In 1996, you stated during a Sunday Night Football telecast that, “The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein”. Did you notify Norman beforehand that you were going to be using him as an example of a genius?

JT: What are you talking about? Norman Einstein was a scientist during the 30’s and 40’s and has been dead for over 60 years!

HHP: Sorry, my mistake. On a side note, is Norman in any way related to Albert?

JT: Not that I’m aware of. What does that have to do with this interview?

HHP: Nothing, nothing at all. I have a few more comments from this last season of Monday Night Football that I’d like to go over with you. In regards to Brett Favre, you stated, “You are not allowed to go away yet. We want you. We need you.”* Were you on your wife’s cycle when you made this statement? Also, do Brett Favre’s lips taste like a sweet summer’s day?

JT: Where did you say you were from again?

HHP: Better Homes and Gardens. You also made this quote during last season, ”This is a home game. This is where you finally get to play at home”. * Did you ride the short bus when you were growing up?

JT: What is that supposed to mean?

HHP: Just an expression, that’s all…You were recently fired from Monday Night Football. Did this have any bearing in your decision to make those statements about Brady? Were you hoping to get some publicity for other possible openings out there? Also, does it bother you that Jared, the tool from Subway, is getting more interaction with athletes than you currently are?

JT: No.

HHP: True or False: The DC sports media treats you like their drunk uncle. They desperately want to like you, but you do so many things to embarrass yourself that they have to make fun of you behind your back.

JT: False. Everyone likes me.

HHP: Do you have AIDS?

JT: No.

HHP: Are you positive?

JT: Yes.

HHP: hee hee…You have publicly stated that Ron Jaworski looks like a cross between a walrus and Chunk from “The Goonies”. Does it bother you that they selected his mug to replace you on Monday Night Football? Also, did the fact that he actually studies game film to formulate an opinion have any bearing on ESPN’s decision to replace you with him?

JT: I have never said that about Ron. He and I are good friends and I review plenty of game film beforehand.

HHP: Right. Aside from yourself, who is the worst former-athlete turned broadcaster? Sean Salisbury? OJ Simpson?

JT: Number one, I am definitely not the worst. Number two, there are no bad ones, each has their own unique style and skill set.

HHP: Where are you more likely to get a better meal, Chi-Chi’s or Joe Theismann’s?

JT: I’m not familiar with Chi-Chi’s, but at Joe Theismann’s, you can get a great meal at an affordable price any day of the week!

HHP: I’ve been to your restaurant, Joe. Let’s not kid ourselves. As a favor to you, we thought we’d give you the opportunity for an on-air audition for a play-by-play gig. We will give you a play from a past game to call, and we’ll record it and send it out to the stations looking to fill any open positions. What do you think?

JT: Sounds great! What play will I be calling?

HHP: Here it is: A Monday Night Football Game on national TV. It’s going to be a pass play and for the audition’s sake, we’ll call the quarterback “Slow Not-so-wiseman”. He’s dropping back to pass and the coverage around him is breaking down. All of a sudden a hard-hitting linebacker, we’ll call him “Lawrence Taylor”…

JT: This interview is over.




*Thanks to JoeSportsFan for the quotes

The 5 Greasiest Players in this Year's Playoffs

Well, the good news for Cavs’ fans is that we swept a Washington Wizards team that was down its two best players. Is anybody excited yet? I think this might have been the most unimpressive sweep I have ever seen. As I stated before, I don’t think we are a championship caliber team yet. I don’t know what it is, but I definitely can’t put my finger on it. Call me jaded, but I need to see them absolutely demolish the Nets (I'm assuming they win) before I can really get into this year’s playoffs. With that being said, I thought my next article should be one that required a great deal of in-depth analysis and research:

The 5 greasiest players in this year’s NBA playoffs:

Even though these guys are earning millions of dollars, they still come across as greasy. Each one is unique in his own special way, but greasy nonetheless. I’ve ranked them in terms of greasiness and also where I can see these guys being greasy if they weren’t in the NBA. As always, if I forgot someone who is extra greasy, please add them to the comments list.

5. Steve Nash – He just comes across as looking as if he just stepped out of a sauna or spent all night clubbing. He looked even greasier last year when his hair was long, but make no mistake, the haircut only covers up a little bit of the greasiness since it appears to always be matted down. I picture him as a high-powered aerobics or spinning instructor shouting out words of encouragement to a group of over-weight, middle-aged yentas and wearing super tight spandex shorts and a tight Under Armour top with a hip pack around his waist with two water bottles attached to it.

4. Anderson Varejao – I know he is a hometown favorite and I love the guy as a player, but if you’ll take off your wine and gold colored glasses for a second, you’ll see he is greasy. He would be perfect as a stunt double in that Soul-Glo commercial. Can’t you see him with his head down, spraying activator all over his fro/ pube-wig and then whipping his head back and forth as he looks up and winks at the camera? Just let your soooouuuullllllll glo!

3. Etan Thomas – Ugh. He is so greasy, my keyboard got oily just typing his name. Those hideous dreadlocks make him look like a feminine version of Sheryl Swoopes. Seriously, he would average at least 4 more points and 2 more boards a game if he wasn’t using all that energy to lug that hair around. The greasiness that is his hair is a direct result of a lack of shampooing and profusely sweating night in and night out for half the year. I also hear Etan fancies himself a poet of sorts, even publishing a book called “More Than an Athlete: Poems by Etan Thomas”. This might explain why he hasn’t improved his game on the floor in the past 6 years. Anyways, this one is easy. The location: an open mic night at some artsy fartsy bookstore like Politics and Prose or Olsson’s in Dupont Circle (if you’re not familiar with this area of DC, let’s just say Hardaway is not a fan). The scene: Etan comes to the mic wearing a wool turtleneck sweater that was around during the Nixon Administration and probably hasn’t been washed since then and skin-tight bell bottom pants with his hair up in a bun. The disctinctive scent and smoke of cloves and the sticky-icky permeates the dimly lit room and hipsters of all sort are lounging around, waiting to hear what angst and bile spews forth from this unusually tall poet’s mouth. Etan steps to the mike:

Ahem…Milk, Milk, Lemonade
Turn the corner, Fud……Hello?
Is this on?

2. Jorge Garbajosa – Obviously, the top two spots on this list are occupied by foreign players. This Borat look-alike just oozes grease from his pores. He can easily be spotted in the off-season in euro-trash clubs all over Europe, wearing the latest Euro-tight turtleneck with short sleeves and mad gumby gold all over, grinding up behind women and seeing if they want sexy time with Jorge. I hear he pees his shorts before every game so both his shorts and shirt stink to high heaven and nobody will want to D up on him. Not really.

1. Fabricio Oberto – Greasy, thy name is Fabricio. Wow. Just look at those pictures. To say he is greasy is like saying Rosie O’Donnell likes the occasional rump roast. Nappy hair with the mullet highlights? Check. 10 day stubble with all kinds of dirt trapped in the whiskers? Check. Creepy, smoldering glare that looks like he is trying to undress you with his eyes (both men and women)? Check. Stench emanating from all crevices of his body due to an allergy of showers? I’m assuming check. This guy gets his grooming accessories from the bottom of the French Fry pit at McDonalds. I really can’t classify his greasiness since it encompasses such a wide spectrum, but I can see him fitting in easily in any of the scenarios above.

There you have it folks, the greasiest players in this year’s NBA draft. Remember them and their contributions to advancing the greasy cause.

Joe Thomas' Aunt

I just found this pic on ESPN.com's draft blog. You don't see too many geriatrics out there with mohawks. She should fit in nicely with the Dawg Pound. Those are awesome earrings!

Andruzzi Released

I like walks on the beach, puppies ...

Just read on ESPN.com that the Browns have released Joe Andruzzi. While I don't know if releasing another live body on the line is necessarily a good idea, it is obvious that he never lived up to the team's expectations in the 2 years he was here. This means both of our starting guards from last year are no longer with the team. I always liked the way Andruzzi came across as a down to earth, blue-collar guy, but that doesn't do us any good when he is a sieve on the line. It has also been reported that Kevin Shaffer has asked to be traded, but I doubt the Browns will do that unless they can get a capable starting guard in return. A below average tackle for a starting caliber guard? Not likely, unless Miami or Oakland are in the mix.

Draft Recap and predictions for the upcoming season

Now that this year’s draft is over, here’s a brief overview of our draft picks and some very early pre-season predictions on what to expect next year. Like every other Browns’ fan, I was giddy like a school girl Saturday night and am glad we addressed areas of need the second day. I can’t remember the last time I was this excited to be a Browns’ fan. The moves made by that team yesterday could not have been the Browns. Draft days like that aren’t supposed to happen to us. We got pretty much everything we wanted and then some. On the flip side, could this just be a way of fate setting us up for an even bigger kick in the groin in the upcoming years? Only time will tell, but for now, I’m happy.

Round 1

Joe Thomas – I wanted to take Peterson, but I can’t really argue or second-guess this pick. This guy seems like everything you would want in an cornerstone left tackle. He’s agile, a great technician and aggressive. The Browns did a great job of smoke screening this pick.

Welcome to Cleveland!




Brady Quinn – This was the defining move of the entire 2007 draft. Everyone who is on Quinn’s bandwagon points to a stat out there that shows that college QBs with more than 40 career starts have an extremely high success rate in the NFL (Peyton Manning, Carson Palmer and others) vs QBs with only one or two years of starting experience. The Browns addressed two huge areas of need with possibly the two best players at their respective positions.










Round 2

Eric Wright – We traded a lot of picks to get this guy, so he better pan out. Everyone is saying he has 1st round talent, but those character issues are still there. If he does pan out, Phil just got 3 starters with 3 picks. I don’t know if I buy the whole “I went to Vegas to prove I could stay out of trouble for 2 years” line he is throwing out. I think it should be more along the lines of “when you have a date rape charge on your rap sheet, only a Mountain West Team will look at you”.







Long pause…

Round 5

Brandon McDonald – This CB out of Memphis is described as a versatile player who can return punts and play all of the defensive backfield positions. The NFL Network’s downside on him is that he doesn’t tackle well in the open field…just what we needed!









Round 6

Melila Purcell – This DE out of Hawaii is a project in the truest sense of the word. He has a high motor, great wingspan and tremendous upside. Did I miss any other idiotic draft day adjectives?

















Round 7

Syndric Steptoe – This WR out of Arizona will poop his pants if he makes the team. He can return kicks, though.







Pre-Season predictions

Now, as is common with all Browns fans, we have sky-high projections and expectations as to what will happen in the coming season based on what we’ve accomplished in the off-season. I’m here to tell you to CALM DOWN. We still have a ways to go and none of these moves guarantee instant success. Let’s be real with our expectations and we must still have patience. With that being said, here are some preliminary predictions and a break-down of our schedule with what I feel will be the final scores for each of these games.

September 9
PITTSBURGH STEELERS
W, 42-0
Quinn throws for 450 yds in debut



September 16
CINCINNATI BENGALS
W, 56-7
Only Bengals TD is a fumble return



September 23
at Oakland Raiders
W,63-2
Quinn: 420yds, Russell: -8yds



September 30
BALTIMORE RAVENS
W, 35-3
Matt Stover holds off shutout, Brian Billick acts smug



October 7
at New England Patriots
W, 28-7
Belichick finally apologizes to Cleveland for sucking



October 14
MIAMI DOLPHINS
W, 73-6
Cleo Lemon throws 5 INTs



BYE WEEK
W, 24-0

October 28
at St. Louis Rams
W, 45-0
Jim Everett throws 2 INTs



November 4
SEATTLE SEAHAWKS
W, 35-9
Quinn throws 8 TDs



November 11
at Pittsburgh Steelers
W, 77-14
Hines Ward plays up his Korean roots even more by eating KimChee after a TD





November 18
at Baltimore Ravens
W, 56-8
Jamal Lewis rushes for 312 yds



November 25
HOUSTON TEXANS
W, 35-14
Dave Zastudil punts for first time this season



December 2
at Arizona Cardinals
L, 21-22
Defense is left at home by accident



December 9
at New York Jets
W, 54-12
Eric Mangini eats Phil Dawson



December 16
BUFFALO BILLS
W, 49-16
What’s funny about Buffalo? Nothing.



December 23
at Cincinnati Bengals
W, 56-7
Chris Henry drinks a fifth for their season



December 30
SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS
W, 42-10
Brady feels a little too comfortable out on the town

I think the scores above are perfectly reasonable to expect in light of the happenings of this past weekend. I know we won’t win them all, but I think the above results are pretty realistic. I may even keep track of my scores and predictions during the season so I can rub it in your face when I turn out to be right. All of you pie-in-the-sky Brown’s fans need to come back down to earth and realize we won’t win them all.

Here are some other predictions for this season:

SUPERBOWL XLII result: Browns over Carolina, 37-21

When Joe Thomas’ and Brady Quinn’s sweat mix on a towel, the cure for AIDS is accidentally discovered. Phil Savage wins the Nobel Prize for bringing them together. Savage states that this day is the day that “turned the world around”.

Charlie’s Fryes change their names to Brady’s Quinns and come to games dressed like this:

The Super Bowl win will start a run of 5 more consecutive Superbowl trips and wins, giving Cleveland one for the thumb and another to shove right up Pittsburgh’s pooper.

Charlie Frye loses his life-long battle with the English language.

Kellen Winslow, Joe Jurevicius and Braylon Edwards become the first trio of teammates in NFL history to each catch 100 passes.

Pittsburgh Steelers finally realize that their logo of a ketchup bottle is about as retarded as you can get and change it to a tampon.

Romeo Crennel goes shirtless for the Seahawks game.

Please let me know if you have any predictions of your own in the comments section.

Did that just happen?

I love this man, but not in a Pittsburgh kind of way

I think it's safe to say we won our Super Bowl this year. Mr. Savage, thank you for showing the intestinal fortitude to pull the trigger. If Quinn really did have top 5 potential, this could be the draft that turns us around (but I'll believe it when I see it).

Update: Phil just traded our 3rd, 4th and 6th round pick for Dallas' 2nd round pick and took Eric Wright, a CB out of UNLV (wasn't that Eazy-E's real name?). Everyone seems to think he has first round potential and is a shut-down corner, but I don't know about those character issues. Drug and date rape charges? Thank God the Flats are a ghost town. Savage is still pissing excellence as far as I'm concerned

Did the Browns do something smart?

I can't believe they went with the safe and smart pick instead of the all flash, no cash pick. I seriously don't believe this. I tip my cap to Phil Savage...he practices what he preaches. Welcome to the Dawg Pound Joe! Oh yeah, that poem the NFL Network recited by the hood rat after the pick was announced was just awful.